I never ask mil for her opinion, AIBU?

[YummySushi]

I am the type of person who does the following:

1- research and educate myself to form an opinion

2- ask for advice from people who have experience to tweak my opinion in an educated way.

3- I follow what my gut instinct chooses from those educated opinions.

Now, for step 2 I end up asking my parents sometimes when it comes to ds and siblings and even strasngers... but not mil.

I can tell she feels left out and I feel bad that I dont make her feel as involved and I admit I too would be upset in that situation ...

However reason why I don’t is because once her opinion is invited for one thing, she assumes dictatorship of every kitty gritty and she would expect obedience..

So essentially, step 1 and 3 become redundant.

Any tips of how I can approach the issue in a way fair to her ? ( my husband speaking to her isn’t an issue).

There is no issue her either except I feel guilty and also anxious that one day she will explode for feeling left out. I did the mistake of consulting her in my wedding details and She ended up taking over like any other opinion doesn’t matter... and quite frankly telling me that the opinions of other people who advised me are shit ( relatives) and that I don’t have a taste..

So as a consequence, I now make it clear that her opinion doesn’t matter not even when the stranger opinion matter.

Although she deserves it, but I like to be fair and not hurt people. Is there a better way to handle this ?

Kitty gritty!

Lol * nitty-gritty pardon me !

If you don't want to hurt her feelings luck somethkng that is s if no I importance to you, ask her advice and take it. She feels included and you haven't lost anything. I make a point of asking my dad's advice on things I am quite capable of googling. It makes him feel good and doesn't hurt me at all

I have relatives who are quite disempowered in their own lives and like to self-appoint themselves experts and give me their wisdom. But they don't have the insight to realise that it's their opinion and they mistake my disinclination to act on their wisdom for disobedience. It is incredibly tedious.

You don't want to hurt her feelings, but she doesn't expect to have to listen to your wisdom before making a decision!

skittles, that is a good way of handling peole and I wished I'd used it decades ago. I fell in to the trap of arguing for my right to decide myself I used to create a court case where I had to present a 'case' for the basis of my decision. Utter madness.

Well, the way you are coming over on this thread really is quite odd.
You are completely overthinking this whole 'decision making process' for every thing you decide, for a start.
If you chat to your MiL, you can garner her opinion, and find out about her experiences easily enough... you used weaning as an example. You can ask if she remembers what she did with dh, without it having to b e a big "Shall I take your opinion on what is right or wrong" thing. She will feel part of it.
As someone said on P1 - I don't know if it is your posting style or what, but you don't seem that easy to give advice to.
Asking about experiences doesn't have to be a confrontational thing. If you like doing that whilst thinking about things, then do it, and yes, in that case YABU to exclude one grandmother and include the other.

My MIL was exactly like that except she gave her opinion whether it was asked for or not. Ignore pp - you sound the opposite of nasty, youre actively trying to think about how to not upset her.

In the end with my MIL I just had to match the strength of her convictions and give my reasons. Eg when she told me that something should be done a certain way with my baby I would reply "these days the research says x" or "yes ive heard some pwople do that but what works for me is xyz". Didnt stop her trying to control everything but she argued less if she coukd see I wasnt budging.

Hazel I think I understand what u mean .. I do it sometimes.

Ok I think after hearing responses here... I think the real issue I have with her is , I struggle to make her feel involved because she gets tooo invested and intervening.

My parents respect my decisions and she doesn’t.

However I would like to move on with out relationship to somewhere in the middle. She is used to oeoooe seeking her advice because she is surrounded by uneducated people.. but I’m educated and capable and I don’t need her judging every aspect of my life and reprimanding.

Thanks for ur input Hazel, I think u presenting me with that solution made me dig in deeper.

NobodyMots.. I’m confused what do u mean ? I didn’t say that I wanted her to listen to all my reasons ... I’m quite happy to listen to her and move on do my own thing... yet i did find myself defending but my decisions in the past because she did understand me doing my own thing as “ manipulative and controlling wife who makes decisions for my son”... and I didn’t know about it until my sister in law told me that her parents have concluded that.

Anyway... I really don’t know why I’m getting on anyone’s nerve..

I’m asking for help.. not for condescending remarks. I don’t know why everyone is on edge in this forum

Yummy, I think you’ve stumbled across a slew of posters who are lucky enough not to have this kind of personality in their family orbit.

It probably does sound altogether alien to a lot of people, lucky them I say!

If I’m reading it right, your MIL is the kind of person who sees family as her puppets, with her holding the sticks and jerking the strings, even when her intentions are broadly good. You want to interact with her, but without being a puppet. She’s your MIL, so you can’t just cut the strings and walk off (tempting as it gets!). While you have sympathy for her cack-handed attempts at connection and want to help her, youre also finding it practically impossible to be near her without her quickly trying to tie you into the dynamic she prefers.

I don’t see how this makes you a dupe, or a difficult person. It’s a tricky situation, with complex risks and rewards.

The prevailing wisdom is that you can only change yourself, not other people. Well, the ‘black and white’ types like your MIL are hard to handle (and survive). You set your boundaries, and police them, in a healthy way. They counter with ‘my way or the highway’. Then what?

My final advice is not to discount humour in your relations with her. If she calls up to check you’re doing things ‘her way’, consider laughing merrily and saying ‘oh, I’d forgotten ALL about that- there’ve been so many other projects since then! Old news, I’m afraid, moved on. Now tell me about xxx, since you’ve called’.

Good luck, OP.

Zippety.. thanks I feel u understood me very well.

That’s the stage I am at, But it’s exhausted me for a while because even though I presented her with reasoning, she was adamant to take things personal and completely go crazy on her son expecting him to choose between us... for something very very trivial..

However I do believe she is going through a rough patch, maybe not even mentally well.. so do want to sympathize and not make her situation worse... but also don’t wanna keep tolerating this in my life.

I am in the process of resuming relationship with her and setting boundaries ( through behaviour) after long period of non contact... im opening a new page with her and I just want a nice way to give her the involvement she wants without tolerating toxicity.

Thanks for understanding me.

Skittles !!! Wow I’m amazed , you Definately read the situation very well. I’m Definately taking all ur saying on board . Need to play it in my head and make it part of my personality as I struggle with speach around her.

Good luck to you too !! As you sound like you had to deal with this quite a bit!

Actually I have a relative who is similar to the OP and it's exhausting. They want to have long, detailed conversations about their decision making process; they regularly ask for advice and have long conversations about the advice offered - in such a way that they imply they are going to take the advice. Then they do the complete opposite.
Rinse and repeat.
Imo it is quite disrespectful. It doesn't value the other person's time.

Jessica.. i sympathise with your relative if that’s the type of advice you give

sounds like you are overthinking it -
some people we ask their opinion because they are a useful sounding board and we know we may get some objective advice or support, others we know not to ask because, well sometimes they talk about themselves, they dont listen and try and tell you what to do, you have no oligation to ask you mil her opinion on anything just to please your husband, it sounds a bit odd to me, as an older adult woman to feel that you need to do that.

Only on MN can people claim that they are researching and educating themselves when really they mean they've done a google search.

YANBU. It's fairly normal to be closer to your own mum than your MiL so it's hardly surprising that you might go to her for advice and not MiL. I honestly rarely ask anyone for advice. Although I guess I talk things through with friends. I think not asking her for advice is really no big deal.

I rarely ask my inlaws opinions on stuff. I also rarely ask my dad or sibs. This is because there is very little stuff where their opinions would change what I did, plus I'm a fairly decisive person so don't need to go round asking for umpteen opinions on stuff.
If it concerns my husband or anyone else they get asked otherwise I get on with it.
Be more decisive.
You can chat to people and get on with them without them influencing your life choices. You can also have discussions on stuff.

Instead of asking her advice, why not just ask her what she did or for stories of your DH as a baby?

Ask about her / him as people in their own right, rather than just relatives of your child.

Then she’ll feel she’s had a chance to share her wisdom, but you don’t specifically have asked her ‘how should I do this’ which could then cause her to feel she ought to get directly invested in whatever it is.

My List of People to Consult When Making Difficult Decisions, or Decisions Which May Require Input Outwith My Own Life Experience:

1. My OH, who is a very well-educated, intelligent, and open-minded professional with considerable life experience who is my best friend, and who also happens to be very good at using Teh Googlez

1. My sister, who is, quite frankly, the cleverest and most pragmatic person I have ever met

1. Various subject matter experts on and offline

1. Friends

29. My mother

...

Pleasant as my MIL is, I can't imagine asking her for an opinion on anything outwith a matter directly connected to her son. Why would I?

I would look into finding different sources for your research.

If you are talking to other Mums with small children who have been there themselves, your health visitor and are consulting a variety of parenting books (which will help you decide how you want to parent and the positives and negatives of this choice), then you won’t have to consult your parents or your MIL. Talk to your husband, make choices together on parenting your child. It isn’t your job to make his Mother feel more involved, it’s his job!

I would be very, very careful about letting your MIL further into your life and parenting choices. She sounds very manipulative and controlling! You don’t want anything to impact upon your relationship with your dh!

Rephrase your questions so that you aren't asking for advice or instructions what to do, but just for factual information. eg "Please would you tell me what you remember about what happened when you weaned DH?" is a very different question from "what should I do about weaning?"

When she gives you factual information you can be warmly grateful fir the useful info that will be massively helpful. When that crosses the line into trying to control what you do you can say "well I'm gathering ideas from lots of different places but obviously I am not going to be just picking one idea to follow - I will make my own mind up, but the info you gave has been really helpful in getting to a decision"

What an unnecessary mean last paragraph Caledonian; it goes way beyond the information the op has given.

Shuttles and Imch really helpful comments and as a mil helped me understand the dynamics and feel that sort of feedback would help me feel appreciated and understanding of any decision made (even if my suggestions ignored!)