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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I never ask mil for her opinion, AIBU?

70 replies

YummySushi · 23/06/2018 22:12

I am the type of person who does the following:

1- research and educate myself to form an opinion

2- ask for advice from people who have experience to tweak my opinion in an educated way.

3- I follow what my gut instinct chooses from those educated opinions.

Now, for step 2 I end up asking my parents sometimes when it comes to ds and siblings and even strasngers... but not mil.

I can tell she feels left out and I feel bad that I dont make her feel as involved and I admit I too would be upset in that situation ...

However reason why I don’t is because once her opinion is invited for one thing, she assumes dictatorship of every kitty gritty and she would expect obedience..

So essentially, step 1 and 3 become redundant.

Any tips of how I can approach the issue in a way fair to her ? ( my husband speaking to her isn’t an issue).

There is no issue her either except I feel guilty and also anxious that one day she will explode for feeling left out. I did the mistake of consulting her in my wedding details and She ended up taking over like any other opinion doesn’t matter... and quite frankly telling me that the opinions of other people who advised me are shit ( relatives) and that I don’t have a taste..

So as a consequence, I now make it clear that her opinion doesn’t matter not even when the stranger opinion matter.

Although she deserves it, but I like to be fair and not hurt people. Is there a better way to handle this ?

OP posts:

Feb2018mumma · 25/06/2018 07:05

Your husband can ask her opinion if he wants it? Hes the child's parent too? If he cared his mother's views on weaning ect he'd ask her? So if she blows up then send her to her son! Not up to you to keep asking her advice when you don't want it!

CaledonianQueen · 25/06/2018 07:11

Royston are you reading the same thread?

The op says in several different posts that her MIL has displayed controlling behaviour, manipulating op’s dh and causing problems in her marriage. She says they have only recently resumed contact after a period of being NC, due to her MIL’s toxicity. So no, my advice is not unnecessarily mean, it is bloody good advice! Especially considering I have been through a very similar toxic relationship with my inlaws and have come through it (having made the decision to go NC- after very nearly losing my marriage and my dh)

Yet... for her , if I ask for her opinion... she would call my husband daily making sure I followed it, gets updates from him, imposes more demands.. it almost becomes like she is supervising me and scrutinizing me...

When she is made to feel slightly important, she takes charge ... and quite frankly, tears me down in the eyes of my husband... tears my parents down.. my husband ends up getting confused (my mil, me and my parents are all scientists, and husband isn’t, so she uses science in a dodgy way to make him think that what we said wasn’t true)... yet she doesn’t actually discussed it to my face.. instead , everything I discuss with her become ammunition to use against me to control my husband.

Anyway forget the controlling bit. I don’t want to share more about her personality because this thread will become more about judging her as a woman than offering me advice how to handle it.

I want to be kind to her... without letting her control me. And I want to value the woman that raised my husband , without having to worry about her sabotaging me and my family’s image to my husband.

Op it is not being mean to protect yourself and your marriage! I advise reading the Toxic In Laws book by Susan Forward- I wish I had read it years ago!

grasspigeons · 25/06/2018 07:13

well my husband speaks to his mum and that helps him form his opinions and I listen too him.

HopefullyAnonymous · 25/06/2018 07:28

What a strange thread! All this could be avoided if OP had a bit more confidence in herself. I’ve never known such a song and dance be made about asking for advice, or so much advice being required!

slowrun · 25/06/2018 07:30

You could just ask her advice on things you don't really care about or when you like both options and take it. For example, shall we eat at this restaurant or this one? Which perfume do you like best? Which outfit? Which birthday gift shall I buy?

I'm sure you'll think of occasions where you are happy with either outcome. If they mount up she'll at least feel you are including her.

Added to this when she gives her opinion about something you agree with announce how much you think the same thing. This will allow you to find some common ground.

NanooCov · 25/06/2018 07:30

You don't have a MIL problem, you have a husband problem. It's him you are concerned about upsetting because you don't consult his mother, even though he (presumably) knows she took over with your wedding plans. He also doesn't want to "confront" his mother, even though her controlling behaviour (although the only example you've given of his is your wedding plans) upsets you.

I don't see a need to say anything to your MIL. If your husband expresses concern that his mother is not being consulted, point out how badly it went last time and that it is really none of her business.

proudestofmums · 25/06/2018 07:35

From the perspective of a MIL with a DIL I don’t think URBU. DS has been marriedto DDIL for nearly 12 years and thinking about it she’s only asked my advice 2 or 3 times that I can remember - once about baking cakes in a casual sort of way, once about my DS’s birthday and once about something within my professional area of expertise so not as a MIL, iyswim. And it has never bothered me one bit - and doesn’t even now I think about it. And we have a very good relationship. (if she didn’t think so I know DS would tell me! she definitely doesn’t have a DS problem)

Lethaldrizzle · 25/06/2018 07:39

Everyone's got an opinion. Just listen and move on. They're not orders!

Nikephorus · 25/06/2018 07:40

I'm guessing that OP won't be adding 'ask the whole of Mumsnet' to her mental checklist in the future!
I'd go with Skittles advice, and maybe just ask for MIL's advice in situations where you know exactly what she'll say AND it's what you were going to do anyway. That way DH thinks you're being inclusive, MIL feels valued, and you're feeling virtuous for having pleased everyone without giving yourself grief

eddielizzard · 25/06/2018 07:50

I agree with a pp who said to ask her about trivial stuff. Personally I don't think you should ask her advice for the reason of including her if her reaction is to control. Honesty is best, and she sounds like she'll take offence quickly too. So be kind to her, but set those boundaries firmly, and I think asking her advice should be on the other side of that boundary.

phlewf · 25/06/2018 07:51

In situations where someone is trying to take over snap “the consultation period is over, we are no longer accepting opinions”. My friend did that before her wedding. It was amazing. I’ve only said it in a joking way but hope I’ll be brave enough to use it properly one day

gamerchick · 25/06/2018 08:13

As I said I do end up tweaking my direction based on their experiences if they offer something valuable. With my parents there’s is room to discuss and negotiate and reason and no they don’t feel that upset if I don’t follow exactly what they said and usually I present them with a reason and it’s a nice debate

Are you like this with everything OP? We all know someone who wants a drawn out conversation over your opinion that's been asked for. It's only fun for the person asking, there's nothing nice about it. Is it a confidence thing?

She is used to oeoooe seeking her advice because she is surrounded by uneducated people.. but I’m educated and capable and I don’t need her judging every aspect of my life and reprimanding

What does surrounded by uneducated people look like?

Dealing with people like your mil is easy. Stick to the light stuff. Try and trust your decision making yourself. If you really want to pull her in into this thing you do with your family then stick to neutral topics, like wallpaper/paint/garden..... You never know she might come and do it for you

Batteriesallgone · 25/06/2018 09:10

In defence of the MIL, I can totally see how asking advice about weaning could lead to behaviour some would interpret as controlling as some as totally normal. For example, MIL phoning up, asking what they’ve done etc.

If someone asked me about weaning their baby, I would indeed ask them about it next time I spoke to them. I would ask if they used the first foods we discussed, how baby took to it, etc etc. Not because I’m a controlling cow (I hope?!) but because it’s an easy way to make conversation.

If MIL and DIL don’t get on all that well (seems to be a bit of animosity from the OPs description) I can perfectly understand MIL sticking to topics she’s already been asked about as easy topics...asking lots of questions to keep the chat going...although I know some people would be quick to interpret such behaviour as overbearing, it’s also the behaviour of someone who is unsure how to be at ease with you.

Racecardriver · 25/06/2018 09:49

Maybe if you try asking her for her opinion and then tell her exactly what you are planning on doing it will prevent the situation where she starts hounding your DH? Or maybe just tell her what you are doing without asking for an opinion at all so that she at least feels in the loop. Or you could even go as far as trying to talk to her about it. Can't you just say MIL, thank you for your advice. I have taken it on board and am doing x. I know that it isn't exactly what you advised but it us what I have decided and just keep repeating it?

AfterSchoolWorry · 25/06/2018 09:54

Why are you going around asking people's opinions on stuff?

I don't get it.I don't ask anyone for opinions. No one gives a shit surely?

karyatide · 25/06/2018 11:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CoughLaughFart · 25/06/2018 16:38

*am a bit surprised at how many people are misunderstanding my thread ... or just acting like it’s from a different planet

I’m asking for help.. not for condescending remarks. I don’t know why everyone is on edge in this forum*

I think this is the problem. People don’t agree with you or don’t understand what the problem is; therefore they are ‘condescending’, ‘on edge’ - even treating you like an alien. This is a very extreme reaction; one I can’t help thinking you also have when you ask for advice in real life if you don’t hear what you want to hear.

You don’t really want advice - you want validation. You want your mother-in-law to feel involved and consulted, but deep down you resent it when she makes any comment. What you’re essentially asking in this thread is ‘How do I change my mother-in-law’s personality so that I can ask for advice I don’t want and she won’t be disappointed when I ignore it?’

She might well be the controlling nightmare you describe - but frankly, based on this thread, I wonder if you’re exaggerating.

AfterSchoolWorry · 25/06/2018 21:14

karyatide

My mother was dead by the time I had my baby and when she was alive she gave plenty of shits about me.

karyatide · 26/06/2018 02:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DuchyDuke · 26/06/2018 05:39

You could stop consulting your parents. Perhaps that is what your DH really has issues with & not his mum feeling left out. You and DH are the unit and all decisions should be discussed between yourselves; not involve a third party!

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