Or is DF aunt a CF?

[Glitterbug29]

Long time lurker here!

DF and I are getting married in the Autumn and we posted the invitations out this week. Today DF gets a call from his 65 year old widowed Aunt who lives 2.5 hours away and can drive. Tells us she should be able to make it as long as her niece and nephew in law from the other side of the family can attend, as they live approx 40 mins away and will be providing her with a bed and a lift.

We’ve never met the niece and nephew in law so told her that unfortunately we wouldn’t be able to accommodate them for the ceremony due to strict numbers, but they’re welcome to attend in the evening. She then got upset and offered to pay for them to attend the ceremony. We pointed out that there was no cost issue (no sit down meal going on, just the ceremony and straight onto the evening!)

She didn’t seem to understand this and started crying saying we’d upset her very much and made it hard for her to attend as she wouldn’t know anyone and wouldn’t want to be alone. Her brother is my DF’s dad and she’d only be without darling niece and nephew in law for an hour or two until the evening!

AWBU to not back down on this??

Your wedding , your rules.

Don't back down

Once you give in to one, someone else will expect you to do the same for them.

YANBU it would be v odd to have people youve never met at your wedding! I got married in a venue which only allowed a certain number of guests and I would not have used that number up on people I had never met!

She is being very odd to assume she could invite someone to your wedding you dont know!
Can she not either just come to the evening do if its such a chore to her to be 'alone' for the ceremony... or just get the people she knows to drive her up to the ceremony and then go off for a bit then join her later at the evening do?
I think she is making a mountain out of a molehill here...

YANBU. If she doesn’t want to go she doesn’t have to go but she’s got a bit of nerve trying to bring uninvited guests with her. Make it very clear to her that if she’s not willing to attend alone then that’s fine and you’re sad she won’t be there but you’ll be asking someone else. You don’t want to risk her showing up with them!

She's 65, not 85! More than capable of spending a couple of hours without them.

As someone of a similar age who has managed to travel all over the country all by herself for much of the last month, I do get quite impatient with people who are as feeble as this about travel and dealing with strangers.

Was she widowed quite recently, OP? It might be that she's not used to attending functions like this on her own just yet.

I don't think that's a reason to change your guest list, but is there anyone else she could sit with for the ceremony that she knows?

Stick to your guns. Let her have her tantrum and then she can decide if she wants to come along or not.

How ridiculous - she sounds elderly & frail, not 65 at all!

Agreeing with pp, how long has she been widowed? If it hasn't been long then she might be anxious about attending without close relatives or driving alone, if her husband did all the driving.

If it's been years then who knows, has she been existing in a bubble where her niece and nephew do everything for her?

YANBU. I had a similar issue over my engagement party. My cousin wouldn't come if she couldn't bring a friend. She did know loads of people there. It ended up causing a huge fallout which has never recovered.

Stick to your guns. She can manage for 2 hours without them ffs. Or tell her she can just come to the evening as well then, with the niece.

The old mn favourite "it's an invitation not a sumons" works from your perspective too. She is under no obligation to come. But no she doesn't get to require 2 extra invites for people you don't know as a condition for her attendance.

Thanks for all the replies. She’s been widowed 7 years now and often drives 4 hours for trips to her holiday home so she’s not totally dependent on others. She’ll know a fair few people at the wedding so
I guess we’ll stick to our guns!

Surely your aunt is going to know at least some of the other guests, e.g. other people from your family?

Stick to your guns. If I was the niece I would feel awkward about attending the wedding never having met you.

Ugh, this is precisely why I wish DH and I had stuck to our original plan of getting married alone with just our kids present and a couple of witnesses, instead of being guilt tripped into a full on wedding where we were rail-roaded into inviting all and sundry to please other relatives, and ended up with a fair few people there I'd never even met. It felt weird if I'm honest, and it cost us a fortune to accommodate all these strangers. If I could go back in time and give myself a kick up the arse to stick to my guns, I would!

Don't invite these people you don't know to YOUR wedding to suit someone else.

Sounds like manipulative behaviour from your aunt. If she’s prepared to pay for her relatives to come to your wedding, why can’t she pay for a hotel/taxi for herself instead, if she wants to come ?

I would think the niece and nephew will breath a sigh of relief if you say they are not invited. You've saved them hours of hanging out with strangers or v distant relatives.

The aunt is assuming that the in-law niece and nephew want to drive her and go to a wedding where they know no-one. Or, your aunt could be using the niece and nephew as a taxi service.

Stick to your guns, you might be doing the niece and nephew a huge favour.

Definitely stick to your guns

YANBU in this situation op - stick to your guns.

I do have to say though that this attitude:

it would be v odd to have people youve never met at your wedding! I got married in a venue which only allowed a certain number of guests and I would not have used that number up on people I had never met!

Is becoming very prevalent in modern weddings and demonstrative of how ignorant a lot of people are becoming about social etiquette. It is really rude to invite just one half of a couple, on the grounds that you have never met their spouse/partner and don't want to 'waste' a space on them.

'Your wedding/your rules' is generally a good guide, but does assume that you have some awareness of etiquette and manners.

I honestly thought you were going to say she was 95, not 65!

She may, however, be worried about where she will stay the night? Can she stay with any family nearer to the ceremony/venue (ie the family that are going to be at your wedding - not the ones from her other side that you haven't met!)?

Yanbu. I had a similar problem. MIL kicked off big style that DH’s second cousin and wife weren’t invited to our wedding (we didn’t even invite my first cousins due to restricted numbers) as they were the ONLY ones who could have driven his grandparents. MIL could have driven them but she wanted to arrive the day before. DH hadn’t seen this second cousin since he was a small child. She made such a fuss we thought it would be easier to just bloody invite them. Turned out his grandparents didn’t even want to come despite getting driven there so didn’t come, so we had his second cousin and wife there anyway I’d advise you to not give in like I did. Your wedding your rules

Inviting the niece and nephew might save a family fall out.

@Bibesia

As someone of a similar age who has managed to travel all over the country all by herself for much of the last month, I do get quite impatient with people who are as feeble as this about travel and dealing with strangers.

Well good for you!

I do get so irked by this attitude from people that 'if I can do it so can you.'

People are different, some people are more anxious with strangers than others, and some people are shy and don't cope with social situations very well.

It's people like you who make people like this feel uncomfortable! 'Oh don't be silly, grow up, don't be boring, grow some balls, man up! if I can do it so can you.' Does my head in!!!

Yes the OP doesn't have to accommodate the aunt's extra 2 people, and I don't disagree with that, but cut the poor woman some slack, she is obviously anxious, and worried about coming alone. Especially so soon after losing her husband. As a pp said, she is probably anxious about being alone, as she has always had his company. Don't be so harsh and unfeeling!

And 'she is 65 not 85 or 95,' and 'she is only 65 not elderly and frail' are such ludicrous remarks.

Why do some people on here act like an age like 65 is 'nothing' and that they know people who run marathons at that age, and travel the world on their own. and still work 55 hours a week, and socialise with strangers all the time etc etc etc? Not everyone of 65 is going to be lively and energetic, and in perfect health, (in fact, in real life most 65 year olds *aren't!')

These people who judge, and insist 65 is 'no age' are the same kind of people who think you can retrain for a new career at 53, because 'you're just a spring chicken,' and employers are going to be banging the door down to employ a 59 y.o. woman with an open university degree she took 6 years to get!! And of COURSE you can leave your husband at 54, and don't worry about finding another man, there are loads of men out there looking for 54 year old women to settle down with! And of COURSE it's perfectly acceptable to start having babies at 46. I know loads of people who have done it.' Mumsnet is like a parallel universe sometimes.

I am not age bashing - I am in my 50's myself, and I can tell you it is NOT a 'young' age to start over. And 65 certainly is not 'young and sprightly' and it's possible someone of that age COULD be 'frail.' And it is on the cusp of being elderly. Why pretend it isn't?

If the OP had said the aunt was 75, or 85, some posters would still have come on here and said 'MY aunt is 99 and runs 10 miles a day, and has karate and abseiling as hobbies. Your aunt needs to sort herself out, she is just a spring chicken!'

Makes my blood boil.

This board sometimes!!!