Or is DF aunt a CF?

[Glitterbug29]

Long time lurker here!

DF and I are getting married in the Autumn and we posted the invitations out this week. Today DF gets a call from his 65 year old widowed Aunt who lives 2.5 hours away and can drive. Tells us she should be able to make it as long as her niece and nephew in law from the other side of the family can attend, as they live approx 40 mins away and will be providing her with a bed and a lift.

We’ve never met the niece and nephew in law so told her that unfortunately we wouldn’t be able to accommodate them for the ceremony due to strict numbers, but they’re welcome to attend in the evening. She then got upset and offered to pay for them to attend the ceremony. We pointed out that there was no cost issue (no sit down meal going on, just the ceremony and straight onto the evening!)

She didn’t seem to understand this and started crying saying we’d upset her very much and made it hard for her to attend as she wouldn’t know anyone and wouldn’t want to be alone. Her brother is my DF’s dad and she’d only be without darling niece and nephew in law for an hour or two until the evening!

AWBU to not back down on this??

If you hard getting married in a church, you can't stop anyone attending who wants to. They are open to all. It is weird to not have a sit down meal but invite different people for the reception. Weird and really rude.

I got very bolshie over certain things at my wedding, and ever since have wondered why I was so mean over inconsequential things. Just sayin'.

User- 'most 65yos aren't energetic and in good health'?? 65 is nowhere near ol! And I say that as a nearly-60yo. 85 is old. Even 70s is not old these days.

65 yo who can drive 4 hours when she wants to, and lost her husband 7 years ago (so not recently) should be well able to make her own way to the wedding - where she will know family- if she wanted to. The tears are manipulation, not sorrow and fear.

What ciderhouserules said.

Her brother will be there, and presumably some other relatives? She will know people, even if she hasn't been much in touch with them much; it's the way with families, isn't it? Unless there's some mysterious family feud going on which you haven't mentioned?

She's just making excuses, as you already know.

So maybe she CAN drive on her own, but she doesn't WANT to, and she doesn't want to come alone.

And you @ciderhouserules have just proven my point!!!!

'65 is nowhere near old, even 70 isn't THAT old, and I am nearly 60 so I have a right to say that.'

To many people, 65 is getting on in years. You are a pensioner at that age, and very close to being elderly. You do realise don't you, that you will make people feel like shit if they don't feel great at 60/65, because YOU feel more like 30!

As I said, just because YOU think a certain way and feel a certain way, don't bash others who don't think and feel the same. I get royally pissed off with people who do that. It happens a lot on here, and even in real life sometimes.

Fact is, that in real life MOST 65 year olds are not sprightly and energetic and in great health. As I said, I am not age bashing, but stop trying to make out 65 is the new 35, and 80 is the new 40!

As I said, mumsnet really is a parallel universe.

user, you miss my point. The point is that people in their 60s who go round using age as an excuse for everything they can't be bothered to do, or in order to manipulate people, can't claim the sympathy vote when you look at people much older than them who make the effort. This woman isn't going to be with strangers, she knows a number of the guests; and if her reason for not wanting to go is anxiety, the polite response is simply to decline, not to try to guilt-trip her host into inviting more people at her behest.

I would in any event query the assumption that she is anxious if she is in the habit of driving four hours to her holiday home: that sort of journey would normally involve a degree of stress, to say nothing of interacting with strangers if she stops for meals or drinks on the way. And how many frail elderly people do you know who do that?

Why do you say this is "so soon after losing her husband"? He died seven years ago.

Of course she may not want to drive, or may not want to come on her own. What on earth has that got to do with her age? There are people of 20 who can and do feel like that.

Why not tell her to bring her next door neighbour and their kids too-I'm joking.

No yabnu.

Fact is, that in real life MOST 65 year olds are not sprightly and energetic and in great health

And your evidence for this is what, exactly? Have you conducted a survey to support your claims or is this speculation based on your own experiences?

and started crying saying we’d upset her very much and made it hard for her to attend

This is the point where I would have started digging my heels in. Pathetic behaviour whatever age.

It’s the going on your own and finding your way to your bedroom/ hotel, entering crowded rooms on your own, possibly sitting on your own etc
I would do it but I’d be much happier if I had someone with me.

"Thanks for your reply, we are unable to accommodate anymore for the ceremony. With that in mind, we look forward to you joining us in the evening with niece and nephew if you are unable to attend the ceremony without them"

If it doesn't cost you anything what's the harm? Isn't it easier and kinder just to agree?

We aren’t getting married in a church, so people can’t just turn up. The room only holds 60 so places are already taken. I haven’t been able to invite all the family I wanted to the ceremony so I won’t be making an exception for these people who I’ve never met. I will try to coordinate things so that she’s with her close family (if she decides to attend!)

There’ll be no sit down meal because we’re on a budget and it’s not our style. Everyone will be well fed in the evening though!

Ahh, I see - that makes more sense! I can see why you can't really say yes. I expect she'll come round when she sees you can't budge to accommodate her.

What you're suggesting is perfectly reasonable, but maybe it would help if you explained it as you have in your latest post -
room holds only 60 people
have had to exclude other family members as the room is full
welcome to come to the evening meal.

If she still feels that's unfair then there's no pleasing her and she can fuck off.

I don't think this is an age issue. I think it's more an issue of weddings are the most couply events going. It's very tough to attend weddings single.

7 years widowed might sound like a long time but really it's not her husband was possibly quite young dying and will be hugely missed by her at the wedding. I'm guessing she doesn't have children and her niece is as close as she comes.

May be FIL / MIL need to come up with a solution for her to travel / sit with them?

To many people, 65 is getting on in years. You are a pensioner at that age, and very close to being elderly.

Don't you ever pay attention to the news? I'm 57 and won't be getting my state pension till I'm 67; I had a letter confirming that just last month. As it is, I'm internally fixed on probably retiring at 70 as (1) it could well be changed AGAIN, and (2) I can work as late as is agreed with my employer - it's not uncommon to be working in non-manual jobs in your early 70s.

We aren’t getting married in a church, so people can’t just turn up. The room only holds 60 so places are already taken.

Again, I do see your point, but this venue is presumably one that you chose; you could have chosen a different one with larger capacity but decided to please yourselves at the expense of being a generous and accommodating host.

I am being devil's advocate to a certain extent here, but you can see why this is looking like you've been a bit selfish and rude, surely?

User you are wrong. Most 65 year olds these days ARE sprightly & energetic & in great health.

Bit baffled by people saying you should have chosen a bigger venue so you could accommodate randoms. You've sensibly chosen to have a wedding you can afford. Your aunt should be pleased that you're one of the 60 people you count as close enough to invite. She's been a CF demanding to bring people you've never met. Hold firm.

It doesn't matter what other 65 year olds can and can't do. OP has already said that the aunt is quite capable of driving 4 hours to her holiday home and so she is capable of driving to the wedding.

Again, I do see your point, but this venue is presumably one that you chose; you could have chosen a different one with larger capacity but decided to please yourselves at the expense of being a generous and accommodating host.
Did you not see where they are on a budget? A bigger place would cost more money.

I would tell her that all the invitations have gone out and you can't and won't ask for people who you know/love to decline their invite for people you don't know.