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Original poster

To not want to be friends with my transgender friend?

77 replies

birdonawire1 · 23/06/2018 19:58

When he was a man he was the loveliest, kindest and most thoughtful of men. Very self afacing and a devoted husband and father to 3 lovely children.

Since ‘coming out’ and dressing as a woman with all the attendant hormone treatment, hair extensions and so on she has become selfish and self centred. When we go out for a walk in the park she wears flashy clothes and killer heels and looks out of place. She would look nice in much more dressed down clothes and better as a woman but it’s all about the heels and showing cleavage.

The devastation to her wife and son in particular has been shattering yet she takes no responsibility and blames her wife for turning the children against her. No mention of her wife living a lie for all those years. She goes on dating websites all done up and is getting lots of dubious attention. She wants me to go out partying half the week despite having children and a DH and having outgrown that lifestyle

I supported her at first and have no issues at all with LGBT people, but I really can’t handle this, but if I walk away she will have very few old friends left and hasn’t made new ones yet. She has already lost a lot of her old friends because of the selfishness and not the transgenderism, as well as her wife and kids.

OP posts:
Original poster
birdonawire1 · 23/06/2018 20:27

orange. That’s it exactly. She is revelling in the freedom and the attention and being able to do what she’s dreamed of doing for years.

At the moment I am just ignoring calls, but I know it’s the cowards way out.

I know the best thing to do is speak to her and just be honest, but it will seem like a slap in the face, as I know underneath the confident external she is very anxious and vulnerable. Maybe this is why she is being so selfish.

Standing back and seeing if she settles down and becomes more comfortable with who she is very good advice. She does need support and I would feel so bad walking away, but I’ll try to get the courage to speak about her behaviour and just be honest.

I feel though that the friendship is pretty much in ruins and my real sympathies now are with her wife, who I’ve only met briefly a few times.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 23/06/2018 20:27

I'm talking decades ago, but I had a friend who came out as gay and he became extremely flamboyant, bitchy, chip on shoulder, and 'look at me, I'm gaaayyyy!'. It lasted a few months then he calmed down. I think it was a combination of the excitement of becoming his true self and the fear of being rejected by those he cared about.

Your decision whether to speak to your friend, wait it out and see if he settles down, or just phasing out of his life.

Original poster
birdonawire1 · 23/06/2018 20:28

‘Roses’. Yes, all of those things. Maxing our credit cards and spending like there no tomorrow.

OP posts:
rosesandflowers1 · 23/06/2018 20:28

I supported her at first and have no issues at all with LGBT people, but I really can’t handle this, but if I walk away she will have very few old friends left and hasn’t made new ones yet.

Rereading ...

Is it possible she's going for a "new" life? I know a lot of trans people do this. They want to restart as the gender they really are, so they sort of get rid of family and old friends and are ready to escape to new ones and a new lifestyle. Which can obviously be very distressing for those around them.

If this is the case, maybe it's time for you to withdraw, OP. If she's driving people away through selfishness there's probably behaviour she's exhibiting that is unacceptable. The "new crowd" she might start hanging out with may be very different from her old friends.

On the other hand, I daresay she's feeling insecure and vulnerable ATM and she's unlikely to get new friends when she's still feeling a bit unstable and being a bit selfish. Further, if she's generally very down to earth and this is a temporary reaction to her transition, the friends she'll make on wild nights out won't be the friends she needs in a few weeks time.

Maybe step back. Stay friendly but don't hang out as often.

I think in a few weeks time she might need a friend.

rosesandflowers1 · 23/06/2018 20:30

Yes, all of those things. Maxing our credit cards and spending like there no tomorrow.

Yep - sounds like some coming out excitement! Take a step back and a couple of weeks, you'll have your old friend again!

Like someone said above, I think it's a combination of insecurity and excitement.

SnuggyBuggy · 23/06/2018 20:30

It always strikes how people like this conveniently wait until they have got what they want out of being men (wife and child) before coming out as being a woman all along.

Iceweasel · 23/06/2018 20:31

Could you do things with her where she has less opportunity to show off and dress like a prostitute? Indoor rock climbing, hiking, fun things you can do with the kids?

Adambarlow · 23/06/2018 20:31

He’s not your problem. Selfish individual. His poor family.

Original poster
birdonawire1 · 23/06/2018 20:32

Mumsnetters are extremely wise and insightful Flowers

OP posts:
SisyphusWasGenderCritical · 23/06/2018 20:35

" Maxing our credit cards "?

FlyingElbows · 23/06/2018 20:35

My daughter is having a very similar issue with her friend who is going through transition (albeit much younger and without a spouse or children). As a girl she was lovely and kind and thoughtful although clearly dealing with very impartial home issues. As a trans man he is utterly self-obsessed and demanding. His behaviour is causing my daughter to want to withdraw from their friendship which would be very sad and no doubt contribute further to his problems. The very saddest thing is that none of his treatment, hormonal or surgical, has changed a single thing which is the true driving force behind his transition. It hasn't "cured" his hfa or suddenly made him a suitable replacement for the male sibling who died. It's awful to watch but I won't encourage my daughter to maintain the friendship to her own detriment, there has to be a line somewhere.

missmouse101 · 23/06/2018 20:36

I wouldn't engage with him any more. It sounds dreadful. No shame in stepping away from the debacle.

FlockOfDogs · 23/06/2018 20:37

He just doesn’t sound very nice. Drop if you want to.

iamawoman · 23/06/2018 20:38

Also i dont think we can avoid the elephant in the room that gender dysphoria is still regarded as a mental health condition ....the fact is that he is a male that thinks he is a female - it is psychological / personality disordered behaviour of sorts so the change in personality may well be long lasting and permament ......he was one person before and now he is another ...we all are guilty of carrying on frienships well past their sell by date - maybe just retreat for a while and see what happens

JellySlice · 23/06/2018 20:39

Sounds like they're going through a second, new, teenagerhood.

Question is, do you want to be BFFs with a teenager?

Poppyred85 · 23/06/2018 20:40

Look at the trans widows thread in feminism chat, then read about autogynaephilia. Some people in trans lobby groups would prefer you not to know about this aspect of transition for some transwomen, but I suspect it explains your friend’s behaviour.

Original poster
birdonawire1 · 23/06/2018 20:46

Maxing out credit cards. Slip of the finger with t being next to r.!

OP posts:
Original poster
birdonawire1 · 23/06/2018 20:48

poppy. Thanks I’ll do that

OP posts:
hididdlyhoneighborino · 23/06/2018 20:52

but if I walk away she will have very few old friends left and hasn’t made new ones yet.

Like someone else said, it's not your problem. She sounds like she needs to face up to her actions. To devastate the family so much and have so little regard for it is really horrible, and not someone I'd want to be friends with- if someone has no regard for the feelings of their own child then there's no hope for them as a friend.

BlancheM · 23/06/2018 20:54

The dressing up as a male's porno ideal 'woman' sounds autogynaephilic
The rest would be enough to put me off anyway though.

ResistanceIsNecessary · 23/06/2018 20:56

It's quite common in MTF transitions in adults. The flamboyance and need to go out and dressing in skimpy or revealing clothes is part of the initial transition phase. It's to attract attention because they are looking for external validation of their chosen gender. I suspect that if the attention was negative (i.e. calling them out as their natal sex) that the desire to go out would be significantly curbed.

Likewise the leaving behind and "othering" of family is also part of the recreation - they are focused on living life as their "authentic selves" and the wife and kids are a reminder of their past that they tend not to want to acknowledge.

My sympathies are for the family; it's a very difficult time. Especially as current ideology states that all support should go to the transitioning party and those left behind are supposed to put up and shut up.

shinycat · 23/06/2018 20:58
Hmm
seafret · 23/06/2018 20:58

I agree with iamawoman re disordered MH. It is often more complex than many people like to think, and significant changes in behaviour are actually common with identity changes as behaviour/ personality is bound up with identity and expression of inner thoughts and values etc.

Step away if they aren't being kind or a person that you respect or like. It will do both of you more good if you continue to respect yourself and maintain your values and boundaries.

Prestonsflowers · 23/06/2018 21:03

@birdonawire1
As well as poppy’s suggested thread try also looking at “break it down for me” this thread is in Feminist chat too

50shadesofgreyismylaundry · 23/06/2018 21:09

I lost a very good friend after he came out as gay. I have absolutely no problem with him being gay and I miss him lots. He just fell in with some very camp friends, went very wild and us old, boring straight couples were ditched. I know he was revelling in his new found 'out' identity and I don't blame him. He's probably settled down a bit by now but sadly we've both moved away and have no contact details anymore. Maybe your friend is going a bit wild enjoying her new identity but will find equilibrium over time.