To not want to be friends with my transgender friend?

[birdonawire1]

When he was a man he was the loveliest, kindest and most thoughtful of men. Very self afacing and a devoted husband and father to 3 lovely children.

Since ‘coming out’ and dressing as a woman with all the attendant hormone treatment, hair extensions and so on she has become selfish and self centred. When we go out for a walk in the park she wears flashy clothes and killer heels and looks out of place. She would look nice in much more dressed down clothes and better as a woman but it’s all about the heels and showing cleavage.

The devastation to her wife and son in particular has been shattering yet she takes no responsibility and blames her wife for turning the children against her. No mention of her wife living a lie for all those years. She goes on dating websites all done up and is getting lots of dubious attention. She wants me to go out partying half the week despite having children and a DH and having outgrown that lifestyle

I supported her at first and have no issues at all with LGBT people, but I really can’t handle this, but if I walk away she will have very few old friends left and hasn’t made new ones yet. She has already lost a lot of her old friends because of the selfishness and not the transgenderism, as well as her wife and kids.

[DianaPrincessOfThemyscira]

I couldn't remain friends with someone who behaved this way. The clothing and the partying - ok, annoying but I could deal. This part:

The devastation to her wife and son in particular has been shattering yet she takes no responsibility and blames her wife for turning the children against her. No mention of her wife living a lie for all those years.

No. Just, no. Selfish and cruel.

[LighthouseSouth]

going to work every day is putting on a mask

I have depression and anxiety so put on a mask

I have elderly parents to deal with so put on a mask

I hope that when I retire, when my parents are gone etc I don't suddenly become horribly selfish!!

re the wearing of heels in odd places - I have an ex friend who took pride in going out on a country picnic in heels, clutching on to us as she negotiated muddy patches. That friendship didn't last long. I don't know what that behaviour is about but it's just a PITA.

[maxthemartian]

I'm very gender critical, but even I can imagine how stressful it must be trying to present a false or edited version of yourself to the world day in day out

But everyone does, to some extent. I do a lot... I have ASD so I mask. It wouldn't make it okay to behave like a selfish twat as a grown adult though.

[0range99]

I realise I flippantly commented that my friend is worse than a teenage girl, but subsequent comments do allude to this being a process of discovery.

What I find most difficult about my friend and her new trans friends is the OTT and very sexualised clothing worn at not necessarily appropriate times / places and plastered all over SM - I can't help but cringe that her kids are seeing pics of her arse cheeks hanging out the bottom of cut off shorts.

If she wore mum boots, jeans, minimal make up and a bob she would look more womanly than the stripper outfit in Aldi / Pizza Hut. But maybe it is done for attention.

[OutComeTheWolves]

I'm pretty sure I remember seeing something on the Caitlin Jenner reality show describing this exact thing. IIRC, Caitlin said it was fairly common for people to relive their teenage years after transition.

I'm very gender critical, but even I can imagine how stressful it must be trying to present a false or edited version of yourself to the world day in day out. Coming out must feel like being released from prison in some ways. Combine that with the effects of hormone treatment and I can see why people go through a little wild phase.

Come to think of it, other life events such as break ups and divorces can at times trigger similar behaviour.

[gamerwidow]

To be fair to your friend what she is doing is similar to what many women do after leaving a long term relationship especially if they settled down young. It’s not uncommon after a break up to go a bit mad on the dressing up and going out especially if you’ve been unhappy for a long time. Doesn’t make it any less annoying for you but it’s annoying when natal women do it too it’s not a trans issue. Whether they are worth keeping as a friend depends on how long this phase goes on for. I would drop back a bit and let them get it out of their system and see if they settle down in a few months. Once the initial novelty wears off they’ll probably go back to bring the kind friend you had before if not then that’s a shame but it’s their loss.

[Singadream]

Not read whole thread. But your friend will be finding their feet in terms of what it means to be a woman to them - they haven;t had the years you had as a teen for example experimenting with clothes and make up and what kind of woman, for want of a better phrase, you wanted to look and behave like. They are doing it now. Possibly you can also only find your true self in terms of being a man or a woman if you do just become massively selfish for a bit, because if you weren;t selfish you wouldn;t put your life and your family's life in such upheaval.

Can you create distance without dropping the friendship - maybe even say look your life is all over the place at the moment and I am always here to support you and be your friend but some of our meetings aren;t working for me at the moment - so create some space while making sure they know you are there in the background longterm - maybe invite them for dinner at your house?

Also I just googled support groups for friends of transgender people and loads come up - maybe they will have advice.

[ToeToToe]

You don't have to be friends with someone whose personallity has changed beyond all recognition, and that goes, regardless of sex, gender or gender identity.

You don't have to go to bars/clubs with any friend if it doesn't suit your lifestyle at the moment (having young dc, for example).

I would agree with pp's that your friend sounds autogynephilic rather than gender dysphoric ie. is getting a sexual kick out of dressing as a woman, and having breasts etc - rather than feeling like they are genuinely trapped in the 'wrong body'.

There's a very interesting TED talk by a wife of such a man, who transitioned in middle age, which you may find helpful.

[watchingwithinterest]

she is not truly female only a parody of what he perceives as a woman.

Maybe if your friend was happy to wear boden and supported her/his kids properly you may feel more inclined, if he showed some remorse for his actions and the hurt he has called. Lets call it humanity, then your friendship may have survived.

It is too much to expect any friend to put up with this. He needs to find his own trans friends and life now. Offer support to his wife and children, they are the ones that truly deserve it.

[TinselAngel]

It's refreshing to hear your concern for your friend's wife. And yes do come over to the Trans Widows thread,all who have lost significant people in their life, in this way, are welcome!

[Mummyoflittledragon]

If you don’t want to just let things slide, I think I’d send a text along the lines of your post of 20.27 explaining how she’s changed personalities not just genders. Also stating that you know she’s vulnerable underneath and how hard your decision is to take a break from the friendship. That you appreciate she needs to discover herself and in so doing she’s choosing to do this in way that pulls her away from family and friendship ties and into a place you don’t feel comfortable going.

[NotMeOhNo]

Your situation is mirrored on countless discussions across the Internet. Can I recommend reddit gender critical's pinned post at the top of their page for personal stories just like yours, where trans allies and friends became hurt and disillusioned by self-centred behaviour after transitioning.

[DickTERFin]

This individual is not a teenager though. They are a grown-up and their gender identity is immaterial.

It is infantilizing to not impose the same basic behavioural expectations onto this person as you would on any other friend. Transitioning is not a hall pass to behave like a douche.

You do not exist as a prop to facilitate other people's choices.

If your friend cannot find it within themselves to be a mature adult friend to you, then do yourself a favour and cut the cord now before you become properly resentful of them. Adult support networks should always have a degree of mutuality to them - if it is one way only, then you are on the fast track to an abusive relationship. You would be facilitating your friends personal growth by walking away; it is an inevitable lesson that we all must learn at some point if we want to have truly connected relationships, that it's not all about mememe.

[BeyondSceptical]

This would be exactly the kind of thread someone mining mn for transphobic comments to share on twitter would start.

[themooon]

i thin ynbu but you should not call someone selfish and self centred based on their choice of clothes the effect caused to the family and the fact you can choose who and who not to be friends with makes you nbu

[museumum]

The only transgender person I know was a colleague who as a man I had loads in common with and long conversations. As a woman she was no longer interested in talking about our previous shared interest. I can’t actually find any common ground with her now. It’s like she really is a completely 100% different person. One I don’t really get on with unfortunately.

[Vintagegoth]

You don't HAVE to be friends with this individual. You may need to take into account that this person may be going through a "teenage" phase in their new identity and become incredibly self- centred as teenagers often are, but you can choose to limit contact without being seen as a TERF.

[Poppyred85]

I think the effect of hormones is a red herring. Yes, teenagers are effected by their hormones, but their brains are still under going development and have relative plasticity. This person is an adult, has lived life and seen enough of it to have fathered children and been married. The two are not really comparable. I don’t think many of us would be happy if our behaviour was put down to “hormones” would we?

[WTFnnoh]

She may be transgender but she’s still a person. No need to tiptoe round her if she’s being a bitch. There will be plenty of people yelling transphobe because you don’t want to be friends anymore but being part of the LGBT community doesn’t absolve you of all sin. A bitch is still a bitch either way.

[Ihuntmonsters]

It's also interesting that if a woman behaved like this no one would say anything positive about it at all, going through a 'mid life crisis' would probably be the kindest comment they would get, most would be very harsh indeed.

[Coyoacan]

I think personalities are mutable. A dear friend of mine changed when she got a new partner and I ended up having to terminate the friendship. On reflection I felt that she had to two sides to her character but that the new partner brought out and emphasised her unpleasant side.

[Ihuntmonsters]

I think the problem is more that the friend is imagining/identifying themselves as not just a woman but a teenage girl and so giving themselves permission to behave in a way that they think teenage girls behave. I think this because what the OP describes is to me way more autogynephilic than gender dysphoric. It seems as if for some people once they let their fetish out of the bag they cease to be in control and it then dominates their life in a very destructive way.

[missymayhemsmum]

Just asking here, is the effect of taking hormones to transition similar to the effect of puberty? Has your lovely male friend just turned into a moody, self-centred teenage girl?

[RachelfromFriends]

If you met her now would you be friends? If not then there is your answer.

My DH has a trans friend and she also has gone OTT, all tits and legs out, JLO red carpet dresses with stripper heels no matter what the setting is.

I once read on MN that often after transitioning people tend to act like a teenager discovering themselves acting selfishly and pushing the boundaries

[rosesandflowers1]

*situation as her, sorry