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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

will I ever be free ??

100 replies

bestoftherest · 23/06/2018 17:49

of my abusive mother I was badly abused for 18 years wippings beatings isolated locked up I'm now 23 with a 2 year old and the abuse is starting to infiltrate to her life . she's not allowed to go to NURSERY now .I'm very frightend for us and the future she wants my daughter for her self I don't know where to turn im sad lonely 23 year old who has hit rock bottom with nowhere to turn

OP posts:

Original poster

bestoftherest · 23/06/2018 18:42

I've never spoken about the abuse I suffered except online .I would struggle to say it out loud ,the words would not be able to exit my mouth . she also says she wants my daughter alone so far I have supervised all contact . I am so scared of what she could do .

OP posts:

suckonthatmaureen · 23/06/2018 18:44

There is no way on this earth she can have your child taken away because they go to Nursery.

However, if you let your mother into your child's life then you may end up with an abused child - and then social services will most definitely be interested. But by then the damage will be done.

Go to the police for help and get to your GP for counselling. Go to your council, call women's aid and get all the advice you can get and move on.

You're the mother here and you need to ensure that the abuse doesn't continue for a second generation.

ihatewineandsoaps · 23/06/2018 18:45

It's time for you to take control back. Put your daughter in nursery and tell nursery no one picks her up but you explain the situation to them. If she turns up at your house ring the police and tell them she is harassing you and won't leave you or your daughter alone. Let her call social services you have nothing to hide, let them keep coming out for visits and tell them the truth your mother is being malicious! You can do this! Don't doubt yourself!

Aprilshouldhavebeenmyname · 23/06/2018 18:46

Actually Ss may be able to support you in you reporting her to the police!! And they can help you protect your dd from her!!
She has absolutely no legal rights to your dc at all. None, diddly squat. Everyone on here will confirm .
Take control back and ring the police.

Leeds2 · 23/06/2018 18:47

There is absolutely nothing she can do if you stop contact between her and DD. Grandparents have no rights of access.

nearlythesummer · 23/06/2018 18:47

How very hard for you. Do you go to toddlers groups? Perhaps one at a church as there should be someone there who can help you, if not, you will soon meet people to at least talk to and hopefully make friends with.
Moving away would be hard, but you have your daughters care to focus on. All the very best.

user1498854363 · 23/06/2018 18:47

Op, please see if there are children’s centres near you, they have support staff who can help you and your child. Others are right unless you are damaging/abusing yr child, social services are unlikely to take her away.

You do need to stop contact and I suggest moving so she can’t treat you like this, it is not ok.

There are also young parents groups. Reach out to others their support will help you. You are not alone, BUT now you MUST protect your child, if you don’t then she will be damaged by the abuse and may be removed from you.

Wish you strength to seek help.

Women’s aid will help too.

Good luck

kateandme · 23/06/2018 18:48

no one especially not a relative can fake abuse or pretend you mistreating your child past a certain point.what would happen.they would come see you and see she is talking bollocks.shed quickly back off.by listening and meeting her demands and manipulation she continues knowing she has you still under her control.
yourthe mum now though.you have someone to protect.remember you couldn't protect yourself.but you have the power and the strength now to do so for your little one.you can fight thre corner where no one had urs.and u can then win.how good would it feel to just say no.watch her then squirm under not having you in her command.i no its hard and scary.but it take that one time that one time and your strength and power will grow so much itl feel like dynamite.becasue as much as the fear says it,she doesn't not own you.never did.but now your old enough to make it happen. be the change and make the change.you can do it.
who is there to talk to?friends.the local gp or womans aid.there are several chairtys who could help steer you in the right direction.
those first moments of figting back will be bloody terrifying and ul question urself at every turn.but that's because she has brainwashed your crouage away from you.dont let her anymore.fight back.she doesn't deserve any more of your time.and now definitely doesn't deserve to make your daughter feel like she did you.
are the nursery kind.could you go to one fo the worker and explain the scary situation your in.im sure theyd do anything to help.and would then be alerted to safegauridng you dc

Quartz2208 · 23/06/2018 18:49

OP please go to social services and ask for support thereby removing any power she has

Dragongirl10 · 23/06/2018 18:50

Op l am so sorry for what you have been through.

You have to decide if wanting to protect your daughter is going to make you strong enough to stop her once and for all.

If you really want to protect your baby girl from your vicious mother then you need to find your strength, and go to the police station and make a report. If you are worried you will not be able to speak then write it down. Ask for protection and immediate help, ask them to help you inform the relevant support groups and explain.

Then go to your GP do the same.

You know what is in store for your daughter if you are too weak to do this, please think of her future.

With help you could move to a new place far away from DM and where she cannot find you or your daughter, your DD can go to nursey and school free of abuse and happy.

TeachesOfPeaches · 23/06/2018 18:50

OP I can see you're so warn down that you believe she has all this power. What will social services do if she reports you? There is no law saying that grandparents get access either. You need to move away and get away from her for good. Do you have anyone to support you?

suckonthatmaureen · 23/06/2018 18:55

Actually, preempt her by self referring to SS. They are there to provide support for just this type of situation. As a PP said, you will remove her power.

It will be difficult and you will have to open up, and it will be painful. But do it to protect your DD and yourself.

kateandme · 23/06/2018 18:59

don't be scared anymore.your safe now.or you can be.and that means being really brave and speaking out.the moment you do the moment her power is zeroed.
her as the abuser has squashed you and your voice.thats her.its not you.your brave enough to go through it.you can be brave enough to get help.take a step at a time and seek protection and advice.you deserve that.and so now does your dc.
if this goes on imagine the worst happens and she hurts you dc.then you will feel like the worst person!im not trying to scare you further but it seems it could become a reality by what you've said.so you need to really really be strong and save the both of you.

kikashi · 23/06/2018 19:05

Speak to your health Visitor or phone Women's Aid or even your GP about your fears. Your mother has no right to stop your DD going to Nursery. Tell her if she continues to harass you you will report her to the police. This is abuse. If she comes shouting - take a video on your phone and call the police and have it logged.

PerfectlyDone · 23/06/2018 19:05

Call the police when she stand outside your house, shouting.

Take control back - YOU contact SS and ask them for help to control your mother's behaviour.
Whether you disclose the old abuse is entirely up to you. It can be helpful for context though.
I am so sorry you are having to deal with this

Your priority MUST be your DD - don't let her down by not seeking the support that is out there. It won't find you though, YOU have to do and make contact with relevant agencies.

Seriously, call the police - she making a nuisance of herself in public.
And do NOT allow unsupervised contact.

bevelino · 23/06/2018 19:06

OP, do you have a health visitor, if so they should help and advise you through this situation.

WingsOnMyBoots · 23/06/2018 19:06

You've done the right thing coming on here and telling people. You need to do more of this and tell other people what is happening. Your mum sounds like a narcissist. Google for support groups for people suffering emotional abuse at the hands of narcs.Speak to your doctors. Speak to Womens Aid .Call the police if she starts threatening and harassing etc. Involve social services if you have to. Make sure everyone knows what is going on. She only has power if you give it to her.

AcrossthePond55 · 23/06/2018 19:09

Is there any way you can move? I'm not in the UK (assume you are) so I don't know about housing, benefits etc. But in your position I think my first idea would be to get far away, even if it meant I had to form new friendships and support systems.

Another suggestion, have you call WA? I know they deal mainly with spousal/domestic abuse, but they may have some resources to help you.

Remember that if your child is clean and well fed and your house is reasonably clean and there are no drugs or other stuff like that, SS is NOT going to take your child away. Even if you have MH issues they won't, as long as you are meds compliant and doing what needs to be done to stay healthy!

I know you've said your DD's dad 'isn't here', but is he anywhere around? Would he help you?

petrolpump28 · 23/06/2018 19:10

Your mum sounds like a narcissist. No the person is an abuser.
Please tell a trusted outsider and go to the GP.

BasicUsername · 23/06/2018 19:10

What area do you live in OP? It would help if you gave a general idea, so that local users might be able to recommend relevant local services.

AcrossthePond55 · 23/06/2018 19:11

And if she stands outside and screams, call the police. I'm sure they would say there was an 'anonymous' call from 'a neighbour' if you told them you were afraid of her and didn't want her to know you called.

Original poster

bestoftherest · 23/06/2018 19:11

she has previously reported me to social services. her job means they would probably believe anything she says she is also a fabulous liar everyone who meets her thinks she is a wonderful sweet kind lady .its very complicated , I have attempted suicide twice at 18 . before I had my daughter when I was locked up at home because of this I have a poor mental health record I wasn't even suicidal It was a cry for help . she will say i am crazy she will be believed I got away at 19 became a sex worker and got pregnant with my daughter .I know I keep putting up barricades to every suggestion that is made but If I cut contact I am risking my daughter i also know I can no longer live like this and let my daughter be abused I just wish I had a friend for some support so i wasnt going through this on my own anymore .or I was confident enough to actually talk to a person

OP posts:

keyboardkate · 23/06/2018 19:12

Jesus what a sad story for mother and daughter.

OP I'd say you are terrified of the control your mother had/has over you.

She doesn't have any control over you or your lovely daughter anymore.

Nursery as a pp said should be given strict instructions that UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES is anyone but you to bring or collect your girl apart from you, unless you give them permission for someone you trust.

It must be so terrifying for you. Well the nursery is a start, although I'm sure you are scared that she will make up a story or something. That's probably in your poor head.

The only way this will be solved is if you move FAR away from her, or get a restraining order.

Grandparents have NO rights re their grandchildren. You are the Mum.

StinkyVonWinky · 23/06/2018 19:12

OP I supported a friend through a similar situation with an emotionally abusive mother. My friend was very reluctant to go to the police but did eventually do this. They were supportive and gave her lots of good advice and helped her to take out an injunction against her mother. It was the hardest thing my friend ever had to do BUT she is so happy now, having made a new life with her child. I would urge you to go to the police, they will help you. My friend was also scared like you, that her mother could take her child away or that Social Services might act her say so rather than the truth, but that won't happen. You do really need to get the police involved, they will listen and they will help. Go tomorrow morning if you can.

Original poster

bestoftherest · 23/06/2018 19:18

i was locked in a room and fed on few boiled eggs a day at eighteen years old how pathetic is that . I was not allowed out the house unsupervised i got regular beatings for trying to steal food cos i was hungry .if I could let her do that to me then she knows she can do as she pleases to me .

OP posts:

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