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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To find this sad?

81 replies

AnyLondoner · 22/06/2018 13:36

DD is 4 and DS is 5, 6 in September. DD is such a sweet and caring girl, so considerate. Anything she gets, she always makes sure she shares it with DS, and if she can’t share, she will ask why DS is not having any. The other day we were in Poundland, and she wanted this pink toy, she also immediately reached out for the blue version for DS. Anything you give her, she wants to share it with DS, if she gets home and DS is not home, she always asks for him.

DS on the other hand will NEVER share anything with DD unless he’s told to, never asks for DD if he gets home before her. He will literally walk into the living room, sit down and eat his snack and won’t even notice she’s not there.

I’m gonna start redecorate the house soon, and I asked them if they wanted to share a bedroom. DS immediately says NO with angry face, and DD said yes.

I know that deep down he does love his sister and he’s just a child, but it just sad to see and hear how much DD cares for him and always thinking of him, and he doesn’t seem to care for her.

OP posts:

Katedotness1963 · 22/06/2018 15:56

I think I'd feel a bit sad too. We're lucky that our boys have always been as thick as thieves, good about sharing and look after each other.

Some of the replies on here are nasty. And some of you can take such a huge leap you should be long jumping in the bloody Olympics...

Original poster

AnyLondoner · 22/06/2018 15:56

@SugarIsAmazing funny you should say that, DS loves horrid Henry 😂 and he wore the horrid Henry costume on world book day.

OP posts:

LeahJack · 22/06/2018 15:58

It is also normal for a younger one to look up to the older one at this stage. He will be exciting and grown up to her and will be doing things she can’t do yet. But for him, she is behind him, she probably seems childish to him and he may well feel like playing with her limits him and is a bit boring which is normal too.

As they grow up and the age difference is less pronounced it will get easier. If he’s anything like my brother, when she starts school his protective instinct will come out. Big brothers can be swines to their little sisters, but they don’t like it when anybody else tries it!

Original poster

AnyLondoner · 22/06/2018 16:00

@LeahJack I hope so, DD is due to start Reception at the same school as DS

OP posts:

LeahJack · 22/06/2018 16:01

Ah, there you go! Hope it does the trick.

FrogsAreMean · 22/06/2018 16:02

OP please don't take to heart the hurtful comments regarding you supposedly loving your daughter more than your son. There are some very spiteful, bitter know it all's on this site and you just have to rise above them.
I am sure you are a wonderful mum to both of your children - just keep being you and as the mother of four children myself, believe me when I say it is perfectly normal behaviour for the older child to act like that towards their younger sibling.

Kokeshi123 · 22/06/2018 16:03

Oh God, the blank slate-its are at it again.

I am talking about the people who believe that everything about a child's personality is basically "caused" by the parent's parenting or the parent's attitude.

If one sibling is more difficult than the other, then clearly it MUST be the fault of the parents for favoring one and making the other resentful. The idea that maybe children actually have different personalities and their parents respond accordingly is too difficult to fathom.

Oh, and if a little girl wants pink it's obviously been nagged and lectured into her by her sexist parents. (What a load of crap. They pick up these kinds of cultural signals regardless of what the parents do)

Original poster

AnyLondoner · 22/06/2018 16:07

@neveradullmoment99 I have noticed on some threads that, some posters seem to focus on the small things and completely miss the point of the thread.

OP posts:

laloup1 · 22/06/2018 16:08

OP I can’t help you with your question but on pink and blue - my stepdaughter was firmly into that when she was just two, to my shock and surprise. The world still conditions kids. Pink is apparently the best colour ever but lately she tells me that purple is also a nice colour ... for girls!!!
Ok I’ll shut up now and leave the way clear for people with wisdom to offer on your actual question.

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 22/06/2018 16:09

It is, but quite common for the older one, and so close in age she’ll be in direct competition.

I’d not get him into trouble unless he’s mean. Let him have his own space and don’t force it. But maybe you could set up situations which helps their relationship. Where they both get turns to choose what to do. Where the oldest gets a chance to help the younger one and get rewarded, where the younger one plays a game with older that no one else does.

Give the oldest lots of praise too. And cut down on the sharing if possible, they can each have their own stuff, or their own set times on things without it being something DS has to give up.

whenshewasgood · 22/06/2018 16:09

although re cultural signals - some of us respond more to them than others. One of my main surprises with having DC has been how strong their personalities are, and how what worked for DC1 has not been at ALL the same for DC2.

It's one of the nicest things. I'm from a large family, we're all different.

RosemaryLemonxx · 22/06/2018 16:10

I have younger siblings- dB10 and ds5. Relationship is quite similar. I think it's just an older sibling thing. Again with young cousins I have

Original poster

AnyLondoner · 22/06/2018 16:13

@FrogsAreMean I love all my children, and yes it's properly an age / personality difference.

I have another DS who's 2 years old, they have similar personalities, him and DD. Very caring and affectionate, and don't mind sharing.

I know he's only a child, but sometimes DS reminds me of his dad, selfish and always thinking of himself and his own needs lol

OP posts:

ArmySal · 22/06/2018 16:13

Do you think women should tailor what they discuss in case any important MEN are reading, and think we're silly?

I have no idea what you're talking about, or where you've got that from. I'll hazard a guess you don't either. Oh and btw, men use the site too. It isn't 'women discussing'.

Audree · 22/06/2018 16:15

I wouldn’t worry too much, it’s the age and also the big sibling versus the little sibling dynamic. I’m sure your ds cares for his little sister in his own way, but he’s six and having his own room sounds pretty cool.
On the other hand, a 4 yo is still attached to parents/siblings, the more the merrier.

clutterbugger · 22/06/2018 16:18

Mine are same ages and I could have written your post. When they're playing together they're amazing and so close but then there's the pang of guilt when you see the way they treat each other so differently.

My ds is going through a very independent stage just now and is wanting to be the more grown up one so I think some of it is their different stages of life just now.

Plus the younger one is going to see the older one differently being the one who they look to for reassurance, the older one has gone through each stage they're going through and they'd have seen that first hand if you see what I mean, so I think to an extent it's natural.

sugarbum · 22/06/2018 16:18

Kids are different. They just are. I'm going to ignore the pink and blue stuff because that's not the point of your post.

Mine have 2.8 years between them.
DS1 detests his brother and always has. Once in a blue moon they get on, but he always spoils it. He is very selfish,and is devoid of empathy. He can be sweet and funny but he is vile to his brother. He is also 'the quiet one' and has little confidence in himself.

DS2 is very confident, very eccentric, and is the best of all of us in our household. Which doesn't mean he can't be a little monkey sometimes, but his natural form is kindness and empathy. He wants other people to be happy. He still tries to please his brother, but generally gets nowhere. Luckily he is pretty thick skinned and puts up with the rejection.

Sometimes they change. Sometimes not. DS2 is 8 now and DS1 is 11 and starts secondary soon. I'm wondering if some distance between them during the day might help. Probably not.

ForgivenessIsDivine · 22/06/2018 16:24

I have three children that I love very much. DD is in the middle and she does not love her younger brother. It breaks my heart. Sometimes she tries very hard to display loving behaviour towards her brother but it seems forced.

Tambien · 22/06/2018 16:32

sometimes DS reminds me of his dad, selfish and always thinking of himself and his own needs

So here is the point where you need to ask yourself, how much is this behaviour down to parenting and how much is down to temperament.
I dint believe that sharing and taking notice of other people is only a temperament thing. Parenting has a lot to do with it.
So my aim would be to teach your Dc1 about caring, being polite (eg its polite to say hello to everyone, to say thank to everyone etc...), hating what he has etc...

I would also teach your dd that being fair does NOT mean getting the same. And getting the same might well not be a nice thing to do.
Eg my older dc loves insects and spiders. My youngest has a deep fear of spiders. Dc1 wanting to take the same toy (a plastic spider) for his dbro would not be a kind thing to do. Because they are different people with different tastes iyswim.

Aria2015 · 22/06/2018 16:33

Sounds like me and my big brother. I worshipped the ground he walked on and he didn't give two hoots about me. If it makes you feel any better I was blind to it and kept loving on him regardless. I remember id share my sweets with him and then he'd never give me any of his and id always be running after him and he’d be running away. Still didn't diminish my affections! We’re pals now we’re adults though!

Tinkobell · 22/06/2018 16:33

Google on You Tube Harry Enfields "Harry and Lulu".... I realise that yours are a bit older but the problem you describe is universal and not your fault, it's just how it is!

liz70 · 22/06/2018 16:37

I don't know of many eldest children, boy or girl, who look fondly on their younger sibling(s). Most think they're pains in the arse ime.

purpleshimmer · 22/06/2018 16:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight · 22/06/2018 18:47

I think the people who have been ripped to shreds on here for suggesting OP may have a favourite do have a point. Especially in view of your last post, OP. Associating your son with negative characteristics of his father (are you together?) and contrasting him to both your other children is a bit worrying, tbh, or at least has the potential to develop in a damaging way. You do need to be careful there. Your ds will know there are aspects of his personality you disapprove of and approve of the contrasting aspects of his sister's. He's a child - you can't force feelings, and you shouldn't try.

whifflesqueak · 22/06/2018 18:55

Aria I was going to say the exact same thing about my big brother.

We’re all grown up now and definitely each other’s best friend.

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