Would it be cruel to stop buying my dad fags

[Sunnyday1203]

My dad is currently in hospital, he is being discharged ( I do have another thread going) but would really appreciate some opinions on this. Dad has dementia and a heavy smoker. Due to his smoking it is making almost impossible to find a home that will accommodate him smoking in the garden. The only way he can get Ciggs is if I buy them ( with his money). My DP thinks we should stop buying him and so making him a non smoker. I think this would be very distressing for Dad but equally I do know people seem to have problem with smokers. I don't know what do for the best

SoddingUnicorns

Point completely taken re the use of the word tantrum! Don’t mean to be dismissive or flippant at all!

You sound like a really wonderful carer and daughter btw xx

I hope it didn’t come across too bluntly it wasn’t meant to be an attack, more of an explanation.

Thank you, I have to say I learned how to be a carer from my now late best friend who truly was the best of the best. If I could have been half the carer she was I’d be happy. I hope I’m a good daughter, I try to be.

I hope it didn’t come across too bluntly it wasn’t meant to be an attack, more of an explanation.

Not even a little - actually I’ve found all of your explanations to be kindly expressed and very patient, so thank you. Really sad story though 😔 I hope that you are wrong and you father does not develop dementia, but he would be in the best possible hands if he did. Best of luck x

Haven’t read while thread. My granny had dementia and either she stopped smoking or she left her own house for a home. It was a safeguarding issue.
So after smoking for 60 years we stopped buying them for her and she stopped. It took a fortnight for her pink cheeks to return and she never asked for them again.
It wasn’t cruel. We thought staying in her own home for longer trumped continuing to smoke. We were right.

crispysausagerolls

It probably sounded a bit patronising because it is. To echo a PP the viewpoint that your putting across is disrespectful, infantalising, and against the human rights of people with dementia, despite the personal experience you’ve had.

I am sorry for making you feel patronised but I certainly would suggest that due to the above reasons, you need to think before you speak about this topic; remember that it’s very likely that a large amount the other people you’re speaking to on this forum have shared your experience or at least had a similar one.

I hope he doesn’t either, unfortunately the signs are definitely there and I’m trying to work up the courage to broach a trip to the doctor. He’s not long lost my Mum, so at first I put it down to grief. But it’s a year down the line now.

It would be cruel and ignorant to not stop calling them 'fags'.

Hi all, thanks for your points of views. Against the rest of my family's wishes I think it would be cruel to stop buying him ciggies. However when we do find a home I believe he will be left with 25 a week equating to 2 packs of ciggies, he is going to struggle with that. I think his SW is very anti smoking and allowing her judgement to clouded. He managed to light up on the ward this weekend, that did not go down to well. I am sorry for all to hear about your experiences with Dementia, it is a cruel thing.

What’s wrong with calling a cigarette a fag

Nothing. That's what they've been called for many many years. Which simply describes a cigarette. So many attempts to police other people's language. Very sad. And not achievable.

From my limited research it would appear that the British use of fag (cigarette) is in no way connected to the offensive use of it in the US. Fag end of cloth in factories was the original usage, something hanging loose. I presume since a cigarette hangs from your mouth that is why.

So actually, no root in the offensive use of the word, and the British one came first.

@zzzzz well said! Took me forever to work out what they meant by fanny!

'fags' everywhere around the world, not just in America, but in Australia, Canada, France, Italy, NZ etc is a derogatory term for gay people. Only in England do they use the term to describe cigarettes. Nowhere else. Everywhere else in the world recognise it as a slur. In fact, most message boards blank out/ban the use of the word.

Actually I’m Scottish, so it’s not “just England” there are 4 countries in the UK not just England. And I don’t see why we should stop using it for what we use it for because other people are bigots.

omg, did not connect fags with gay people, what a sad world we live in. Have always used that term for a cigarette.

My DSF had two periods of respite in two different nursing homes last year. Both homes had several residents who smoked, they had areas where residents could smoke. It's their home, they have the right to smoke and I say that as a non-smoker.

Only in England do they use the term to describe cigarettes. Nowhere else

Well I'm in the UK. So am using the term appropriately. If others wish to be offended over that then that is their choice. But they don't get to police other people's language for using a term that is widely used in this country to describe a cigarette, and has been for many many years.

think if we can accept they call their bums “Fannys”, then we can keep our “fags” unsullied by their homophobic nonsense

Yep. Absolutely.

Only in England do they use the term to describe cigarettes. Nowhere else

I find this statement in a comment apparently calling out ignorance (we used the word first as I said upthread) when this is pretty ignorant in itself.

Penfold I am glad to hear this. My dad's SW is still adamant that most places will not accept dad because he smokes. She is now saying because he gets agitated when he can not have a smoke this is the major problem. He is still stuck in the horrible ward grrrr. I feel powerless .

Oh and on the fag thing, I might be wrong bit is fag not short for faggot so fuck all to do with cigarettes.

Some of the attitudes to people with dementia on this thread appall me. My mum spent her last months in a (brilliant) care home with dementia. We - and the staff - did everything possible to preserve the things in her life that had always been important to her.

One thing I noticed was that just about every carer smoked and they loved the residents who did as it gave them a well deserved fag break. Think your social workers's lying to you, OP. Talk to the homes dieect, most will accommodate smokers.

Just read your last post, OP. If your dad is getting agitated when he can't have a fag, not letting him have them doesn't seem a particularly logical or sensible solution.