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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

How to push this without DH thinking I'm having an affair

92 replies

Flippetydip · 20/06/2018 16:32

This is not really an AIBU because I can't imagine most people thinking IABU to want a certain level of control over my finances, so posting for ideas really.

We have always had a joint account and DH has total control over the finances (in as much as he knows what's coming and what's going out). I earn the lion's share of our income but have no idea on a day-to-day basis about our finances. He tells me often how the state of the mortgage is (very reasonable) and finances and never comments on what I spend - although he will occasionally say "if you need to buy anything major can it wait until e.g. next Monday when the credit card starts again?"

So whilst he has control, he is not in the slightest controlling, if that makes sense. However, I feel that I would like my own account for things like getting him surprises, or just having a bit of independence. I want to broach this but we've been married (very happily) for 14 years and to suddenly lump this on him I feel like he might feel like I'm planning to bugger off or something. I mentioned it back along and he just kind of swept it under the carpet.

He is an inherently lovely man and won't, I'm sure have an issue with it, but I can't see a way forward to starting the conversation and how it would even work. Currently both our salaries get paid into our joint account. Any suggestions gratefully received.

OP posts:

Original poster

Flippetydip · 21/06/2018 12:59

Thanks all, lots to think about there. I appreciate your input.

In answer to the questions about whether I have any input into our finances, yes, I set up the last mortgage which came to an end this year after two years, we had a long discussion about whether we took out another variable mortgage or stayed with the same provider to avoid fees for what would essentially be a year only. I know what he spends - basically nothing other than on bike stuff, I have full insight to the credit cards as I have to for claiming back expenses. I'm not, as people have kindly stated, gullible. I know that MN thinks that most men are controlling and evil, our relationship doesn't work like that - and yes, I'm totally sure.

For whatever reason, I would just like a separate account and I've no idea why I feel like this. Maybe that's what I need to sort out rather than the actual accounting!

OP posts:

Loopytiles · 21/06/2018 15:32

You don’t need to “sort out” your reasoning: you want a sole account, with a bit of money in it, which is entirely reasonable. Your DH may or may not wish to do likewise.

minipie · 21/06/2018 16:51

I do think it's worth analysing why you feel like this - not so much so you have a good reason to tell DH (though if I was your DH I'd be reassured by a reason!) but because you may find this is part of a bigger or different issue? IME things that bother me but I can't state why, often turn out to be really a symptom of a different issue...

Thanks halfacup and sorry about your DH's illness, sounds tough.

Cambionome · 21/06/2018 17:20

Exactly what minipie said. You need to understand why you feel that you need a separate account, why you are struggling to put your feelings into words, and - also - why you immediately assumed that he might think you were having an affair. Not a very usual thought process.

Missingstreetlife · 21/06/2018 18:18

You don't have to justify it, it's perfectly reasonable. Even a 10 year old would want a bit of pocket money. Just pay yourself what you think is reasonable. If you don't use it you can pay a chunk of the mortgage later. It's mad not to have a few quid you are in charge of, working or not

AmazingPostVoices · 21/06/2018 18:31

I’m not really sure why with a decent man and 14 years of happy marriage this is such a difficult conversation to have?

DH and I have been married for 20 years. We’ve always had everything joint.

However recently he felt our discretionary spending was getting a little unfair (I don’t spend much) and so we discussed setting up individual accounts for each of us with an agreed amount to be transferred each month.

He can then happily spend his on his hobby and I’ll probably just squirrel mine away.

It never occurred to me that he had any ulterior motives for his suggestion. Why are you worried about this?

Ohmydayslove · 21/06/2018 18:39

I dunno. If my dh of 30 years suddenly
Wanted to set up an account for himself I would think it was odd. I wouldn’t get the buying presents bollocks either.

We have had s joint account for 33 years.

I am prepared to be told I am odd but no I would be hurt I think as if he had withdrawn a little from me.

LankinMcElf · 21/06/2018 18:45

My DH is the major earner in our relationship. When we got together he made his account (main one) joint, but I kept the one I’d always had. I use the joint account and credit card for most things but my personal account is useful for presents and surprises. Also, if I want to buy something rather indulgent!

Original poster

Flippetydip · 21/06/2018 20:00

ohmydayslove that's exactly it. I didn't want it to hurt him.

The only reason I remotely thought the "affair" thing was because an ex-boyfriend and his family have moved into the area and we have spent time with them all as a family. DH is fine with it but I'm not sure I'd have been terribly chilled out if an ex of his had turned up and then a week later he wants his own account.

I don't know why I feel I want this now, I can't rationalise it.

OP posts:

OMGtwins · 22/06/2018 18:05

Because even though you're a couple you need something that's just yours and from where you can spend without guilt or oversight. What is wrong with that? Nothing to me, so long as you don't run up a massive overdraft on your seperate account.

Is this a symptom of you not being happy with the way he is approaching finances? Does he not trust you with money? Have you checked the general spending for yourself recently? (I wouldn't go without my money monitoring app for all our accounts, and check it every few days).

I think it's a nonsense about waiting until April so that your mortgage is paid off tbh. If it's going to be paid off so early what difference will it make if it waits a few months more because you both have some guilt free spending money? What does he have against that?

OMGtwins · 22/06/2018 18:08

Is he worried you'll want to spend the same amount as he does on bike stuff, or that you'll find it he's been spending loads on it? Tbh if he's spending loads on his hobbies and you spending the same would leave you short of cash his spending needs to reduce...

missymayhemsmum · 22/06/2018 18:31

Er, if you are needing to wait until the credit card' starts again' for a major purchase, does that mean its maxed out?
Sorry, but you need to understand your family finances. You should know what the mortage balance is, any debt/ credit card balances, what your bills are and how much you have in savings. Do you have a pension?
He may be a lovely man, but for all you know there could be 5 credit cards you 'don't need to worry about'. If he's reluctant to share the facts and involve you that should ring big clanging warning bells.

picklemepopcorn · 22/06/2018 18:35

It's really important you understand the finances- if he was hit by a car or had a stroke, you'd be dropped in it big time!

Tell him you want to be responsible, can he show you around everything just in case. Maybe even get POA for each other.

Also, you need a bank account and a utilities bill in your name, because it is an important ID document- DBS checks etc.

missymayhemsmum · 22/06/2018 18:38

Sorry OP, should have RTFT. Open an account for pocket money. Put some money you know you can afford in it. Buy him a present with it. Call it your account for independent indulgences. Leave the statement around so he knows you aren't been being secretive, just a little bit independent and mysterious.

Caribbeanyesplease · 22/06/2018 18:41

I’m baffled that you think your relationship is so good, strong, so positive

And yet you’re on mumsnet asking how to broach finances with your husband of 14 years.

You can understand that some of us are a little

minipie · 22/06/2018 21:43

Because even though you're a couple you need something that's just yours and from where you can spend without guilt or oversight. What is wrong with that?

But there is no guilt or oversight. OP doesn't feel guilty (or has no reason to) about her spending from the joint account, and whilst her DH can see her spending, he doesn't criticise or restrict in it any way.

IMO the only reason to need a separate account for personal spending is if you think your OH wouldn't like what you're spending on. In which case, hiding it is not the answer. (To be clear that doesn't seem to be th OP's position).

OMGtwins · 22/06/2018 21:56

@minipie I'm v happy to be told I'm barking up the wrong tree, but the OPs the only one who can tell us all that...

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