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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

How to push this without DH thinking I'm having an affair

92 replies

Flippetydip · 20/06/2018 16:32

This is not really an AIBU because I can't imagine most people thinking IABU to want a certain level of control over my finances, so posting for ideas really.

We have always had a joint account and DH has total control over the finances (in as much as he knows what's coming and what's going out). I earn the lion's share of our income but have no idea on a day-to-day basis about our finances. He tells me often how the state of the mortgage is (very reasonable) and finances and never comments on what I spend - although he will occasionally say "if you need to buy anything major can it wait until e.g. next Monday when the credit card starts again?"

So whilst he has control, he is not in the slightest controlling, if that makes sense. However, I feel that I would like my own account for things like getting him surprises, or just having a bit of independence. I want to broach this but we've been married (very happily) for 14 years and to suddenly lump this on him I feel like he might feel like I'm planning to bugger off or something. I mentioned it back along and he just kind of swept it under the carpet.

He is an inherently lovely man and won't, I'm sure have an issue with it, but I can't see a way forward to starting the conversation and how it would even work. Currently both our salaries get paid into our joint account. Any suggestions gratefully received.

OP posts:

Ginseng1 · 20/06/2018 21:26

We've a joint account a/c everything goes in n out from it. Both working similar incomes it's just always been easier that way n we on same wavelength with saving n spending. If dh suddenly said he wanted to save x a mth into his own a/c I'd wonder a bit!

Cambionome · 20/06/2018 21:28

You sound extremely gullible, op!

Don't want to be horrible, and you are obviously pretty happy with your situation on the whole, but if you stand back and look at things objectively you do sound rather like a child in this and he sounds like the adult kindly putting you right and telling you what to do.

I've been in a similar situation, and always thought my stbxh was much better with money than I was (and he definitely thought that!) but eventually realised that actually he wasn't that great and we ended up in quite serious financial trouble.

I will always be on top of finances from now on; it's a basic part of being an adult and I will never put myself in that situation again. It's never good to be ignorant or passive in a relationship.

derxa · 20/06/2018 21:44

FGS just get access to online banking.

ilovegin112 · 20/06/2018 21:51

Op has access to online banking, she just doesn’t use it

dadshere · 20/06/2018 21:59

We are in a very similar situation OP, I have no money, "we have money". I also feel like I have to tell my dh when I am going to buy anything so he can tell me which credit card to use, or if he has a discount code etc. He never seems to spend anything other than essentials and he has an almost photographic memory when it comes to finances, he can literally tell me exactly (to the penny) what we have in which account, and when each credit card will be taken out, etc.

Cambionome · 21/06/2018 06:56

I'm just going to say this again, because I think it's so important.

People share jobs and roles in a relationship. That's fine. It's normal that one person is better than another at different things and takes responsibility for that part of their joint lives. BUT - this is not a good idea when it comes to finances; not if one person is taking sole responsibility. Step up. Be an adult. If you want a separate account, then get one and manage it yourself.

justpoppngby · 21/06/2018 07:32

What about suggesting you both get something like a cashplus prepaid 'pocket money' card, so you could put a bit on each one every month to use for surprises or treats. ?

Aria2015 · 21/06/2018 07:44

If you have a joint account and access then can't you set up your own account and then just transfer money across each month? If he doesn't mention about what you spend then surely this wouldn't be an issue? I have my own account and transfer a small bit across each mkneth, its mainly saving for being broke in January but I also use if for gifts for dh.

Original poster

Flippetydip · 21/06/2018 07:46

Yes Aria that is what I will do as of April. I wouldn't start transferring money out of the account without discussing it though, that would be ridiculous.

OP posts:

JamieVardysHavingAParty · 21/06/2018 07:58

Say what?

How would it delay paying off the mortgage? You already spend money every month from the joint account on this-and-that. You're not proposing spending extra each month, you're proposing that some of the money should go into your account before you spend it.

Go and look at the last three months' statements, and tot up the transactions you recognise that you would prefer to come out of your own account in future. Then use those figures to allocate yourself a monthly amount of personal spending money.

SittHakim · 21/06/2018 08:00

There's an easy practical way round this, surely - open the new account, have your salary paid into it, and then transfer the bulk of it from the new account to the joint one by standing order every month. The balance is yours to spend, and you're not transferring money out of the account. I don't see why it needs to affect paying off the mortgage unless you're actually planning to increase your spending (which isn't the impression I get from your posts).

Amummyatlast · 21/06/2018 08:03

We actually had this situation. DH and I have joint account, with separate isas (but we both know what's in them). I'm the higher earner as he took time out to be a SAHD (now freelancer), but he's the one who deals with the day-to-day finances. Neither of us care about getting surprises for each other, but I suddenly decided that I wanted to put some of my freelance earnings into a separate account. And he did view it with some suspicion, until I explained it was a 'if I die I want some special money for DD from me' type account. Which he was fine with.

I would just decide what you want to do and tell him why.

slowrun · 21/06/2018 08:06

As a starting point you could say you want an ISA. They are in your own name.

slowrun · 21/06/2018 08:06

Get a few shares. Then an account to manage them.

postcardsfrom · 21/06/2018 08:07

We have our own accts and a joint one. We keep the same amount of disposable income a month for ourselves and transfer an agreed amount each to the joint acct - Dp puts in way more than me as earns more. We use the joint acct for all Nike, mortgage, kids stuff etc but still have our ‘own’ money in a separate account for discretionary spending. Works for us...

postcardsfrom · 21/06/2018 08:10

In your case I would suggest that you both have your wages into your own accounts and then transfer an agreed amount into the joint acct. I don’t think it’s sensibkento have just one acctbfor everything and to have one person mainly in control of it either actually.

TwoGinScentedTears · 21/06/2018 08:10

My employer will split wages across accounts, so 80% into one account for example and 20% in another.

You could just set that up and say its because you want an account to buy surprises from?

Butterymuffin · 21/06/2018 08:11

Why not actually get more involved and clued up about your joint account and finances, before you then open a separate account? No reason not to have your own, but you still seem not to want to know how the current set up works which I find odd.

extinctspecies · 21/06/2018 08:36

We have 3 accounts.

A joint account for all household expenditure, which we each pay a set amount in to each month proportionate to our salaries.

Personal account each for personal expenditure.

Really important to have independence. And I'd ensure you were involved in big decisions about mortgages etc too. Who decides what rate you are on? Are you paying into a pension? ISA?

4littlebirds · 21/06/2018 08:41

maybe I am a bit jaded and untrusting, but I would start by logging into your joint bank account to see what’s going on. I think you have given up to much control to your partner and you need to start taking an active roll into your day to day finances. Have you any idea what he’s spending.

Other than that I don’t see the point of suddenly opening up a another bank account to buy surprises. Why has it suddenly become an issue after 15 years, surely you could just withdraw a lump sum to buy stuff with and the likes of amazon etc.. don’t state what the purchase is for.

halfacup · 21/06/2018 08:56

Just coming from a different direction and a warning to everyone. My husband has a illness which meant he lost capacity. In this situation if you have a joint account the banks can freeze them and only allow the direct debits to go through until you go to the court of protection and that takes many months (10 months). I luckily had my wages paid into my own account and had no difficulty assessing money and paying bills . Even if you have joint accounts it is a really good idea for both of you to have a least a individual saving account and for you to have full online access to your joint account. Also a good idea for everyone to sort out a power of attorney!

mydogisthebest · 21/06/2018 09:38

Me and DH have had a joint account since we married (almost 40 years). We have no other accounts but I have a credit card. It has always worked for us.

If either of us want to buy a present for the other without them knowing we can draw the cash out and use that. I can also use my credit card.

I don't see anything wrong in just having one joint account - many couples do. I could not be bothered with the faffing about of having separate accounts. Also I no longer work so bring no money in so pointless having my own account.

We both have total access to our account but I am the one that sorts out all the direct debits, pays bills etc. DH isn't as organised as I am and he is quite happy for me to be in charge. Most of the time he doesn't have much of a clue how much is in the bank but if he wants money for anything he usually asks me how much is in there even though he can check for himself.

DH knows roughly what direct debits/standing orders we have but doesn't really know how much they are for. In fact not long ago he wanted to draw a large sum of money from the bank and they wouldn't give it to him because he couldn't answer the security questions about payments that go out!

I think often with joint accounts one person is more in control of it than the other. I know with my sister and brother in law he mainly deals with it and my sister also doesn't know what standing orders they have or how much they are for

minipie · 21/06/2018 10:49

Thanks halfacup good point. If you'd had a POA would that have been enough to allow you to use the joint account or would you still have needed a separate account?

halfacup · 21/06/2018 11:36

Minipie a POA would have been fine but it does take time to register it with the banks as they have to see a copy.

OracleofDelphi · 21/06/2018 11:43

Cant you suggest to him that you BOTH set one up? So for example, if you earn enough to cover everything, cant you suggest that what is eft over is split into both your independent accounts? That way he is more independent too and you can both buy each other presents / surprised etc? Wouldnt having one each be the easiest solution?

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