How to push this without DH thinking I'm having an affair

[Flippetydip]

This is not really an AIBU because I can't imagine most people thinking IABU to want a certain level of control over my finances, so posting for ideas really.

We have always had a joint account and DH has total control over the finances (in as much as he knows what's coming and what's going out). I earn the lion's share of our income but have no idea on a day-to-day basis about our finances. He tells me often how the state of the mortgage is (very reasonable) and finances and never comments on what I spend - although he will occasionally say "if you need to buy anything major can it wait until e.g. next Monday when the credit card starts again?"

So whilst he has control, he is not in the slightest controlling, if that makes sense. However, I feel that I would like my own account for things like getting him surprises, or just having a bit of independence. I want to broach this but we've been married (very happily) for 14 years and to suddenly lump this on him I feel like he might feel like I'm planning to bugger off or something. I mentioned it back along and he just kind of swept it under the carpet.

He is an inherently lovely man and won't, I'm sure have an issue with it, but I can't see a way forward to starting the conversation and how it would even work. Currently both our salaries get paid into our joint account. Any suggestions gratefully received.

@Flippetydip do you work?

Why do people not read the actual post? 🙄😐

Start selling some things on eBay and tell him you want a separate bank account for that so it's easy to see what comes in and out.

Then each time you take some cash out of the joint account, take slightly more than you need and pay some in to your personal account.

We have a set-up that is very similar to yours in that DW is the higher earner (because I've been part-time since having the DC) but I'm generally 'in control' of the finances. We do though have two accounts - a current account that is for our disposable income and a 'billing' account that has a standing order paid into it to cover all bills.

If DW asked to set up a separate account with a monthly standing order and explained it as a need to be able to make 'surprise' purchases sometimes and we had no problem covering the standing order every month I'd have no issue whatsoever. If you explain it as straightforwardly as that I'd be really surprised if he jumped to the conclusion that you were having an affair!

We do it this way. Salaries go into joint account, bills, household expenses and savings come out and then what's left is split in half and sent to personal accounts. Works so far and then this way if one of us works less / not at all due to childcare commitments they still get an equal amount. Kinda like the family is a business.

We do it the other way about - salaries into our own accounts. We both keep the same amount of private spending money (do I don’t complain when he gets a new bit for his bike and he doesn’t moan when I get new Swetty Betty stuff). Everything else goes to joint account to pay mortgage, sav8ngs, direct debits etc.

We then actually have another joint account which comes from first which filters weekly spending money for food shop, kids activities, going out etc. (it helps at the end of the month not to have spent everything by week three!). We both have access to both joint accounts but not each other’s.

DH earns x5 what I do and everything is shared.

We have a joint account and DH earns the lion's share. We have no other accounts.

We do however have our own credit cards which are paid offfrom the joint account. So if I want to buy a surprise gift I can put it on the card and he willjust see the total credit card bill on the joint account statement, he won't seethe individual items. Can't you do that?

Just have another account, or credit card and pay off from joint account. Or each transfer a set amount into your own accounts. You will see itemised statement. He will just know you spent £x total.
I think everyone over about 7 should have a little private spending money for indulgences, saving or gifts.
We have own accounts and each pay into joint. Some left in our own account for handbags and chocolate (me) or beer and music (him). We used to have minimum in joint and keep most things separate. over years now put more in joint to cover most things. Easier than having to transfer small amounts, or keep track of who bought what, holiday spending etc. Can't imagine not being able to buy a coffee or magazine, treat a friend without permission, but also as trust has grown we buy clothes and lots of personal things jointly, swings and roundabouts.

This may depend on how old you are, but how about approaching it from the angle of "I've come to realise how clueless I am about our finances, and if there's ever a time when you're not around I need to have a grasp of what's going on".

If you haven't already, as a Joint Account holder you should be able to arrange for your own personal online banking access which would allow you to at least log in to your current account and see what the comings and goings are. I have a joint account with my DP and each have our own logins. The joint account is the only one I can see when I log in, but he has other personal and business accounts with the same bank which he can see on his.

People have secret paypal accounts...

We have a joint account and each pay most of our salary into it for bills, children, family days out, things jointly enjoyed, or even if I take my toddler to soft play and buy lunch - just normal day to day living.

Then our own accounts (remaining £xxx each month) is ours as we see fit. If the joint account has taken a hammering (especially at Christmas) we might equally put in extra to top it up. If I want personal stuff like expensive makeup or a night out by myself with friends or stuff related to my hobbies that is just for me it comes out my account (or gifts for DH!). He has the same with his. Sometimes I put some in my own savings account and buy a family treat from that, he does the same.

It seems to be the best of both worlds. We earn fairly equal amounts.

It would help you to know what your typical monthly household outgoings are, that would give you an idea of how much money was "spare" monthly.

What happens to that money, does it go into a joint savings account?
If so, that could be your starting point, to open your own savings account with some of that money.

At the moment you are contributing the larger share of the household money, yet it sounds as though you have little input into financial decisions, so perhaps think about whether that's a good thing for you?

Have a main joint account where all money goes into. Either wait until the end of the month and anything left over you split evenly, that can be put into each of your own personal savings account. Or work out how much you could realistically save and split it between you and transfer it on payday to your savings account. Me and my partner do the first option and it works perfectly. All money is family money, but if we have anything leftover at the end of month we split it and put in our savings.

We then use our savings for things like presents etc, but also if there are any big purchases like holidays or kids stuff that we can't afford out of joint account, we each take some money out of our savings and put back into joint account.

Why on earth does he have "total control" of the finances when you earn the lion's share of the money?

Surely you can see that this isn't a very good idea?

Just tell him works new policy is that you have a personal account for your wages. Then change your bank details with work and don't transfer the whole amount over.

Ha ha ha

I do contribute the larger share of the household money but also we share the decision making process on spending it. DH is slightly obsessed with paying off the mortgage as he feels that it is pointless saving as interest rates would point to the conclusion that it's better financial sense to pay off the mortgage than to save, which I get. And he is very good at managing our finances, way better than I would be. To the extent that our mortgage (in joint names just to be clear) should be paid off by next April, which means that I can drop a day a week at work. We are in an incredibly fortunate situation financially, don't get me wrong.

So it's not that I'm unhappy financially at all, or that I feel controlled or anything like that but just that I would like a little independence. Anyway, we had a brief conversation this evening and he asked if I would wait until April, once the mortgage is gone, and then he's very happy for it to happen - which makes sense.

I suppose my only concern with it was that it would come across as very "secret squirrel" if I kept pushing it. I will however, do what a PP mentioned and open an account for my ebay sales and then it's all ready and waiting for April 2019!

Come on, op. It's not the 1950s. If you want your own account, open one.

No matter how nice your dh is at the moment it really isn't very healthy to have so little autonomy as regards something as important as your finances (and I speak as someone who was in this exact situation myself - and it didn't turn out very well for me!)

I don't think he has total control. It's all in a joint account, and you can spend from it freely right? Just sounds like he has more knowledge, not more control.

Is this about wanting to able to spend without him knowing - for presents etc? In which case a credit card where he doesn't see the breakdown would do the job surely.

Or is it about wanting to spend on things he wouldn't agree with? In which case I think you should have a chat about this and come to an agreement re "personal spends" each rather than doing it via a separate account...

Just say to him, I would like access to the online banking please so I can make payments please. Can I have all the log in details please. If he asks why just say if I need to look to see what we are spending, or If i need to pay someone by bacs.

It's your money too and you have every right of access.

So you had your chat with DH about having a bit of financial independence, and he told you he didn't want you to do that until he decided you could, and he thought you should wait a year.

Sorry do you not have access to the statements (paper or online)? Or do you both have access but it's DH who bothers to look at what's going in and out? The former is a problem, the latter is easily rectified by just looking at the statements yourself

I don't think he has total control. It's all in a joint account, and you can spend from it freely right? Just sounds like he has more knowledge, not more control

This is exactly the situation. He never comments or moans about what I spend to be fair.

Or do you both have access but it's DH who bothers to look at what's going in and out? Yes, this is exactly it, so I have access should I so desire but I would like my own account for my own spending. Which putting it like that sounds a bit childish.

ada No, he didn't say he thought I should wait a year, he said that if we were paying money into a separate account for me, it would extend the amount of time to pay of our joint mortgage so could it wait 10 months, which of course it can. And in some ways I am completely financially independent. I have a great salary, which if push came to shove ever, which I can't imagine it will be reading MN too much will do this to you, I would ask my company to pay into an account of my choosing and I also have access to all our online accounts.

I have to admit I can't really see why you want this OP...? What's the benefit? Why wouldn't a separate credit card do just as well?

As I say DH and I have a joint account into which all our earnings go (he earns way more). If he suddenly said he wanted his own account, I have to say I would be worried. I wouldn't think affair necessarily, but I just wouldn't understand what it was for, and so would worry it was part of an overall move towards cutting ties from me iyswim.

Not always best to pay off mortgage, you can't borrow cheaper, and may get better interest elsewhere. Interest only is cheaper and you can pay off with savings or equity release later.
I don't understand why you have to wait, presumably you will pay for personal items from your own account which currently come from joint?
You sound a bit gullible to be honest.

I am in a very very similar situation, currently being the higher earner than my DH (though somewhat marginally as he is also a high earner). He handles all the finances single-handedly as yours does, on our joint accounts. I am similarly (and happily!) disengaged from the day to day of this however I do have full access should I want to.

I personally don’t find any need to have a separate account for gift or personal use and neither one of us has ever felt this way since the day we married. He might see that something has gone out from Amazon or John Lewis or wherever, but he still has a surprise when he opens it.

I wouldn’t say we would be suspicious, but I know either of us would be upset with the other if us suddenly after many years of happily co-mingling assets wanted a separate account, as our money has always been ‘our money’ for our entire marriage. If you pursue this you need to be very clear on what it is that you’re hoping to achieve by doing it, and able to convey it in a really clear fashion, otherwise it’s really open to a lot of interpretation !