To be upset about this?

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So basically I sent a message to a friend about a dispute I was having with someone else, I kept it short and just asked her in the end who was BU? It was just a small thing and I wanted a third opinion. I sent this message Sunday, she didn't reply but read the message.

Then yesterday Tuesday, I sent a message saying it's ok if you don't want to get involved, just let me know. Expecting she would say something if that was the problem. No reply, but she read it.

Today is Wednesday, and I'm like WTF? I've given her every benefit of doubt, what can I do?

I want to add, before I sent the message about the dispute, we were chatting normally, but as soon as I sent that message, she just started ignoring me.

What do you think ?

She wants to stay out of it.

Does she know the other person?

What was the dispute and does she know the other person?

I think you have an answer. She doesn't want to reply. If I were you, I'd let it go and not mention it again. You can always come here if you want to know whether you're being unreasonable!

Yes she knows the other person

Sounds like she wants to stay out of it, or she thinks you're wrong and doesn't want to tell you.

She's probably busy with homework.

Why put her in the middle?

I think YABU, a bit. I wouldn't want to be put on the spot with a question like that, I would much rather stay out of it entirely. Maybe she does think you are being unreasonable and doesn't want to tell you in case it upsets you, or maybe she thinks the other person is but doesn't want to say since she's only heard your perspective and doesn't want it getting back to the other person? She is maybe just ignoring it in the hope that you will drop it.

I would send a message saying sorry for putting her on the spot and that you realise it wasn't fair, and then try going back to chatting normally. And put your AIBU on here if you want a view!

Why do you want to know if she approves or not. Why do you care. If she does think you're being unreasonable will that change your train of thought on the matter
I don't know why you're trying to bring her into it. You're being massively unfair to her to be honest

It was just a some disagreement I had with my DH, that's it. They're not friends that way,

What can you do? Nothing! If your friend wanted to reply to your text, she would have done. Maybe she feels you’ve put her on the spot by basically asking her to get involved in a situation she’s not part of.

Yes she knows the other person

Then that’s not fair, especially getting in the middle of you and your DH. Dragging friends into domestic arguments isn’t on.

Ooh awkward. She should have replied to the second msg to let you know she doesn’t want to get involved, to just ignore is not nice.

It’s hard to judge if you were BU to ask without knowing the ins and outs of your relationships with her and the other party and their relationship to each other. Could she have been asked for support from the mutual friend live disagreed with? Is she the kind to take offensive/be difficult?

I don’t think you can keep hounding her on it though, I would just leave it now and hope things go back to normal.

Oh ex post - how is she related to your DH? Unless it’s his sister I’m not sure why she’d feel torn?!

Why are you wanting to tell the world and his wife about an argument with your DH

Yeah I'm just gonna leave it. I thought maybe if she thought he was being unreasonable, she wouldn't wanna tell me in case I tell him and she would feel awkward being around him again. 🤷‍♀️

YABU. It’s been three days. People don’t owe you their immediate attention just because you’ve sent them a text. Even if it was a best friend and a message about a crisis it’d be pretty self absorbed to think that other people don’t have their own lives going on too and don’t always have the time or energy to jump to respond.

I disagree that’s it’s shit to put her in the middle though if she is more your friend than his, my friends and I wouldn’t think twice about messaging one another about our respective partners if they’d pissed us off and we needed an ear to vent or to find out whether a third party thought we were overreacting or not.

If the friend is a mutual friend of you and DH though then yes, it’s inappropriate of you to try and put her in the middle.

YABU to get annoyed that someone hasn’t replied to you in a few days. I would hate that kind of pressure/expectation/lack of understanding from a ‘friend’ around contact.

Take the hint.

She doesn't want to get involved. Lets face it, you're probably not going to divorce your DH on the back of it, so she may not want to feel uncomfortable when it's all blown over and everything is hunky dory again

Well there is that.

Though I’d hope that between good friends there’d be an understanding that if you approach someone for advice or support on a relationship issue, the advice giver’s advice wouldn’t be then immediately fed back to the partner in question. As like you say, that’s just unfair as you’d have broken their trust and made things so awkward to be around each other in the future.

I don't blame her for not getting involved, but I just feel like if that's what she feels, then at least reply to the second message and say you don't want to get involved?

Maybe she’s pissed off with you OP? I would be in her shoes.

Perhaps she is nervous of your response?

I mean, you’ve posted on here to ask if she’s being unreasonable (to not reply to you asking if she thinks your husband is being unreasonable!) instead of just letting it go and understanding that people are busy and have lives. Maybe she can sense that you’re not the sort to be able to take a soft ‘no’?

You asked your friend to weigh in on a marital argument?! That’s a very odd thing to do so I’m not surprised she hasn’t responded. It would have been nice if she responded to your second message saying she didn’t want to get involved but she probably feels really awkward and she may be really annoyed you’ve tried to put her in that position. I’d just leave it and hope things can go back to normal after some time has passed. And don’t ask your friends to settle your marital arguments ever again.

Is there quite a lot of drama in your relationship/friendships/life?

The ‘it’s fine not to reply if it’s cos you don’t wanna get involved but let me know’ message would piss me off, it’s so pushy and entitled. Like, clearly it’s not fine to not reply or you’d not have double messaged her. And the ‘just let me know’ is so pushy. As if you’re trying to make her reply even though she obviously didn’t want to in the first place!

If someone sent me that I certainly wouldn’t be replying, I’m not beholden to you and don’t exist to make you feel better