That I am BU and need to stop being a busy body! Or am I the nightmare SIL?

[Lemonsmakelemonade]

Basically I've been through an unsettling, but not totally awful, 12 months. I left a job because I realised it wasn't for me (having never 'quit' anything before in my adult life) and then plunged my family into a bit of a financial tailspin. However DH who had been a stay at home dad, went out and got a challenging well paid job back in his field of expertise. I have gone self employed and it's going really well. My youngest DC started school full time. Unfortunately DH's DD has been given months to live after being diagnosed with bowel cancer. It's all very upsetting. Anyway I'm digressing a bit, but at the weekend we were at DH's parents and my SIL (DH's sister was there). I have now been told through my MIL that she finds me really patronising and condescending. I'm not quite the nightmare sister in law but maybe that's how she sees me. I'm now feeling really awful, because I offered to trim her DD's (my niece) daughter's fringe and also because yesterday I sent her a message saying we needed to make sure MIL (her mum) looked after herself while all this stuff is going on. I now feel I've put my oar in and been a right old busybody. My own DM and my sister tell me that because I'm quite a high flyer and live my life a bit 100 miles an hour I might annoy my SIL. Now really I'm working out how basically not to be myself around her and step back as she and my DH are obviously having to deal with other stuff. It;s not as if I haven't got my own life and my two DCs to be looking after. I have just wanted to help. I know (but from my MIL) that SIL has had a lot of money worries but obviously I can't say that to her. I offered to trim the fringe because niece is 16 months old and not quite yet walking, and her fringe was falling in her eyes - I had fringe scissors and was about to do my own DD's hair. Anyway how do I stand back and let everyone get on with things?

What does 'making sure DMIL looks after herself' mean?
As the DD I would take that to mean I wasn't doing enough. As the eldest DD in my family lots of comments were made about elderly rellies along that line, another one would be He/She (elderly person) needs to see a doctor/ needs more support at home etc etc etc, translated this means You need to arrange whatever the other person deems necessary for the elderly persons well being.I learned to blank them out eventually.
Are you going to nag DMIL to see the doctor or whatever at this time when she is worrying about DFIL, It's hard to see how you can do much when she is under unavoidable stress. So not a good comment imv.
I suggested I would trim DGD's hair at about that age - the look of scorn from her DM left me in no doubt that no way was a random scissor waver going to get near her DD's beautiful curls. So again a bit tactless.
I think the answer is not to offer advice or suggestions. Let DH and SIL call the shots, then once decisions are made eg visiting times for DFIL, be willing and available to do the ferrying to and fro. Or babysit wee ones or whatever.

Great uncles and grandfathers are not the same as fathers

You do sound like one of those people who need to ‘win’ every conversation and are experts in everything they’ve ever had the smallest encounter with. The thing is, real experts are giving you real insight, both about how their grief has affected them and about how you are coming across, but you don’t want to hear it. There is a gulf between your view of yourself as a caring empathetic person who listens to people and learns from experiences, and how you’re actually behaving. This is a real opportunity to address it.

I am sure you meant to be helpful but the 2 examples you gave -offering to cut someone else’s child’s hair , and the advice to look after mil were completely out of order.

I have personal experience of someone in your position massively overstepping boundaries over terminal cancer of MY family member

NickNacky I have - in quite horrible circumstances in my formative years (ones which made the papers and required a few years of therapy) which is why I have a 'try and fix it' mentality. Although the therapy is helping me - which is why I recognise it.

I’m sorry to hear that. In that case you are well places to know to step back to a certain degree. Be there for the practical when asked, support your h when he needs it and leave sil to deal with her own grief.

When all’s said and done, it’s their families bereavement. You are an extension to that family but their dynamic is going to change forever and you need to respect that means you DONT have all the solutions.

If someone told me to up my game in caring for my Mum while my Dad was saying, as if I hadn't considered this to be important under my own steam, I wouldn't be putting it down to you being a 'high-flyer', op.

I think you need to place yourself in the background of things, not conducting from the centre.

Saying = dying

NickNacky 'not having to have all the solutions', That is a bit me, you can see people are hurting and need help But really the best help is just being there. I had meant to just be there for them and largely kept my nose out - until this weekend just gone. I feel very annoyed with myself because just want to help and be there.

OP who did you text and to say what exactly? If you texted SIL she will know that MIL told you what she said and that could stir up trouble, if MIL was told in confidence What did you text.... hi your mum says I'm an interfering and overbearing so and so? If you texted MIL sorry SIL finds me OTT that is stirring it up too. Texts never resolved anything in my opinion.
Step back, ask directly and separately when you see them if either need you for anything and say you are always there for them (if you are)
If you've seen more of FIL than SIL has she may be feeling a bit resentful/ guilty as time is running out and if she is it may or may not be justified. You are not blood and are an outsider, Give them space to come to terms with what is happening and for their relationship to flow between them.

If I was your SIL I would already be feeling sensitive about the fact that your ILs see so much more of you and DH. If I received a message from you saying "we need to make sure MIL looks after herself" it would come across as 1) criticism of me for not being around more and 2) confirmation that my mum is closer to you than to me, her own daughter. Both rather hurtful. And the hair thing, you'd basically suggested you should give DN her first haircut...

I think you need to remind yourself over and over again that being right is not the most important thing, . I have a tendency to want to give advice/information when I can but I have to remember it often isn't wanted - even if it would in fact be be helpful.

God you sound like my Sil a self righteous bitch who thinks she knows best because she’s a pain in the arse.

Op, I get it. I'm a problem solver too, it's also part of my job so when the chips are down I like to DO something, anything that will help.

You have made the wrong judgement call, you know that now and you know what to do for the future. Just remember, if you weren't around then they would still have to deal with this in their own way.

When people have a problem or a worry what they want is to be able to voice it without judgement. Not to discuss it with someone, and definitely not advice or how to solve it, at the most a bit of empathy might be welcome.
it took me a loooong time to learn that

*Just step back and don’t assume you know what needs to happen.

Wouldn’t it be better to offer help rather than saying you needed to make sure mil looked after herself? It does make you sound like you think you’re in charge, because let’s face it, it will have occurred to sil that her mum might need to look after herself while her husband is dying.
Pp is right about “ we” , again makes you sound like you are giving orders, not offering something.*

Totally agree. Emotions will be running high anyway, so what would have rankled normally will really piss people off now. I lost my dad 7 weeks ago to a short illness and i'll never forget some of the batshit stuff people said to me.

Once we'd been told he had weeks to live, SIL told me I should take some time off work and go and be with my dad. Er, yeah, funnily enough that had occurred to me.

My brother's SIL told him to make sure Dad went to all his appointments. Why the bloody hell wouldn't he?!

People mean well, but some can't see the difference between supporting others and telling them what to do. Do you recognize that in yourself a little bit maybe?

You have basically said she’s not doing enough and have assumed the ‘right’ of more important daughter by telling SIL how to care for her own mum. You might be right but you’re implying criticism of her relationship with her mum and taking a moral high ground which is bound to get her back up.

The fringe is more minor but it’s another example of implied criticism - obviously it may not be what you meant to do (my dd’s hair goes in her eyes if he doesn’t have a clip in but I don’t want to cut her a fringe and I don’t like being told I should) but she has clearly felt criticism from you. Just take your proper role - support your MIL however you like in your own way but respect your SIL as her daughter and don’t imply she’s not good enough.

I should be v careful of thinking you are closer to mil than her own daughter. You could come badly unstuck there. Blood will be thicker when chips are down

It sounds like you really just want to be helpful. I think probably best just to quietly get on with supporting your dh and dmil without sending the high-handed texts.