That I am BU and need to stop being a busy body! Or am I the nightmare SIL?

[Lemonsmakelemonade]

Basically I've been through an unsettling, but not totally awful, 12 months. I left a job because I realised it wasn't for me (having never 'quit' anything before in my adult life) and then plunged my family into a bit of a financial tailspin. However DH who had been a stay at home dad, went out and got a challenging well paid job back in his field of expertise. I have gone self employed and it's going really well. My youngest DC started school full time. Unfortunately DH's DD has been given months to live after being diagnosed with bowel cancer. It's all very upsetting. Anyway I'm digressing a bit, but at the weekend we were at DH's parents and my SIL (DH's sister was there). I have now been told through my MIL that she finds me really patronising and condescending. I'm not quite the nightmare sister in law but maybe that's how she sees me. I'm now feeling really awful, because I offered to trim her DD's (my niece) daughter's fringe and also because yesterday I sent her a message saying we needed to make sure MIL (her mum) looked after herself while all this stuff is going on. I now feel I've put my oar in and been a right old busybody. My own DM and my sister tell me that because I'm quite a high flyer and live my life a bit 100 miles an hour I might annoy my SIL. Now really I'm working out how basically not to be myself around her and step back as she and my DH are obviously having to deal with other stuff. It;s not as if I haven't got my own life and my two DCs to be looking after. I have just wanted to help. I know (but from my MIL) that SIL has had a lot of money worries but obviously I can't say that to her. I offered to trim the fringe because niece is 16 months old and not quite yet walking, and her fringe was falling in her eyes - I had fringe scissors and was about to do my own DD's hair. Anyway how do I stand back and let everyone get on with things?

If someone wrote me a note telling me not to forget to look after my mother I'd be cross. You clearly mean well but maybe a little more tact?

She has taken the offer of help re the fringe as a criticism of her parenting. She has taken the message re MIL as a criticism of her as a daughter. I think if I was living further away from my mum to be able to help as much as my sil I would take this as a dig!

You do sound a bit interfering and overbearing I'm afraid, however well intentioned. You naturally assume a position as 'leader of the team', to which no-one has appointed you.

It must be difficult, especially as you see MIL more but, especially in times of family crisis, the relatives need to take the lead. By all means talk things through with your DH, so he knows what help you can offer - if asked - but let him take the lead in discussing things with his sister and mother.

I sent her a message saying we needed to make sure MIL (her mum) looked after herself while all this stuff is going on

I would want to tell you to fuck right off it you sent me that. You have no idea what the reality is of her relationship with her MIL is and why she doesn't call her very often.

You sound very much like you are being annoying and overstepping boundaries all over the place.

BTW "high flyer" I have found is often a term used by people who overstep others boundaries and don't show respect for others. And to be honest are almost always being "high flyers" due to their own unresolved crap which they end up projecting left right and centre.

Big step back is my vote.

If she hadn’t seen her mother for a year then yes, the message was too much, and seems like you’re criticising her

Horrible though it is to say, your posts do sound a bit pleased with yourself. It's obvious you're actually a decent person but you're pointing out that you're closer to your MiL than her own daughter is, your niece needed her fringe cutting as she's about to walk, youput a fuck down on the family finances but it's all fine.

You need to remember that you may speak/see your MIL more but your SIL grew up with her. She has known her her whole life, she's her mother. It was really tactless to assume that you needed to chivvy along your SIL to look after her.

Like I said, you sound a good person. But you need to back off a bit.

I agree that using ‘we’ is overstepping the mark. It implies that you have the same amount of responsibility for, and emotional connection to, your MIL as her own daughter does. If your relationship already has friction or sensitivity that would be very annoying.

I have been married over 30 years. I am fond of my MIL and I do my best to support my DH and his siblings with her care now she is getting mentally and physically frail but I never forget that I am ‘just’ an in law, my connection to and love for her is not in the same league as theirs. I am very careful not to offer an opinion or advice unless I am asked.

OP, I have a SIL just like you. Back right off! You are meddling and over presumptuous. Wait to be asked!

Your last comment about how closer you are to mil really Jarred. However close you think you are, you are not her biological DD who lived with her throughout childhood. You don’t know what the family dynamics nor nuances are or why contact between them is sparse.
Like they say, the relationship you have with your parents as adults is a reflection of the relationship they had with you as a child.

Stop all this bleating about closeness Etc and just offer support, when and if it is needed.

see, i have quite a strained relationship with my mother, we aren't close. If my brother's (at the moment fictional) wife who was closer messaged me to say we needed to look after her.....I'd be annoyed. But i'd be annoyed because I know the reasons why things are difficult between us and why i have somewhat distanced myself from her. so, i KNOW she'd need more help, but I'd also be reluctant to give it. and that would make me feel bad, and its easier to take those feelings out on someone else than face up to them, isn't it?
What i'm saying is, the reason she finds you annoying could be more about her and her relationship with her mum that is about you. So, i would continue to do what YOU can to support your MIL and let her do (or not do) things in her own way. You don't know the intricacies of their relationship. Mothers and daughters can often be complicated and she might just not want to get into that conversation.

I just read your post saying you ‘are close to MIL’ than her daughter. I doubt that is true. You may see more of her, you may do more for her, you might even get on better with her but you aren’t closer. Even a dysfunctional mother/daughter bond is powerful and will contain more emotional energy than any bond formed in later life.

I would be well annoyed if my sil sent me a message about looking out for my own parents. That part is none of your business

I adore my SIL (brother’s wife), but if she sent me a message reminding me that we all needed to look after my mum, I would think she had lost her mind.

Yes - as a PP said re saying you are closer to her mother. You really really aren't closer to her mother than she is. You may have more communication and possibly a less complex relationship, but she is a daughter and it is rather blithe statements like that which will put her back up (I know you didn't say that to her, but the fact that you think it shows that tact isn't your strongest skill).

I don't know what area you worked in, but I would guess perhaps you were a problem solver, - you see a problem, you look at the available man/womanpower and you delegate. It's all very efficient - get the job done and you can oversee it all. But you aren't dealing with staff, you are in a very emotional situation and feelings will often take precedence over practicality.

Juts give your SIL a little space, offer help generally, but don't specifically pick out what you think needs doing. Let them set their own priorities and you be the delegatee rather than the delegator in these circumstances.

I'm closer to my MIL than SIL is

No, you really won't be.

It's quite difficult to talk to my SIL, having a conversation with her is quite tough. She's very 'prickly'. For example I once said 'oh combination feeding all the way for us,' when both our DCs (my youngest/her eldest) were babies. She later told her mum, my MIL that I was telling her how to feed her child. I had said no such thing, in fact I was reply to a question when she asked me do you breastfeed 100%, I didn't tell her what to do. I never would. It has to be said though, she is quite good at telling me what to do. I couldn't imagine her being worried about some of the comments she has made to me 'oh you do dress XXX (oldest DC) in some weird clothes' and 'shouldn't you sort your hair out, it's really frizzy' (I had spent about three hours trying to curl my dead straight hair when my oldest DC was a newborn). I've only remembered these things while writing this post, so maybe none of us are perfect!

Send her a card saying great to see you at the weekend, I think I was a bit pushy about the fringe. Such hard times, take care of yourself and let me know if you want a chat or if I can do anything.
Lots love x Lemonsmakelemonade

Just reread and seen that she's really not very in touch with her Mum is she? Don't mention it, just do what you can do for your DH and MIL. But also look after yourself, you're self aware but sound a bit mentally wrung out.

oo, just crossposted with your latest. She's a prickly mare isn't she! Maybe don't send the card but keep your head down and concentrate on you, DH and your pils.

Etino got a big project workwise and yes I am, I think I've tried to help with MIL/FIL as a way of trying to help in a situation where I felt I could help. I'm closer to my MIL because MIL is closer to DH than her daughter and I think my relationship with my MIL reflects that. DH goes to see them a lot and do stuff around the house. My SIL's DH is a real high flyer and he's got his own company so to be fair they are very busy, he works away a lot.

I'm closer to my MIL because MIL is closer to DH than her daughter and I think my relationship with my MIL reflects that.

So you're the favourites . Because that's how it comes across.

Maybe it's shit like that dynamic that is making your SIL prickly.

All this 'she said' 'mil said' stuff would do my head in - just take a step back and don't get involved with whatever's going on here (I mean that for your benefit as well)

Why is your mil shit-stirring by repeating things that your sil said about you?

I wonder what she's saying about you to SIL?

I would be pissed off receiving that about my DM. It sounds like a dig.

What was your intention when you sent the message about your MIL?

I can only interpret it as a passive aggressive way of telling your SIL that she needs to do more for her DM. If you and your DH have specific concerns and have identified something tha needs to be done then your DH can discuss with his sister. Otherwise it comes across to me as unnecessarily stating the obvious, whilst at the same time subtly slipping in a statement about how you see your role / relationship with MIL as closer / more involved that SIL's.

I think maybe you should take her to one side, tell her that you care about her and her family deeply, that you’re desperate to help and support wherever you can, but that you’re aware that you can come over as patronising, so she should feel free to point it out to you when you’re doing it, as it’s never your intention. If she knows you’re aware of how you can come across, it might help.

Your relationship to your MIL is and has only ever been adult / adult. There is a world of difference between that and a parent / child relationship. Surely you understand that? How could you not?

Numerous people have explained here that 'spends more time with as an adult' and 'closer' are not the same thing. Further that 'closer' in the everyday sense is not the same as 'emotionally invested, during a time of family crisis' You don't seem to have grasped that.

Which does make you come across as a bit of a know-it-all. That is, as someone trapped within a limited knowledge framework, in which they have total yet misplaced confidence, by virtue of poor skills in the area of listening, observing, empathy, intuition and inference.

She sounds like a rude annoying tit.

But you also sound like a patronising arse who wants to be better than she is.

I'm not very close to my mother and if my sister's DH sent me a text saying 'we need to take care of your mother' while my father was dying I think I'd be so angry I'd want to punch him in the face. All I'd think was 'how dare he tell me how to behave towards my own mother!'

OP, you’re not listening are you? You’ve been told
A. To back off
B. You are NOT closer to mil! Regardless of what you may think. But you still continue to harp on, adding more detail about how closer mil is to DH to justify you being closer . The SIL is now the one who is prickly and telling you what to do . Details that were missing in the OP but that you’ve suddenly remembered. All sounding like a very desperate attempt to deflect away from your own poor behaviour.