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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

That I am BU and need to stop being a busy body! Or am I the nightmare SIL?

94 replies

Lemonsmakelemonade · 20/06/2018 10:21

Basically I've been through an unsettling, but not totally awful, 12 months. I left a job because I realised it wasn't for me (having never 'quit' anything before in my adult life) and then plunged my family into a bit of a financial tailspin. However DH who had been a stay at home dad, went out and got a challenging well paid job back in his field of expertise. I have gone self employed and it's going really well. My youngest DC started school full time. Unfortunately DH's DD has been given months to live after being diagnosed with bowel cancer. It's all very upsetting. Anyway I'm digressing a bit, but at the weekend we were at DH's parents and my SIL (DH's sister was there). I have now been told through my MIL that she finds me really patronising and condescending. I'm not quite the nightmare sister in law but maybe that's how she sees me. I'm now feeling really awful, because I offered to trim her DD's (my niece) daughter's fringe and also because yesterday I sent her a message saying we needed to make sure MIL (her mum) looked after herself while all this stuff is going on. I now feel I've put my oar in and been a right old busybody. My own DM and my sister tell me that because I'm quite a high flyer and live my life a bit 100 miles an hour I might annoy my SIL. Now really I'm working out how basically not to be myself around her and step back as she and my DH are obviously having to deal with other stuff. It;s not as if I haven't got my own life and my two DCs to be looking after. I have just wanted to help. I know (but from my MIL) that SIL has had a lot of money worries but obviously I can't say that to her. I offered to trim the fringe because niece is 16 months old and not quite yet walking, and her fringe was falling in her eyes - I had fringe scissors and was about to do my own DD's hair. Anyway how do I stand back and let everyone get on with things?

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 20/06/2018 12:18

So is your DH the Golden Child as far as SiL is concerned?

Original poster
Lemonsmakelemonade · 20/06/2018 12:19

I've messaged her to say sorry..

OP posts:
Costacoffeeplease · 20/06/2018 12:20

So many high flyers in the family, wow

MrsSarahSiddons · 20/06/2018 12:20

Going against the general trend I would say that it's your SIL who is the socially awkward one. I was going to make allowances because she's obviously distressed about FIL's diagnosis. A very difficult time for everyone. But it sounds like she has been rude and unpleasant towards you for some time and you probably can't do anything right in her eyes. Disengage from her and concentration on supporting your DH, and your MIL when you see her or phone her.

BoneShaker · 20/06/2018 12:21

"I have now been told through my MIL that she finds me really patronising and condescending."

Why on earth is MIL telling you this? A tendency to stir/blab (if she's telling the truth) might explain a little about why SIL doesn't talk to her much.

I agree that you need to take a step back here. Even your own family have warned you that you might annoy SIL.

MissVanjie · 20/06/2018 12:22

Welp op

Sorry but you do sound very full on. People have given you great advice and insight, but you’ve kind of handwaved at it. Your responses and how you speak of yourself do not paint you in a good light, all this self mythologising about how you never quit and you’re 100 miles an hour and blah blah, sounds a bit like you believe your own hype, but the fact that you obviously do not think you should modify or adjust how you communicate even when people have clearly spelt out to you that they have a problem with it doesn’t suggest that you have much empathy or self awareness.

And really. You may see you ils more day to day than your sil does but they are HER PARENTS. You will never be ‘closer’to either of them than her other than geographically and the fact that you would type such a thing out loud is exactly what i’m talkig about here.

You have a chance to take on board what other people are telling you about your behaviour and how it affects them, and to make a positive change here? But you seem to want to just power ahead business as usual because of how you enjoy seeing yourself. What does that tell you?

Spaghettijumper · 20/06/2018 12:26

It'll have been very obvious to her that you were offering to cut her DD's fringe because you disapproved of how long it is. My MIL does similar things - offering to be 'helpful' as a way of telling me what I'm doing wrong. It's pathetic behaviour - if you disapprove of something, say it, or fuck off.

Original poster
Lemonsmakelemonade · 20/06/2018 12:28

No I know I've overstepped the mark, and I'm going to pull back. It's not about me, it's about looking after someone who is terminally ill and help their family, in the way they want helping. It's good to have everyone's views. I've got flamed for saying we are closer but I'm the one (not DH or SIL) to whom MIL has told a lot of things too. Of course she wouldn't love or care about me the same way she would her own children! I think that part has been over-read. 'High flyer' could have been better worded; 'self employed workaholics' hope that sounds self effacing/humble enough for some of the posters here...

OP posts:
WingsOnMyBoots · 20/06/2018 12:28

Can I ask what business you set up? Understand if you don't want to say. I'm struggling to find something I feel will be viable that will suit me.

Original poster
Lemonsmakelemonade · 20/06/2018 12:30

Internet-based Wings - with several projects going live this week.

OP posts:
SukiPutTheEarlGreyOn · 20/06/2018 12:34

It’s natural that everyone is going to be a bit fragile at the moment so don’t take it to heart if good intentions get misinterpreted.

You are coming from a good place and your practical help will be appreciated. In terms of the communication and how that is facilitated it really needs to be sibling to sibling. Otherwise there will always be the potential to take offence/mis-read intentions. Direct offers of help and support would probably be appreciated by your MiL (which you are already doing) but it would be wise to tone down any organisation comments or suggestions relating to the wider family. Wishing you all strength as you go through this difficult time with your FiL Flowers

dustarr73 · 20/06/2018 12:37

It reads to me the sil doesnt like you cause you spoke the truth.
She doesnt bother with mil and because tou said it.it made her feel guilty.
Id also be wary of mil telling you things said about you.Shes probably telling sil things that you do.

Notonthestairs · 20/06/2018 12:40

I do t doubt you are close to your MIL and she cares about you. But please try to remember that both your DH and your SIL are facing losing a parent whilst worrying about how their family will change.

When my mother died my lovely SIL and DH let me and brother work through things with our Dad - supportive by sorting out day to day stuff but the decisions were left to us. You've described yourself in terms which indicate you are happy to take charge - no bad thing in my view - but this is an area where you follow not lead.

Notonthestairs · 20/06/2018 12:41

That should don't doubt!

Nicknacky · 20/06/2018 12:49

What on earth possessed you to send that message to a woman who is dealing with the pending loss of her father? Genuine question?

I would have lost my shit if I had been sent this when my mum was ill.

Spaghettijumper · 20/06/2018 12:55

Of course if your MIL is telling you that your SIL finds you patronising it sounds like she likes shit stirring a bit. My own MIL told my BIL's wife that I was 'hard work' as a way of trying to cause division between us. Luckily she knows me pretty well and just thought it was funny but I know MIL is so insecure that she has to ensure that other people are on the back foot with each other so that she can feel better about the fact that people don't like her very much.

Memetic · 20/06/2018 12:57

Gosh, I can see the patronising and condescending. My sil did things like this until I went NC.

“We”, implies “you do it, it’s your job”. Sil has used this countless times with me wrt my dad. It ended up I stopped working and was a full time carer with small kids for 6/7 years thinking “we” were looking after dad.

The offer to fringe cut: passive aggressive way to tell your sil their child’s hair looks horrible. So many times had offers to tie up dd’s Hair with braids etc. Only for dd to pull them out again because she hated her hair tied up.
My sil made loads of comments like this but they were aimed at me..like “my clothes are so tight around my boobs I need to borrow some clothes from you”...and then sat and told me everything was too tight for her, so obviously I was fat and shouldn’t be wearing the clothes I had. This was after suffering a few miscarriages and my body was fat and f’d up.

You’re lucky you have a mil to be truthful and tell you how you’re coming across. It’s also good you’re feeling bad about it. I’d change your tone and way you speak to her and just back off a bit.

averythinline · 20/06/2018 12:59

Just because MIL talks to you about stuff does not mean you can tell SIL what to do and you do sound quite overbearing and if MIL is calling you overbearing- she may well also be feeling it to and is using SIL says as a way of expressing how she is feeling.....
Please calm down and butt out except when asked....
I do project management for a job and do have a tendancy to dive in and problem solve and have to actively stop myself sometimes as that is actually not what is being asked for....so I can see where you mayeb coming from
however I would never ever dare to presume to tell someone how to relate to their parent...
you were well out of order there...so big chunk of humble pie the next time you meet SIL ( I wouldnt do via text/email or anything make sure you apologise face to face or at least phone if thats not liekly to be for a while...

Original poster
Lemonsmakelemonade · 20/06/2018 12:59

Nicknacky I have seen several relatives die from cancer, in horrible ways. My great uncle, my two grandfathers. That was horrible enough, but all their wives got really sick afterwards (the stress obviously). My MIL does not seem very well and I am worried because she says she's not been to the doctor, I won't go into details but at the weekend she was very run down. I'm concerned about her health. However both my DH and my SIL are too worried about their DH; which is understanable. I did say to SIL that I was only bringing up the 'looking after your mum thing' because I had seen it happen before. It's only from personal experience. I ended up nursing my grandmother through pneumonia after my grandfather died, because she was eating properly. I can see the same thing happening to my MIL; however as everyone here has said I need to back off now. But that's why I'm concerned..

OP posts:
Nicknacky · 20/06/2018 13:02

Regardless of your explanation, it will still have came over as patronising.

If you were concerned for mil then that’s a conversation you should have had with your h and left him to deal with it and with his sister as he saw fit.

Having lost your great uncle and grandfather doesn’t make you an expert in bereavement.

Twombly · 20/06/2018 13:05

What really leaps out at me here is that it's MIL who told you SIL finds you condescending, not SIL herself. I am always very Hmm about families where emotions are mediated through a third party and I think the dynamics of this family may be more complicated than you're giving them credit for. If you and MIL are so much closer than MIL and SIL, why are they talking about you behind your back? If SIL has a problem with you, why doesn't she say so to your face, or at the very least to your DH/her DB, rather than bleating to her mother, who is presumably more than a bit preoccupied with her husband's terminal diagnosis. And why are you and MIL talking about SIL and her feelings behind her back?

I agree SIL comes across as a bit prickly, and you, perhaps, come across to her as a bit teflon-coated, but to me the difficult customer in this picture is MIL, who seems to have put herself in charge of mediating everyone's relationships. I think you want to look at that a bit more closely before donning your hair shirt, and you might start with whether the words she's putting in SIL's mouth are actually coming from SIL - in other words, talk to SIL directly and ask her how she would like you to help and support at a difficult time.

Original poster
Lemonsmakelemonade · 20/06/2018 13:07

As I said I'm staying out of it. But while I felt a bit better a few posts I now feel totally dreadful.. I didn't say I was an expert just that I know my DH and SIL have never been through this process.

OP posts:
Nicknacky · 20/06/2018 13:08

Have you lost a parent? If not then you are no more experienced than your h and his family.

Want2bSupermum · 20/06/2018 13:09

I've been dealing with a sick father and my BiL (DHs sisters DH) passed away in Feb.

Back off and offer support to your SIL. If you think to open your mouth to say something don't. You clearly can't say anything nice. Your SIL is going to hate you because you are putting yourself between her and her mother. Seriously, you are delusional to think you have a closer relationship with your Mil than your SIL has with her mother.

Navigating in laws is always tricky. Get your DH to be the messenger. Hopefully he can do some editing and rephrase some things so they sound better.

lottiegarbanzo · 20/06/2018 13:17

I don't doubt you're right about a lot of things and can offer useful and knowledgeable help. But, you're not the expert on their family dynamics.

Do go through your DH on the important stuff and try to keep liaison with MIL to simpler practicalities.