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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I? I’ve lost all perspective.

72 replies

TeddyIsaHe · 20/06/2018 06:09

I want to change when my ex has dd over the weekend. He sees her once a week on a Sunday, picks her up around midday - 2pm, and then drops her off t 7:30am or 10:30am on Monday depending on when he starts work.

I’ve asked him to have her on a Saturday so I can start working a few more hours over the weekend. He has point-blank refused. He works full time during the week, and then has a second job he chooses to do (it’s related to a hobby rather than being necessary to survive). I work in hospitality, so weekends are so important to be able to work, and I’m struggling massively with this refusal. He doesn’t care that me working more would be better for dd as i would be able to afford more for her etc.

Is there anything at all I can do? Our contact agreement isn’t court ordered. But he’s a nasty piece of work, and this is the last ounce of control he has over me, so I don’t want to do anything that is going to rock the boat unnecessarily. I’d love for him to have her EOW, meaning we can both work, and both have quality time with dd.

OP posts:
sofato5miles · 20/06/2018 06:25

Get a court order

dundermiflin · 20/06/2018 06:27

Without a court order you can say no, and he can say no. You can say it has to change and if he won't then court is probably a better option. What have you been advised he'd be likely to get if you went to court?

Original poster
TeddyIsaHe · 20/06/2018 06:30

I haven’t had any legal advice yet (will be starting the process today). So no idea, but assumed EOW would work well for dd as she then gets a decent amount of time with him, and I can put some more hours in.

He told me it was my parents problem, not his! Meaning it’s up to them to look after dd if I want to work. He’s just bonkers.

OP posts:
Downeyhouse · 20/06/2018 06:34

Sadly from experience even a court order may not work. It is not ordered visitation but when he would have the right to see her.

He can choose to not exercise his rights and not see her on those Saturdays.

No judge will force a parent to take visitation - it is not a crime to not see your kids. Sadly so.

user1471517900 · 20/06/2018 06:37

I'm not sure he's particularly in the wrong here. You would prefer him to take her on Saturday due to work but he also works then so would rather take her on Sunday when he can spend quality time with her.

Both of you have different preferred days but that's not really his fault. Of course it would be nice if he sacrificed his Saturday job, but I don't necessarily think he's immediately a dick for preferring Sunday.

PoptartPoptart · 20/06/2018 06:40

Getting a court order will specify days and times that contact takes place each week. I’m not sure this will particularly help if what you want is flexibility.

Original poster
TeddyIsaHe · 20/06/2018 06:40

User I see your point. The only thing I find difficult is he already works full-time, and I’m managing only part-time and those extra hours would be a bump in pay. I have to work to live, he can choose not to work Saturdays, I can’t. Surely if he had dd’s best interests at heart he’d want a better quality of life for her that my working more would bring?

OP posts:
sugarPlumFairly · 20/06/2018 06:41

This reply has been deleted

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Peterrabbitscarrots · 20/06/2018 06:41

But he’s a nasty piece of work,

In which case I wouldn’t want to increase the amount of contact he gets. I’m sure it’s difficult if your job requires you to work weekends - are there any other childcare options?

Original poster
TeddyIsaHe · 20/06/2018 06:43

Sugar he wouldn’t need to give up his job, just work the Sunday instead. I don’t have the option to work a Sunday (restaurant is closed) otherwise I’d be working then anyway and it wouldn’t be an issue!

OP posts:
MuckyMare · 20/06/2018 06:45

I agree with user.

He is seeing his daughter, having her overnight.
I assume you were happy with the arrangement when it was put in place?

Now it doesn't work as well for you so you are demanding it changes even though it doesn't work for him.

I think if you want to work Saturday nights you'll have to put something else in place, with your parents if they are happy to help?

Really don't think he is in the wrong here.

footballmum · 20/06/2018 06:47

The problem is that you can ask him and want him to change the contact arrangements but you can’t force him. Suspect a court won’t order contact for a day when he’s already got a job on that day. I think you need to concentrate your efforts on finding alternative childcare for the Saturdays when work opportunities arise.

Original poster
TeddyIsaHe · 20/06/2018 06:48

Mucky originally he had dd alternating Saturday and Sundays (should have put that in the op, sorry) but when I asked him to have more Saturdays he refused.

Maybe I am being a dick, I feel he just does all this to piss me off so it’s good having other perspectives here.

OP posts:
Juells · 20/06/2018 07:09

@user1471517900

Of course it would be nice if he sacrificed his Saturday job, but I don't necessarily think he's immediately a dick for preferring Sunday.

@sugarPlumFairly

Yes you're being unreasonable and selfish.

The OP has her child all week, her ex has her one day a week and the OP is being accused of being selfish? It's like The Twilight Zone here, sometimes.

Juells · 20/06/2018 07:10

Evidently no man should ever be asked to do anything that might possibly discommode him, or that he simply doesn't fucking feel like doing.

InfiniteCurve · 20/06/2018 07:18

With you on that one Juells.
It's telling as well OP that you say that your working will let you give your DD more and a better standard of life - which implies to me that the full time and extra job wage pulled in by her Dad isn't having as much impact on her as it might Hmm
And he has her half a day on Sunday and a bit of Monday morning,not much really...

BoneyBackJefferson · 20/06/2018 07:19

Juells

Presumably he has already changed from EoW to every Sunday + overnight when possible.

And now the OPwants him to change back.

In there somewhere there is EoW and wanting him to do every Saturday.

Although it would be nice for him to have the dc more it seems like the OP keeps changing her mind about what she wants.

HugeAckmansWife · 20/06/2018 07:23

Why do presume that Boney? And I'm with Juells that the OP does the vast majority of the parenting and he has minimal responsibilities. She's not asking to swap so she can go on a spa break but so she can work.. You know like he gets to 6 days a week with no childcare costs or concerns. How is this remotely fair?

Soloooo · 20/06/2018 07:25

A court order won’t make him have her for more days than he wants.

Soloooo · 20/06/2018 07:26

When I went to court, ex said he wanted to see the children one afternoon a week and it was agreed.

Juells · 20/06/2018 07:31

@BoneyBackJefferson

Although it would be nice for him to have the dc more it seems like the OP keeps changing her mind about what she wants.

Perhaps she should change her mind to "I think he should look after his child 50% of the time"?

The implication, from some posters, is that he's doing her a favour by having his own child one night a week. I hope she sues him for childcare costs, to allow her to work.

BoxsetsAndPopcorn · 20/06/2018 07:31

The courts won't order more contact unless he wants it.

If he's working then there's not much he can do other than pay half the childcare if you want to work too that day. Can your chdilcare in the week not extend to that day as well?

BrownTurkey · 20/06/2018 07:33

Don’t fight a battle with someone controlling that you can’t win. I think you were fair to ask, but he said no.

Original poster
TeddyIsaHe · 20/06/2018 07:33

Boney what was originally agreed was he had dd alternating Saturday and Sunday nights. He’s never had her more than one night a week (and only since January, she’s 18 months old). I asked him to have her Saturdays again after he would only be available on sundays, he’s refused. I don’t think that’s me changing my mind constantly.

OP posts:
Fflamingo · 20/06/2018 07:34

How old is she?

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