Am I? I’ve lost all perspective.

[TeddyIsaHe]

I want to change when my ex has dd over the weekend. He sees her once a week on a Sunday, picks her up around midday - 2pm, and then drops her off t 7:30am or 10:30am on Monday depending on when he starts work.

I’ve asked him to have her on a Saturday so I can start working a few more hours over the weekend. He has point-blank refused. He works full time during the week, and then has a second job he chooses to do (it’s related to a hobby rather than being necessary to survive). I work in hospitality, so weekends are so important to be able to work, and I’m struggling massively with this refusal. He doesn’t care that me working more would be better for dd as i would be able to afford more for her etc.

Is there anything at all I can do? Our contact agreement isn’t court ordered. But he’s a nasty piece of work, and this is the last ounce of control he has over me, so I don’t want to do anything that is going to rock the boat unnecessarily. I’d love for him to have her EOW, meaning we can both work, and both have quality time with dd.

So if its not unreasonable for the NRP to do the bare minimum why can't the RP do likewise? Oh right, because that would be classed as at best poor parenting and at worst neglect. But the ex is allowed to do as they please in the full knowledge that the RP will pick up their slack.

But the ex is allowed to do as they please in the full knowledge that the RP will pick up their slack.

Now you've got it

I think we need to separate what is fair and what a court would consider reasonable in terms of visitation, etc. They are not the same.

The situation may well not be fair but the OP doesn't really have any way of forcing her ex to change. Resorting to court is unlikely to help.

Oh I get that there's nothing the OP can do and I agree that court would be a waste of time as court orders actually are only binding on the RP making children available. Nowhere does it penalise the NRP for not turning up. Such court orders ought to be a two way contract with both sides liable to penalties if they don't adhere. How can an RP better themselves and get off benefits, provide a better life for their kids if they can't rely on the other parent for reliable childcare OR the NRP should contribute significantly to additional paid childcare to cover his 'half' of the time so the RP can work. NRPs very rarely work and pay childcare on their contact time but most RPs are expected to and CMS rates don't touch the sides of childcare costs

There is 30 hours free childcare from 2 if you are below the income threshold or 3 otherwise.

Unfortunately the joys of unequal custody lead to these situations.

The proper compromise position is fortnightly. If you can arrange childcare for e.g. every other Saturday, then you can tell him that you'll be seeing your daughter on the Sunday for that week and he can therefore see her fortnightly. When he objects that he wants to see her weekly then you can say it isn't possible because it would need to be the Saturday, and you know he can't do that.

Obviously that only works if he'd miss his daughter...

No good you ranting Hugh! That doesn't help.

@Singlenotsingle

No good you ranting Hugh! That doesn't help.

I think ranting does help. When people come out of an abusive relationship and are dealing with a shitty ex, their expectations will have been forced to be very low. It's difficult to know what's reasonable any more. So having other people point out the unfairness must be helpful, I'd have thought? I remember being in a frightful state about something, until a friend said "Decide what you want to do, and let everyone else work around that". It was hugely freeing to realise that I was entitled to consider myself and what I wanted, rather than thinking I had to suit everyone else.

Even if it doesn't change, the time he has with DD is not enough. It's barely 18 hours, and I'd imagine most of that she would be asleep, they are not having quality time together

YANBU OP. He's got her one day in seven, and I can't believe that some posters here are calling you "selfish and unreasonable" for you to ask that he have her two days in seven so you can provide for her.

It's amazing, the bar is set so very low for men to be considered a "good father". He's not a good father - he's a totally shit one. He's a terrible role model to your daughter, a terrible provider, and a terrible dad. The only bright point out of his selfish refusal to step up to the plate and do a little more parenting is that your daughter will be exposed to him a little less.

I'm not ranting.. If I were I would be swearing and making hyperbolic statements. I am calmly pointing the huge and almost always gender biased inequality in the system as it stands. Why is that wrong? Or are we just meant to put up and shut up for two years until the state, rather than the earning parents will pay for childcare (assuming you can find one that offers the hours you need and not require top ups). In the OPs case, as far as getting her ex to be more helpful no there's little she can do but I absolutely reserve the right to give my view on the fundamental inbuilt unfairness and inequality in the existing system. I know many female single parents in similar situations. None if them have denied more access to their kids,, the exs simply don't want it and whilst I agree forcing someone to parent unwillingly would be a bad idea, there should be more stringent regulations around sharing the costs especially of childcare.

Maybe OP is changing her mind often because she does 6 days a week of childcare and he does one? Maybe if he did 3 and a half day a week of childcare (or 6 days) we could enjoy bashing OP and call her selfish. But right now, asking him to change the days so she can work on Saturdays when he can work on Sundays doesn't strike me as OP being a selfish beesh...

I'm much tougher now than when I had young children* and if I had it to do over I wouldn't put up with any bullshit. Looking at this in the longer term, it actually suits you for him not to have much contact time. He's a horrible shit, so the less time he spends with her the better.

I'd be inclined to do a bit of a reverse on him, keep asking him to take her for the whole weekend. If he thinks that's what you want he'll see it as 'childminding' and won't do it. In another few months you'll get the 30 hours free childcare and can organise your working hours better. If he does take her for the whole weekend it will be a win-win for you. But really, it will be better for your child if the relationship peters out - in a few years he'll start telling her what a horrible person you are, because that's the kind of abusive thing he gets off on. He's not a great dad, and he's not someone who'll be good to have around a little girl when she's growing up.

@Sammymommy

Maybe OP is changing her mind often because she does 6 days a week of childcare and he does one?

Not even one. A few hours and overnight while she's asleep. I find it amazing that women will castigate mothers for being "unreasonable" when they're struggling to do everything on their own, with very little financial help from the children's father who has fucked off.

Juells that’s what petrifies me, when she’s old enough to understand I know he’s going to start the hate campaign against me, as by that point it will be all he has left. I know him well enough to know he can absolutely hold a grudge that long.

Perhaps I need to suck it up till dd is 2 and look for weektime work in the meantime. Infuriating that he swans about not a care in the world and I feel like I might collapse under the stress of all of it.

Pop this post on legal matters, you'll get some experienced advice on there.

“I can’t get my head around the fact he doesn’t want her to have better just to fuck me off”

But you acknowledged in your op that he is nasty and controlling.

Things won’t get any better now. Just wait till he finds a new partner then he will have “other priorities”.

I would consider one night per week much better than 2 every other weekend in your situation. He’s sticking to it and that is something you have the priveledge of underrating. You don’t have to only work in one restaurant - surely being able to work every Sunday evening is of far more value than an every other weekend availability?

Rather than stressing, fix your eyes on your long term goal and work towards that. It's quite empowering to know that you have a secret plan, when they think they're getting what they want and putting you in your place. The less time he spends with her, the more he thinks he's upsetting you. At the moment, that's true. So turn it on its head, and look at it as "he's distancing himself from her without realising it". Let him think he's winning. You only have to hang on a few more months for the 30 hrs childcare.

Don't ever stop him seeing her, or he'll start fighting for more hours. Everything he does is about thwarting you, so don't ever let him know what you really want, that's the one thing he'll make sure you don't have.

There is 30 hours free childcare from 2 if you are below the income threshold or 3 otherwise.

No, the thirty hours is the term after the child turns three (if they are eligible), no funded two year old gets thirty hours, only fifteen.

TeddyIsaHe

Sorry I read "alternating Saturday and Sunday" as EoW. when its not.

I’ve decided to not initiate contact - usually I will do all the messaging to organise when he picks dd up. Because we’ve had a disagreement over when he has her he will now sulk and refuse to contact me (painting him in an excellent light!) so I think if I don’t contact he won’t bother. I’m not preventing him from seeing dd, merely not doing all the work as usual. I’ll see how it pans out.