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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I? I’ve lost all perspective.

72 replies

TeddyIsaHe · 20/06/2018 06:09

I want to change when my ex has dd over the weekend. He sees her once a week on a Sunday, picks her up around midday - 2pm, and then drops her off t 7:30am or 10:30am on Monday depending on when he starts work.

I’ve asked him to have her on a Saturday so I can start working a few more hours over the weekend. He has point-blank refused. He works full time during the week, and then has a second job he chooses to do (it’s related to a hobby rather than being necessary to survive). I work in hospitality, so weekends are so important to be able to work, and I’m struggling massively with this refusal. He doesn’t care that me working more would be better for dd as i would be able to afford more for her etc.

Is there anything at all I can do? Our contact agreement isn’t court ordered. But he’s a nasty piece of work, and this is the last ounce of control he has over me, so I don’t want to do anything that is going to rock the boat unnecessarily. I’d love for him to have her EOW, meaning we can both work, and both have quality time with dd.

OP posts:
TumbleTussocks · 20/06/2018 07:36

And now the OP wants him to change back

Awkward bugger - expecting the child's dad to co-operate and be flexible - like a parent bloody well should be!

Original poster
TeddyIsaHe · 20/06/2018 07:36

She’s 18 months old.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 20/06/2018 07:38

I would say you do need a court order and push for the perfectly reasonable EOW - with her getting older this is reasonable for everyone

Fflamingo · 20/06/2018 07:41

Once she starts nursery will seeing her less at weekend be ok.

colditz · 20/06/2018 07:42

You ca push for EOW but there isn't a force on Earth that can make him turn up on Saturday.

HarryLovesDraco · 20/06/2018 07:45

You can't get a court order for this. You can try to apply but it will get batted back at mediation, as you are the one who wants to disrupt the status quo and he works already on Saturdays.
It would be great if he could be reasonable and flexible but as a 'nasty piece of work' that isn't likely.

speakout · 20/06/2018 07:46

If he is a nasty piece of work why do you why him to spend more time with your daughter?

Slanetylor · 20/06/2018 07:50

Sunday is a busy day for restaurants. Have you looked around to see if you can work Sunday’s elsewhere?

FuckPants · 20/06/2018 07:51

I would say you do need a court order and push for the perfectly reasonable EOW - with her getting older this is reasonable for everyone

The OP can do that but it doesn't mean he'll turn up.

Do people think court orders are a summons? Hmm

Original poster
TeddyIsaHe · 20/06/2018 07:53

He’s awful to me, but has always been a good dad to dd. I can’t fault him on that. I think she deserves to have a relationship with him.

It’s just all so frustrating that he can work and earn as much as he wants, and I’m stuck struggling to make ends meet and he won’t help even a tiny bit. I’m looking to retrain so my working hours are more easily covered by nursery, but that takes time.

OP posts:
Original poster
TeddyIsaHe · 20/06/2018 07:54

Slane yes, but the restaurant I work in now is incredibly good with flexibility regarding my working hours and fitting them around my childcare, I think I’d really struggle to find that elsewhere.

OP posts:
Veterinari · 20/06/2018 08:00

Teddy how much child maintenance does he pay? If he’s not having DD often then he should be supporting her via CM payments to you

colditz · 20/06/2018 08:00

He's not being a good dad and your standards are shit.

If you dumped her with someone else and only saw her on a Sunday night, would you be a good mum? Hold him to the same standards you'd hold a woman to.

Original poster
TeddyIsaHe · 20/06/2018 08:03

He pays what CMS tells him to.

True colditz but I’m trying to be the bigger person. I could bad-mouth him all day long but it won’t get me anywhere. I wish he was different, but he’s not so I’ve got to work with that.

OP posts:
Juells · 20/06/2018 08:04

If you dumped her with someone else and only saw her on a Sunday night, would you be a good mum?

^^ This

Ignore posts telling you that you're unreasonable. Problem is that you're too reasonable, and bending over backwards to suit a shitty uncaring bully.

MrsMint · 20/06/2018 08:30

@Juells

But he works FULL TIME; so he could not physically have her FULL TIME anyway. Unless you think he should give up his FT job to accommodate Mum who has been given FT responsibility for dc. And you accuse others of being in the Twilight Zone...

Soloooo · 20/06/2018 08:33

If you went to court he would just tell the court what he wanted and why. The court wouldn’t make him do a Saturday.

BaronessEllaSaturday · 20/06/2018 08:33

We can all agree he is a nasty piece of work, we can all agree he should do more but the bottom line is that a court would not order him more contact than he wants so taking it to court would not change anything.

colditz · 20/06/2018 08:33

I wish he was different, but he’s not so I’ve got to work with that.

You need to hold that in your mind in ALL your dealings with him - including trying to get him to have your daughter more, see her more, be better when he does see her, provide more than the absolutely legal minimum etc.

He will not ever be a decent parent and with that in mind, you know what to expect. You're on your own.

Moving forward from that, do you have any friends that would do a childcare swap for you? ie they have your daughter on a Saturday to allow you to work, you provide childcare for them at another agreed time?

Daddystepdaddy · 20/06/2018 08:39

Am I right in thinking you have custody?

He sees his daughter when agreed and pays his CMS. Sadly worrying about your financial situation beyond that is no longer his concern. It may be no more than doing the minimum but no court is going to see that as unreasonable behaviour. Effectively what you are doing is asking him to reduce his income so you can increase yours.

Original poster
TeddyIsaHe · 20/06/2018 08:43

Daddy yes I do.

He wouldn’t be reducing his income - merely swapping a day. But like you said, me earning enough to support his child isn’t his problem anymore. I can’t get my head around the fact he doesn’t want her to have better just to fuck me off.

OP posts:
Daddystepdaddy · 20/06/2018 08:49

OP, how easy is it for him to swap a day?

He may indeed be doing it to fuck you off but that is why he is your ex.

Original poster
TeddyIsaHe · 20/06/2018 08:53

He chooses when to work, so very easy! It’s a hobby, obviously the money is a perk, but it’s not contracted or anything like that.

OP posts:
Daddystepdaddy · 20/06/2018 08:58

Then he simply doesn't want to and unfortunately you are at an impasse that is really unlikely to be resolved in your favour if you spend money on lawyers. You have no right to expect him to change his work schedule or agreed visitation arrangements, despite how reasonable your request may appear.

My advice would be to see if you can arrange alternative childcare to allow you to work more and approach this issue again when some time has passed or when you feel he may be more receptive to the idea. Pick your battles here.

Singlenotsingle · 20/06/2018 09:04

Can't parents or ILs help out?