Sister-in-law problems

[BeanJen]

Quite a simple one this, my sister-in-law told my husband she was pregnant and told him not to tell me until she said so. (She said she wanted to tell her husband's parents first). Obviously my husband told me straight away, we don't keep secrets from each other, does anyone in a marriage? I would always assume that anything I said to my sister might be shared with my brother-in-law.
I just feel like instead of being happy for them (they've been trying for a while) I'm now just pissed off that she's causing more problems in my marriage (the reason we're not getting on at the moment is that she keeps pouring poison in my husband's ear about our relationship) I'm not normally a petty person at all I'm just really annoyed. any opinions welcome 😊👍🏻

Is she your husbands sister?

Are there reasons why SIL dislikes you? Is there a back story?

Your DH told you. You're secure in your marriage and he won't keep secrets from you. Her poison isn't working. I'd pity her, get on with my life and think "fuck her"

I don't get why you are annoyed at sister in law...many people dont tell others until after 3 months, maybe she just wanted to tell her parents and siblings and leave everyone else until after 3 month stage (or whenever she felt comfortable to tell)..

Don't make it all about you, and she hasn't caused any problems in your marriage, your husband told you didn't he?

Just be happy for her and wish her well until she feels ready to share her wonderful news...don't be mad at her, that is your and dh little niece or nephew she is carrying, if you fall out with her over this silly reason it will only backfire on you if you end up not able to see the baby when it's born...

Just be happy for her, and let it go..

@kirta yes she's my husband's sister. The first time she got pregnant she told us both together.

And at that time we weren't even married.

@ElderflowerWaterIsDelish I'm not annoyed that she didn't want me to know I'm annoyed that she thought she could convince my husband to keep something from me.
Also just because he's still telling me stuff doesn't mean she hasn't done damage in our marriage. It's way too long a story to explain everything but believe me she has. My husband and I are in a very precarious position right now and instead of treating me like part of her family she has decided I'm an outsider. It hurts.

Do you think because you and your husband are in a 'precarious position' that the fact she told him and not you, is perhaps being blown out of proportion in your head? Yes - it's hurtful, especially when you have been privy to information with her last pregnancy, but given that it sounds like a decline in your relationship with her (the pouring poison comment leads me to believe that's the case) is it that much of a shock she has chosen to share with her brother and not you? Ultimately it's her information to share, but I agree she has put your husband in a difficult position by declaring it a secret.
I agree with the PP who said you run the risk of making it about you. My advice would be to be civil, and ultimately safe in the knowledge that your husband DID tell you.
It does sound like this is a small snippet of a bigger story. Whatever the outcome, let the pregnant lady get on with it. I hope you can work things out.

Get a grip op it’s her bussiness

I don’t think your dh should of told you. It’s her news and she told him she wanted their parents to hear before you. You are turning her pregnancy news all about you.

The DSis did this the wrong way round. She should have told her parents first, before telling her Bro. Would have avoided this.

TBH I don't get the 'must share everything' with DP/DH.
I hate that I can no longer have honest open discussions with my sister in case she shares it with her DH.

It should be up to me who I choose to share my news or worries with.

It's actually pretty isolating at times.

I get the feeling that the problem may be your DH.

Does he 'confide' in his sister and then run back to you and tell you what she has said?

Does he like to cause drama and conflict?

Because it seems to me that he is telling you something that you don't need to know and maybe enjoying the drama.

I think the SIL thing is a red herring, would be hard to influence a solid marriage. Camel broken back is more understandable.

@BeanJen

Just you thread title is enough for me to say yep, got it:)

My SIL (brother's wife) is a nightmare. I and all the family were incredibly welcoming to her, she is a lot older than him and wants things her way, she's very entitled. My brother and I are incredibly close, they were having trying for a child but having trouble conceiving, she started pressuring him to propose by not good means, then she started getting crappy with me. Rude comments from her friends (excuse me, no), threats, all sorts a bizarreness. My brother was losing his mind because he didn't accept at all what her adult mean girls were doing to his sister, but then it's his wife who he has to live with. So he lost his mind and freaked.

It all baffled me at the time as it was so bizarre. Later I realised that she knew we were so close, she knew about all the problems conceiving, she knew he talked to me and she was (insulting to both my brother and myself) trying to avoid him somehow deciding to leave her because they weren't getting pregnant. As she knew he talked to me she figured I was a threat to her influence over him and might even tell him it's ok to leave. (It's f-ing not and knowing my circumstances which she did, no one sane would think I would ever tolerate or consider that).

He would never do that and had made it clear to her, actions and words, I would never tell a man to do that and quite honestly if my brother left a woman for that reason, I wouldn't talk to him for a very long time either.

She basically wanted our connection weakened so she could keep him for herself and be in control of him. I left it to him and didn't respond, my brother got incredibly upset though and it was difficult.

If your SIL is trying to interfere with your relationship, I would believe it. Some people are weirdly possessive like that.

He's her brother.

I don't get the problem.

I also don't agree with the 'need to tell each other everything'.

It honestly wasn't your business or anything you needed to know.

It's horrible she hurt your marriage (the backstory you mentioned).

But what you've just described here?

I think YABU.

OP unless she is the root cause of your marital problems stop focusing on her.

She knew her brother before you and if she wanted to talk to him about something that involved her privately - she can do.

Dh tells me everything but I’d like to think if his brother had told him something that involved him and had nothing to do with me and to keep it private - he would, as would I.

Focus on you and dh

@MariaMadita

You also think I sent my kid to school wearing only spray paint!

Hurt marriage you accept, new behaviour causing more problems you don't accept.

Kid wearing gold spray paint to school, all good.

Something is wrong with all of this but I can't quite figure it out.....

My own SIL is a nightmare that caused alot of arguments between myself and my partner in the early years of our relationship. So I can understand how you feel about her BUT i really don't see how telling her brother shes pregnant is a problem.

You and your dh may be a couple but you are also two separate people. She had a relationship with her brother long before you came along. She has every right to confide in him. If she doesnt want you to know about her pregnancy yet thats her choice.

I think your feelings towards this woman, although justified, are clouding your judgement and making you over react in this situation.

....?

I said that there's nothing inherently wrong with being topless.

And you were the one that came up with the spray paint scenario....

As for me accepting a 'hurt marriage'....

As I said, I'm sorry the OP's marriage was hurt. It's not acceptable.

But pregnancy is a personal thing. The OP didn't need to know and doesn't have a right to know either.

Also... Golden spray paint?

This is getting more and more elaborate... Well, at least ski have an active imagination.

Anyhow, back to the OP.

I don't know what he SIL did. But what the OP described in this thread?

Not inappropriate imo. Why did she need to know?

I disagree with people - obviously if you tell someone something you can expect them to tell their partner. It’s pathetic to tell him and ask him not to tell you! Very childish. Conversely, when I told my brother about our pregnancy, his girlfriend pretended not to know about it. Which I found deceitful and pathetic as well, and told my brother as much since I had assumed (correctly) he would tell her and didn’t appreciate being lied to. Some people are just weird.

I do think that it is her news and up to her how/when it's shared.

However, I assume that if I tell a married friend something that their DH may find out too. Simply because I don't feel it's fair to ask someone to keep a secret from their spouse. Whether they tell them or not is entirely up to them of course, and most of the time I can't imagine their DH would be interested or want to know.

If I don't like their DH or wouldn't be happy for their DH to know the information, then I don't tell that friend.

Its not your DH's secret to tell!

I don't tell my DH everything! There would be no time for a start! If it directly affects us I might, but my sisters pregnancy doesn't.

Actually I know a few of my sisters secrets at the moment, and I have no intention of spilling them to DH!

OMG your friends must have to hold loads back from you!

In the pregnancy example alone, she hasn't done anything wrong. It's fine to tell your brother something, fine to tell him to keep it a secret. Yes, even from wife. If someone told me something and told me not to tell dh, I wouldn't tell him.

Another one here who doesn`t spill secrets to OH until given permission. OH also keeps his counsel if he is told something in confidence.