Sister-in-law problems

[BeanJen]

Quite a simple one this, my sister-in-law told my husband she was pregnant and told him not to tell me until she said so. (She said she wanted to tell her husband's parents first). Obviously my husband told me straight away, we don't keep secrets from each other, does anyone in a marriage? I would always assume that anything I said to my sister might be shared with my brother-in-law.
I just feel like instead of being happy for them (they've been trying for a while) I'm now just pissed off that she's causing more problems in my marriage (the reason we're not getting on at the moment is that she keeps pouring poison in my husband's ear about our relationship) I'm not normally a petty person at all I'm just really annoyed. any opinions welcome 😊👍🏻

I think YABU it's a happy occasion that's not about you, she should have the opportunity to share her news with her immediate family first.
I'm sure my OH would share such information with me also but I wouldn't feel personally slighted because she wanted it to be a secret.
If there are other problems in your relationship then that's one thing but don't create new things to argue about .

I think your Sister in Law has a Sister in Law problem actually.

Umm what was all that about golden spray paint?

OP, just because you are married, it doesn't mean you have to tell your partner everything. Can you imagine a situation where a woman wants to confide in her friend, but REALLY doesn't want her friend's partner to know about it? It could be a private matter - sexual health, for instance - or an emotional matter - her feelings after being dumped - or a financial matter - that she struggles with her money on her own. She wants to talk to her friend, not her friend's partner.

This is what puts me off confiding in someone who's married. They think that everyone accepts their partner will be in on all of their friends' private matters - that isn't on.

Your SIL wanted to tell her brother and him alone. He betrayed that trust.

HollowTalk

OP, just because you are married, it doesn't mean you have to tell your partner everything. Can you imagine a situation where a woman wants to confide in her friend, but REALLY doesn't want her friend's partner to know about it? It could be a private matter - sexual health, for instance - or an emotional matter - her feelings after being dumped - or a financial matter - that she struggles with her money on her own. She wants to talk to her friend, not her friend's partner.

This!!!
Its cringeworthy the oversharing some people expect

So what's your problem exactly? You're pissed off she told her brother about being pregnant and asked him not to share the info until she had spoken to her parents It's hardly the crime of the century is it, although she should know her brother well enough to know he's a blabber mouth and would have told you.

I think you need to grow up.

And your dh should be ashamed of letting down his sister by blabbing to you.

What a pair

So a grown woman told her brother something in confidence, he told you anyway, and you STILL complain that he wasn’t supposed to tell you? It’s STILL all about you?

I’m so glad I’m not married to you. You sound awful. Beyond awful. I’d be ashamed to be married to anyone like you.

She’s told her brother about something she is going through and asked him to keep it to himself until she’s ready.

Your op is odd. Your main issue puts you “in the wrong” but you elude to her poisoning DH against you and that’s not what you’re talking about...

If this is an example of her poison then you are not looking at it right at all. If the other stuff is actually poison then that’s what you should be looking at.

Also she’s struggled to get pregnant. So you have a clue there as to why she’s being cautious. She’ll probably feel cautious in other ways until she’s holding that baby in her arms.

Is this a reverse?

Haha. Some people here are pretty harsh! But I welcome it all thanks for your comments.
First of all to clarify, I'm not a terrible person, I have no intention of mentioning this to her or of starting an argument about it. I have told her how happy I am for her and kept my feelings on the matter to myself.
It's interesting to hear how other people's marriages work. My husband and I are a partnership and we share all good news. She knew how excited he would be to tell me and asked him to withhold it from me it just seems odd.
Also when she told me she was pregnant alongside my husband when we were just going out I felt very happy I was included as family to her. Now this three years later feels like a statement of how she doesn't feel that way any more. It genuinely makes me sad.

I think in your DH's position, some would tell their wives and some wouldn't, it's up to them really.

I appreciate SIL has been horrible, but I doubt her asking to keep it quiet is some kind of 'loyalty to you vs her in DH's mind' thing, it's just she wants to keep it quiet as many people do.

YABU. Being married to someone does not mean you get to decide that they get told other people's confidential information.

A friend of mine is getting divorced, I have told DH this as it will be obvious anyway. However I know far more about it and she has asked me not to tell my DH, which I haven't of course. It's her business and I have no right to tell my DH. Your DH had no right to tell you either. It's his sister's news and her right to confide in who she wants. She needs to be told that anytning she tells her brother will immediately go back to you so she can stop telling him.

In terms of the pregnancy I don't think it's a big deal. She wanted to tell her DB and not you because she's obviously closer to her DB than you. Your DH told you anyway which is fine. I don't see how that would cause a problem in your marriage - as her pregnancy isn't something that directly affects you anyway. It's not like your DH would be "keeping secrets" from you just not passing on other people's personal information.

It sounds like you have a more general problem between the two of you though.

Hmm, if she told your DH and asked him not to tell you, for whatever reason, then he told you and you told her you knew...that might piss me off a bit if I was her. But yes it is odd that she would sideline you now.

Maybe if she knows that your marriage is in a precarious position at the moment, she really didn't want her brother to share her news with you. And had an expectation that he wouldn't. You can't be that strong a partnership at present if it's all going wrong?

I'm sorry, but I hate the "I share everything with my husband" line - it just seems like an excuse for gossiping. I have a very open and trusting relationship with my husband, that doesn't need to extend to him hearing all the very personal and private details of my friends' or sisters' lives.

I told my best friend when I was 6 weeks pregnant with my first, asking her to keep it to herself as I wasn't ready to share. The next time I saw her husband - a lovely guy, but not my close pal - he gave me a big congratulations. I felt so awkward accepting his good wishes when i hadnt even told my parents in law. Pregnancy is a special case because of the miscarriage risk. Sure I didn't mind him knowing I was pregnant, and luckily it all worked out, but had it not - he really isn't someone I'd want knowing about what I was going through

I’m interested in when she told your husband - was it at a time when he wasn’t with you eg at work, or was it at 9am on a Sunday morning when you were next to him in bed and he would’ve had to lie when you asked him what his reaction was about?

I actually wouldn't care if DH's sister told him something just for his ears that had nothing to do with me directly. Her reasons are perfectly valid, ie wanting to tell her inlaws first.

It's not some poisonous divisive secret she's asked him to keep. You're over egging this one obviously we don't know any of the history.

Also when she told me she was pregnant alongside my husband when we were just going out I felt very happy I was included as family to her.

I don't know her/what happened/what she did etc...

But maybe her not telling you wasn't because of you or your marriage. But simply because this is a different pregnancy... You said that she had been trying for quite some time... Maybe that's why?

Maybe she's just being cautious, feeling a bit raw etc.

A family member had a miscarriage, everyone knew. When she became pregnant again she kept quiet, I figured it out and told her but understood her fear so told no-one until she was ready to announce it.

@welshmist why would you tell her you'd figured it out? Is it not incredibly insensitive to mention something like that?

I'm on a similar position to your family member now and if someone told me they'd figured it out "but don't worry I won't say anything" I'd be anxious and wish they'd just keep their mouth shut until I felt ready to tell them.

Blonde sea, maybe because she was hurling at the time and looked so ill. Maybe because her OH was two thousand miles away for work for two months, maybe because she had done a hard day at work and hadn`t had the energy to shop or cook a meal, maybe because I loved her and wanted to be of use in a practical way. Which is why I shopped, cleaned and cared for her in any way I could.

@welshmist couldn't you just have done that saying she seemed under the weather without putting her on the spot and saying you'd guessed about her pregnancy? If someone doesn't share that news you don't confront them with it.

Some people on this thread seem to thrive on drama and secrets. If you tell someone something, you are reasonable to expect they'd share it with their partner. Don't tell people in a couple something if you don't want their other half to know. It's ridiculous to try and control who other people tell, it's totally up to them not you if they want to share it with their partner. I would never share something with a sibling and try to make them keep it to themself.

If a friend who tells me something in confidence that has nothing to do with my OH, WTF would I tell my OH?

If I told my sister something in confidence, I would do so on the expectation that she wouldn't tell anybody, not even our mother, BECAUSE I TOLD HER IN CONFIDENCE.

Not everybody needs to know everything (and TBH I find couples who 'have no secrets' a bit creepy).