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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be p*ssed off that my mum is buggering off to America when she’s broke and I bail her out regularly?

65 replies

wedontneedroads · 19/06/2018 20:32

So... yes, basically my mum has no savings/ money (don’t ask...) DH and I and other family members pick bills up for her if it gets out of hand a bit, we’ve never resented this, she gave us a great childhood and she’s our mum, so all good.
BUT, she suddenly announces she’s going for a week to New York... how the f*ck she can pay for this, I don’t know.
Not only that, but my DH has been trying for the best part of a year to arrange a 40th birthday weekend away to NYC and we had to abandon plans as no one from our family will have the kids over night (4 and 2 years old- good kids). She just said she doesn’t have the energy... but she has enough to eff off for the week... AIBU??

OP posts:

PasstheStarmix · 19/06/2018 22:19

As for the other issue I wouldn’t be giving your dm anymore money as jetting off really isn’t on when she’s been taking money from you like she has. She should be paying you back if she’s now better off.

BMW6 · 19/06/2018 22:28

Next time your Mum asks for money say No, we are having to save up for a trip........

Pippa12 · 19/06/2018 22:30

In the nicest possible way... you mum might of been abit put off at the thought of having the children while you flew to the otherside of the world? Maybe try asking for one night, and perhaps build up slowly to a weekend etc?

If you stop giving her cash you could perhaps use it as a bargaining tool...

'Do you fancy watching DC for us for us whilst we go for a overnight spa break, obviously I'll treat you for it...etc...

It is hard when you dont get a break to enjoy each other, it really does make a difference... but realistically with travel you are talking at least 3/4 nights... a feat for anybody

OrchidInTheSun · 19/06/2018 22:31

Do you know how old my youngest was when I first went away for the weekend?

welshmist · 19/06/2018 22:56

Just one night away, somewhere fairly local is not to be sniffed at. A lie in, food cooked by someone else. Bliss.........

Whatshallidonowpeople · 19/06/2018 23:00

Don't have kids and expect others to look after them

mummymeister · 19/06/2018 23:04

wedontneedroads - its a matter of priorities. your priority has been to give money to your mum rather than to save it so you can have a weekend off. its your decision at the end of the day. next time she asks say a firm no and explain why.

do you have any friends with similar age children that might do a swop with you so that you have theirs for a weekend then they have yours?

when mine were little we joined a babysitting ring at the church. you paid for your hours with virtual money and accrued credits that you could use within the group. lots of babysitting done by me and we built up lots of credits so that we could also go out every week and it didn't cost a penny. perhaps you could set one up in your area?

as for a weekend away, did your counsellor really suggest this? surely they are street wise enough to know that quite a lot of us have no parental help and support.

we have had 3 weekends away in 30 years. its not vital for a marriage to do this.

MissConductUS · 19/06/2018 23:09

Good for her. The weather is perfect now in NY. We love British tourists.

Does she ever do daytime babysitting for you? If she helps out with childcare on a regular basis then helping her out financially makes a lot more sense - there's a mutual benefit.

tillytrotter1 · 19/06/2018 23:54

You've all got some mean parents! We're in our early 70s and love have the grandchildren to stay over, three of them, been as long as 5 nights, while parents have some time away. Always willing to help out and they seem to like coming.
Agree not to give the mother any more money.

Nicknacky · 19/06/2018 23:57

tilly Good for you. My family aren't mean. My mums dead, my dad still works. My mil isn't fit enough to look after kids and my fil who is divorced for mil, doesn't know the kids well enough.

But carry on assuming families are just meanies.

bookbuddy · 20/06/2018 00:14

We rarely get help with child care, I think it’s quite mean actually. I really enjoyed staying with my grand parents every weekend and we had an amazing relationship. Is it really that bad that you would like your dm to show a little empathy for your situation? People are quite selfish now and eternally busy but on the plus you can be too when they require a bit of support. I agree that child care is not an entitlement btw I just don’t get why so many gp’s want so little to do with their gc. Stop bailing her out then you owe each other nothing.

LM1970 · 20/06/2018 00:36

When you said you are bailing her out- are you giving her cash or are you ringing up X company to pay off her water bill for example? If it’s the later, then it’s plausible she is saving her own money. Could have been for years for all you know. If your giving her cash....wellll, she doesn’t sound like she’s the best with money in the first place so a pretty foolish thing to do. Debt doesn’t doesnt just appear from nowhere- it’s from people being irresponsible with their finances. I can’t lecture OP- I’ve been in thousands of debt before, because I choose to go out for that nice meal instead of paying my bills.

RE the holiday/babysitting issue- bit silly to compare a holiday with babysitting although I do agree that a trip to NYC can involve lots of walking about. Don’t think there’s a way past this unless you find alternate childcare- maybe see if there’s a local nanny in your area who will babysit for you a couple of times with view of a couple days proxy parenting?

I think a minimum of 4 nights is realistic going to NYC when you factor in travel time and the fact there’s probably so much you want to do. I guess it all depends on whether it’s realistic if you will get to go again.

If you look at getting a late flight out (say 12am) would your mum look after your DC that night seeing as I imagine she will only have an hour or so with them before bedtime? Then look at getting a flight that gets back late so if you do choose to hire somebody they can’t charge you for another days babysitting while still getting a few hours sightseeing done before your flight home

LM1970 · 20/06/2018 00:38

Think your best bet is to sit your mum down and tell her unless she explains where the money has come from- she is not to approach you for help. Possibly will backfire if you rely on her for odd couple of hours babysitting (but from what you have said I’m not seeing this being an issue?) but let her throw her toys out the pram.

Don’t be a pushover about it.

ICJump · 20/06/2018 00:45

My eldest is seven my partner and I have not had one night away together. We have seperate nights although my first one was when I gave birth to my second.

But actually it doesn’t matter you feel like you give your mum heaps of support and don’t get support from her. Have you talked to her about it?

UndomesticHousewife · 20/06/2018 01:15

Not that many people manage to go to New York when the children are 4 and 2, but also why does it have to be New York or nothing?
Couldn't you start with going to a local hotel for the night that might make it easier for relatives.
Looking after children those ages is hard work so one night might go down better.

My children are 18, 17 and 12 and we're just starting to be able to get away. When they were little we had to work on our marriage in other ways.

Stop paying your mums bills. Next time she asks for money say sorry you can't afford it.

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