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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be p*ssed off that my mum is buggering off to America when she’s broke and I bail her out regularly?

65 replies

wedontneedroads · 19/06/2018 20:32

So... yes, basically my mum has no savings/ money (don’t ask...) DH and I and other family members pick bills up for her if it gets out of hand a bit, we’ve never resented this, she gave us a great childhood and she’s our mum, so all good.
BUT, she suddenly announces she’s going for a week to New York... how the f*ck she can pay for this, I don’t know.
Not only that, but my DH has been trying for the best part of a year to arrange a 40th birthday weekend away to NYC and we had to abandon plans as no one from our family will have the kids over night (4 and 2 years old- good kids). She just said she doesn’t have the energy... but she has enough to eff off for the week... AIBU??

OP posts:
Original poster
wedontneedroads · 19/06/2018 21:28

Welshmist- thanks :-) yes, good idea, like a swap thing... I like it, will have a think about that. Thanks for you input

OP posts:
WilsonPhillips · 19/06/2018 21:28

It's a bit strange that your mum won't tell you where she's getting the money from. I think it's a bit of a piss take that she lets you bail her out financially regularly and then is booking extravagant mini breaks! I wouldn't be giving her any money again in a hurry.

Candyflip · 19/06/2018 21:30

Set up a babysitting circle. I lived overseas and had absolutely no help, so we started a babysitting circle and became great friends and a support network to each other. Plenty of people have no family.

Zaphodsotherhead · 19/06/2018 21:31

I'm afraid that, like most people without handy family available to take the kids off their hands, you just have to grin and bear it. It's tough but you come out at the other side. Loads and loads of parents of small children have nobody to take them (and often can't afford to pay for a 'weekend away' either) and manage to stay married.

Your mother is paying on credit. That's why she won't say, but beware the begging 'I can't pay my credit card bill this month' calls when she gets back.

AornisHades · 19/06/2018 21:31

We've had 1 totally childfree overnight night together in 12 years.
Stop bailing your dm out with no consequences.

Original poster
wedontneedroads · 19/06/2018 21:32

I know... and obviously I don’t go round all day saying these things... but good to sound them off here... and, I haven’t coped very well having kids, so I guess to me it’s felt a bit like that- not looking for sympathy about that, by the way. Just being honest.

OP posts:
NerdyBird · 19/06/2018 21:32

Tbh, any marriage guidance person who suggested weekends away would get short shrift from me. It's hardly a genius suggestion and as pp said, are they going to babysit?
I'd be looking for a different counsellor.
But anyway, stop giving your mum money.

WordWeasel · 19/06/2018 21:33

Hmm, did marriage guidance counsellor even have children themselves?

In the 7 years we've been parents, we've never even considered going away without the kids. I'd miss the stroppy little fuckers too much, and they wouldn't go to anyone else overnight. Also, we wouldn't feel comfortable asking anyone else to have them. There are other ways to keep a marriage alive than weekends away.

Thesearepearls · 19/06/2018 21:33

Odd things happen when extended family finances get intermingled

For me I would just suggest that you pay for your DM when she undertakes childcare duties and do not pay off her credit card etc

There's a separation then. Because frankly if either one of my children told me I couldn't go to New York for a week - I'd be writing them out of the will. My choice and my life

The problem here is that you've bailed out your Mum and now feel entitled to tell her what to do. You are not entitled to tell her what to do so to get rid of that feeling you have to stop bailing her out. Which leads to paying her for the childcare she is providing

Or do you feel entitled to that?

Original poster
wedontneedroads · 19/06/2018 21:33

Nice! Will definitely do this now... See if there’s anyone else we can help out too... like it

OP posts:
Nicknacky · 19/06/2018 21:35

word I have to completely disagree with your post, how ridiculous.....

I wouldn’t miss my stroppy little buggers at all. I would be in the airport drinking my Pinot thinking “what kids”.

Grin
hotsouple · 19/06/2018 21:39

People are being Dicks! If you have a mother you regularly help out and have a good relationship with, it really probably shouldn't be too much to ask. Tell your mom you are taking the money you normally spend on her and put it towards childcare so you and hubby can bone!

Nicknacky · 19/06/2018 21:40

Bone? Do people actually talk like that?

Thesearepearls · 19/06/2018 21:42

See - this is the thing

YOU DON'T GET TO TELL YOUR MUM WHAT SHE CAN DO

I've put it in block caps to be absolutely clear. If she wants to go to NYC that's fine. If she doesn't want to look after the kids that you decided to have for a weekend - that is also fine.

Zaphodsotherhead · 19/06/2018 21:42

Nicknacky - I wonder if hotsouple has maybe beamed in from 1960's America...

Strokethefurrywall · 19/06/2018 21:43

Such a simple solution to this problem.

  1. Stop bailing your mum out
  2. Put the money you've saved not bailing her out towards childcare...
Original poster
wedontneedroads · 19/06/2018 21:43

Hotsouple- haha :-) - that is kind of how I feel... my nanna (her mum) always had us round for sleep overs... but like they say... can’t tell her what to do, would have been nice of her to pass on the love...

OP posts:
Original poster
wedontneedroads · 19/06/2018 21:45

Strokethefurrywall- yes- I think that’s what will happen...

OP posts:
kitkatsky · 19/06/2018 21:47

Sorry, but I don't understand the correlation.

If I had someone to look after DD I could afford an amazing holiday/ experience, but looking after DD is solely my job so...

Basically If you've left MIL money you have a right to be irritated, but if you're irritated she's holidaying for whatever reason and said she can't look after your DCs you're totally U, cos it's not her job to look after your kids

dustarr73 · 19/06/2018 21:57

Stop paying your mums bills.Save that money and pay someone to have

the kids for the weekend.

lou1221 · 19/06/2018 21:58

I can see where your coming from. We have 3 dc, when my youngest was a baby we last had a weekend away for our anniversary. That was 9 year's ago. Since then I have lost my mum, I have very lc with my dad, and certainly would not allow the children to stay with him. I have friends who would have one child but not all of them. So our holidays are our time away.

callmeadoctor · 19/06/2018 21:59

The easy answer is to stop bailing her out! The answer to your question about family and rekindling relationship is fairly simple. Find another couple to swop sitting once a month with. Forget about the overnight away bit, I know of very few couples who manage to do that and tbh if you make a decision to have children then that is how life will be.

You are just the same as everybody else. Maybe take a day off work occasionally and put kids in nursery?

Maegeri · 19/06/2018 21:59

You support her when she needs it but she doesn't support you when you need it. It's hard when you don't have support and lots of people around you do and it's easy for people to say suck it up, but its also ok for you to be fed up about it!

I don't have family support and have had to get on with it but have had plenty of times when I just wanted a good moan about it. Maybe scale back your plans for going away and have a few nights out, baby sitting swaps etc.

I think that bailing her out is just causing more problems than it solves and sets up bad feeling. If you step back from that it won't feel so bad when she doesn't support you.

Remember too that family support can be a double edged sword, lots of threads on here with problems in having to rely on family and having to bend over backwards for help. When you are doing it all yourself at least you can parent your own way.

BoxsetsAndPopcorn · 19/06/2018 22:04

Stop giving her money and let her sort her own money problems as an adult.

Most people with children don't have nannies so breaks away are with the children. I'd feel funny going without mine so it's never bothered me. Plenty of ways to get time as a couple without the need for a holiday.

PasstheStarmix · 19/06/2018 22:17

Op me and dh are in the same boat but with a 15 month old. We don’t have anybody willing or able to look after ds for so much as a couple of hours. Hell my own dm etc couldn’t even help me with ds when he was a newborn, me and dh have and are on our own and have been throughout; thank god we have each other at least. We have accepted that we don’t have the picture perfect family you see on the tv and that’s okay. We look forward to getting our evening back when ds finally goes to bed on his own and we can have time to ourselves then as at the moment we don’t even get that in the house! We can’t afford paid childcare and even if we could I’d be too scared to use it unless it was somebody I know and I don’t like strangers in my house but that’s my own fault I know!

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