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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be p*ssed off that my mum is buggering off to America when she’s broke and I bail her out regularly?

65 replies

wedontneedroads · 19/06/2018 20:32

So... yes, basically my mum has no savings/ money (don’t ask...) DH and I and other family members pick bills up for her if it gets out of hand a bit, we’ve never resented this, she gave us a great childhood and she’s our mum, so all good.
BUT, she suddenly announces she’s going for a week to New York... how the f*ck she can pay for this, I don’t know.
Not only that, but my DH has been trying for the best part of a year to arrange a 40th birthday weekend away to NYC and we had to abandon plans as no one from our family will have the kids over night (4 and 2 years old- good kids). She just said she doesn’t have the energy... but she has enough to eff off for the week... AIBU??

OP posts:
EveningHare · 19/06/2018 20:34

A week in new york is different to looking after a 2 and 4 yr old for st least 2 nights....

Nicknacky · 19/06/2018 20:34

There is two issues here. Don’t give her money.

And looking after two young kids is a totally different kettle of fish than going on holiday.

Leeds2 · 19/06/2018 20:38

Don't give her the money, either before she goes or to pay off her credit card when she comes home.
Not looking after your DC is nothing to do with it, and she was not being unreasonable to refuse to look after them if she didn't want to. That said, there may be things in the future that she wants you to do for her that don't suit you. If so, don't do them.

TroubledLichen · 19/06/2018 20:39

How is it being paid for? If she has a secret stash of savings or has stuck it on a credit card when you’re giving her money I’d be seriously pissed off. If a friend or a boyfriend is treating her then it’s a non-issue.

No one wanting to have your kids for a long weekend is a totally unrelated issue and it’s fair enough that your family don’t want to look after them for that long at once. Although I appreciate it must be like rubbing salt in a wound when you hear your Mum is off to where you want to go but can’t right now.

Wolfiefan · 19/06/2018 20:39

Stop bailing her out.
Nobody else should be expected to have your kids. Would be nice if they did. But they don't have to.

happypoobum · 19/06/2018 20:42

YABU about her not being able to look after your DC for a whole weekend.

Re her trip - is she going alone or with a friend? A relative of mine regularly went abroad for free with a wealthy friend who wanted her company and was happy to finance her.

Or maybe she put it on credit?

If she has paid for it herself maybe you should rethink bailing her out?

Idontevencareanymore · 19/06/2018 20:48

Stop giving her money.

Looking after the kids is a separate issue. I'd have the energy to go on holiday if I didn't have my kids.

Original poster
wedontneedroads · 19/06/2018 20:51

Fair enough- 2 issues, totally see all your points. She wouldn’t say how she got the money...
and 2nd point; how do people look after their marriages for the first 5 years of having kids if not wealthy enough to pay for a nanny? DH and I haven’t had a night off together for nearly 5 years... and it’s just bloody exhausting and a real strain on the marriage... I though it took a village to raise a child...

OP posts:
user1457017537 · 19/06/2018 20:57

They pay for babysitters. Nursery nurses, trainee teachers, etc are often reliable and good with young children. Do you have other relatives who would babysit. You may have to pay for help if you don’t have family who will step up.

Nicknacky · 19/06/2018 20:57

You don’t need to go to New York to keep a marriage alive.

If you can afford a weekend in New York then you can afford to hire a babysitter for a night to go out for dinner if need be.

Thehop · 19/06/2018 20:58

Pay for a babysitter.

TroubledLichen · 19/06/2018 21:01

If she won’t say how she’s funding the trip then definitely stop giving her money.

As for the other issue, find a good babysitter, it’s not a holiday but it gets you night out together. And consider family holidays with kid’s clubs so you can get a break. New York isn’t going anywhere.

Original poster
wedontneedroads · 19/06/2018 21:04

Yes, we hire baby sitters for the nights out etc but to have a couple of nights off in 5 years, doesn’t seem unreasonable to me, but also to hire someone for the weekend, you’re talking £100s of pounds... it’s a different ball game... I guess I just have quite a lot of friends who’s parents do the odd night/ weekend...

OP posts:
Mammalamb · 19/06/2018 21:05

You sound really entitled. (And that’s a word I usually never use) but honestly, your kids are your responsibility. It would be nice if someone offered to babysit, but going in the huff because someone won’t watch your kids for an entire weekend isn’t really on. Hire a babysitter or arrange a swap with a friend in a similar boat

Original poster
wedontneedroads · 19/06/2018 21:07

All good. good to sound out on you all :-) actually feel less angry so thanks everyone... I will look into saving an extra £200-£400 And maybe get a childcare to build a relationship with the kids before we go...

OP posts:
Mammalamb · 19/06/2018 21:07

But, yanbu being annoyed with your mum always needing bailed out and then spending money on a holiday to new yorj

Original poster
wedontneedroads · 19/06/2018 21:07

*childcarer

OP posts:
Original poster
wedontneedroads · 19/06/2018 21:11

Fair enough... mammalamb, but honest question: How do people make real space for their relationship when you have toddlers- we’ve had to do marriage counselling and they’ve advised that we take a weekend off once in a while...

OP posts:
icklekid · 19/06/2018 21:14

We don't have weekends off. We have 2 young children. At this time in our life our marriage is hard work but hopefully it will get better when children are older and might be less of an ask for others to have them over night

Nicknacky · 19/06/2018 21:19

Would you really only be in New York for two nights? Factoring in travelling, it seems a bit rushed. You would almost just be there, quick sightsee, then flight home.

Nicknacky · 19/06/2018 21:20

It’s all very well marriage guidance suggesting that. Will they babysit for you?

EveningHare · 19/06/2018 21:21

You don't get a weekend off when you have small children, unless you are extremely lucky, we never got one when they were that age

Make time for.each other in other ways, cook a meal, candles bit of romance, you don't need a weekend in new york

Original poster
wedontneedroads · 19/06/2018 21:23

Iklekid- we don’t either, but I just feel there’s not the support for parents of young children- apparently 39% of relationships fail within five years of having a baby... maybe we should fight more for time for our relationships and that would maybe take the people around us to just help out once in a while. After all- that would be best for the children long term, so whereas I totally respect what you’re all saying (pretty unanimous), I actually think that sometimes just lumping it can be very detrimental...

OP posts:
welshmist · 19/06/2018 21:26

OK so family are a washout for overnight sitting, what about friends. I would say offer to have a friends brood overnight so they can rekindle their relationship if they have yours? That is what we have done.

Nicknacky · 19/06/2018 21:27

What support are you looking for?! You have had kids, not been imprisoned!