To ask you how you deal with intrusive questions

[Beadoren]

Eg.
Do you buy or rent?
How do you afford that?
Why did you and your partner split up?
How old where you when you had your children?
Was the third planned?
And who will be looking after the children while you go and do x? Will you manage?

I’m generally a very outgoing person and I often feel sidelined by this sort of question and end up answering out of politeness despite feeling horrendously uncomfortable, and then feel furious with myself afterwards for not saying something sassy back.

Tallyhooo nobody, not one person is discussed negatively behind their back ever.
Everyone ( except me) is on a diet
and exercise kick including the manager. They are training for all sorts!! It is a very informal place of work. ( which it needs to be due to the nature of our buisness)

Why would I laugh at disabled people? What a fucking stupid thing to say.

Wrt our friend, she saw it has a huge achievement herself and was more than happy to tell us all about upgrades, all inclusive deal etc. Of course I'm impressed! I wish I'd done it myself!

Anything else you want to slag me off for Tallyhooo while you are on a roll?

I normally laugh and go "hahaha you can't ask me that!! That's a bit personal hahaha" and maybe touch their arm or something, be sugary sweet and then they can't pretend to be offended and usually they drop it. If they don't, then it's your cue to say "actually prefer not to say, I'm quite private"

The only one I think is faintly rude is whether your children were planned. The rest are regular topics of conversation among me and friends and I wouldn't be bothered by a stranger asking. I'm happy to discuss how I afford things or how much I earn, salary transparency helps give people a better idea of what they're worth in their own jobs

why do you ask - pauses...

jokey are - we in interrogation is there a chair for me

all very well saying this

What's so bad about most of those questions? I don't bother telling people if I rent or not, how old I was when I had my kids, or how I afford certain stuff, or who is looking after my kids. Those don't seem personal questions to me.
I would be bothered by someone asking details about DS1's first weeks though.
I think this whole thread shows that some people find certain questions offensive which others find perfectly harmless, therefore giving an aggressive or rude answer just makes you look like an idiot! Simply say "I'm not comfortable talking about that."

notacooldad- So I was right about the 'self-obsessed' comment then! 'Everyone' is on a diet except you? And yes, I think to describe a friend by their personal income (your 'just above minimum wage friend') and to question how they can afford to Holiday is incredibly rude - I hope she didn't feel pressured in having to give you such a detailed explanation.....

“I’ll tell you when I know you better”

It shows you’re not emotionally closed and pushing them away, but that you’re not yet at a level of trust in your relationship with that person where you’d divulge that information.

Also keeps them guessing and interested in you, and you can tell by how they deal with that what kind of a person they are eg if they just can’t help themselves from pressing you, avoid them. If they respect your answer you know they understand how trust works.

I get this with people asking me questions about why I'm using walking sticks. Inevitably,it's 'Oh dear,what have you done then?' I haven't done anything,I've got pretty bad osteo and rheumatoid arthritis. Apart from the fact that it annoys me that a total stranger assumes that I've 'done' something,it's also none of their business. The state of my health is not up for discussion in the middle of a crowded bus,thanks very much. Especially as they usually follow it up worth their gems of wisdom for a 'cure'.

You met my MIL! I apologise she was Nazi SS trained! If you see her again just hide, or ask her why a lot, she is so used to asking questions that should freak her out!

notacooldad- So I was right about the 'self-obsessed' comment then! 'Everyone' is on a diet except you? And yes, I think to describe a friend by their personal income (your 'just above minimum wage friend') and to question how they can afford to Holiday is incredibly rude - I hope she didn't feel pressured in having to give you such a detailed explanation

Jesus wept! We are a very small but close team. Everyone is training but I an currently too lazy and the one that needs to cut back and exercise. Everyone is doing great! I currently don't have any motivation as I am very fat at the moment and feel ridiculous in the gym! I could do with being a little self obsessed to get me out of my sloth like mentality!

I was describing my friend in context of the thread and questions people ask. I didn't ask her how she afforded it, she already told us!!
I don't tell you what friend refers herself as because you will make your own script about why she dies and what I allegedly think despite knowing neither if us and we have been mates since griwing up on an estate together.
Honest my mate would tell people to shove stuff up their arse if she didn't want to disclose anything!! No beating about the bush with her! She certainly doesn't feel any pressure to do anything!!
Ok, Tallyhooo what else do you want to rip me apart for?

notacooldad - you did state on your previous post (read back) that 'your friend on minimum wage was asked how she afforded her holiday to Dubai' - you assumed 'she didn't find this intrusive' as she then went on to give you a detailed explanation of how she did it......and you don't think that's in anyway intrusive? All I hope, as I stated, is that she didn't feel pressured into having to give you such a detailed response.

Personally, your comment on 'how you were all impressed' I would find patronising - given how you described her by her personal income....

Don't you think its slightly intrusive? How would you respond to people questioning your financial capability to afford a Holiday?

tallyhoo
Was you a jack Russell in a previous incarnation? You never let up!
How about we know our boundaries with our friend and these questions are put around our group as the norm and have been for ever. I've had , ' love the car, , how the fuck can you afford that? , have you robbed a bank?' We all impressed and pleased that she has managed to afford something special after several shit years and she high fived us! If she thought it was intrusive she would have said ' you are a set of twats, you lot!!' She was impressed when I went somewhere in particular I'm impressed in what she has done!

So why are you picking a fight and pulling me up on every word!

Any way, I'm going off to try and be self obsessed somewhere before tea!

I say "well I could tell you but then I'd have to kill you! " and then laugh and change the subject. Works every time.

notacooldad - I'd suggest your office? :)

Make up some outrageous response.
Serves 'em right for being so nosey.

I have used my Dads saying of ‘nosey for a cabbage’ in the past without thinking

Talluhooo?
Eh? What now?
I'm done!

It’s all about context. If it’s some random pushing the swing next to you who looks at your shoes and asks how much they cost and how you afforded to buy them then just be vague and polite. ‘oh crumbs, I can’t even remember. How old is your little girl?’

If it’s a very nosy relative or frenemy then something vague but a little more pointed would do, ‘ My mother always told me to keep these things private. How’s your bunion?’

And for certain questions like why did you split up a very generic, ‘it just didn’t work out/ we wanted different things’ is fine.

My MIL was pretty persistent at times and I did once tell her very kindly that I was never going to tell her a certain piece of financial information. She took it on he chin but needed to be told in words of one syllable.

"You don't know, I don't know, SNAP" then laugh and change the subject.

The thing is I think some of these people are nosy and take the piss because they get weak/reserved vibes from you if that makes sense? As in they don’t see you as assertive or someone that will tell them to fuck off, so they feel comfortable intruding in your personal life like that. Think about it, I’m sure there are loads of people these nosy pricks come across that they wouldn’t dare ask about their finances/relationships in depth etc. So if you find yourself coming across people like this repeatedly, it might be time for you to bolster your self esteem/confidence

It's the 'why do they want to know' that always gets me - usually after I've been sideswiped and already answered....leaves me with such an uncomfortable aftertaste!

There just doesn't seem to be a lot of empathy around right now for how people may respond to certain 'questioning'...I don't know - all I know is I'm getting a bit fed up of having to deal with what feels like constant interrogation - maybe just aftermath of a busy few months....

As a total rule - friends finances are and always should be private, unless they choose to confide in you personally - then keep it personal - it can be really humiliating if you fall on hard times.....

I half laugh and say 'that's a bit personal'

But seriously, I find people so much more self obsessed these days. Most people want a sounding board to talk about themselves

KC225 - I agree - but those are the people who will always also want to gossip about others - making themselves look better - double edged swords.....