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Original poster

To ask you how you deal with intrusive questions

99 replies

Beadoren · 19/06/2018 14:09

Eg.
Do you buy or rent?
How do you afford that?
Why did you and your partner split up?
How old where you when you had your children?
Was the third planned?
And who will be looking after the children while you go and do x? Will you manage?

I’m generally a very outgoing person and I often feel sidelined by this sort of question and end up answering out of politeness despite feeling horrendously uncomfortable, and then feel furious with myself afterwards for not saying something sassy back.

OP posts:
PatchworkGirl · 19/06/2018 15:24

"one person's rude is another person's trying to make friends"

This.

There are several question on that list which I wouldn't consider especially personal or intrusive and certainly wouldn't consider 'rude'. I would consider some of the responses suggested here to be very rude and/or patronising though. If you don't feel comfortable with the question then why not just change the subject?

IsaidMrDarcynotArsey · 19/06/2018 15:25

Henceforth, inspired by @Juells Auntie, I am going with the beady eye and “you writing a book?” defence. Made me chortle !

dupainduvin · 19/06/2018 15:26

i agree patch and also there are people with not great social skills due to being on the spectrum that could be upset if they realise they'd upset someone.

Laughing it off is my preferred option unless you feel someone really has set out to offend you. I like southfields suggestions - most situations don't call for combat

PaintedHorizons · 19/06/2018 15:26

I don't find those questions particularly rude. I'd mostly answer them. Not everyone is a mind reader and knows that you only want to talk about a list of Approved Subjects. Not everyone has brilliant social skills. No-one deserves to be slapped down for trying to talk to you or get to know you although they'd soon realise that it wasn't worth it if you cut them dead.

If someone is being deliberately rude or unpleasant then that is who they are and your best bet is to avoid them as they are certainly not going to be worth talking to and unlikely to change.

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 19/06/2018 15:27

Tbf Im a bit of an oversharer anyway, so would probably answer most of these questions without even being asked Grin

I never ask people if they have children. If they do, you will hear about them sooner or later. If they dont, the reason could potentially be sensitive &/or upsetting. If they divulge off their own back why they dont have them then i will be there to listen, but i would never put someone on the spot like that.

Kewcumber · 19/06/2018 15:34

As the parent of an adopted child this is an ever present and irritating as shit problem...

"why did his real mother did him up"
"what do you know about his real mother"
"how much did it cost"

etc

The only answer which works in almost all situations is

"Why do you ask?"

And depending on the answer you either laugh (at the sheer inanity of the answer) or give as much or little information as you wish.

TwoSweetenersImBitterEnough · 19/06/2018 15:36

Ask them something back which is equally or more insulting. E.g

'Why doesn't DS have any teeth yet'

'Idk aunt arsehole, why doesn't your teenager have a dad yet?'

IsaidMrDarcynotArsey · 19/06/2018 15:37

I don’t mind most questions if they are part of a getting to know you scenario but I have used “I’d tell you but then I’d have to kill you” for someone who was like a dog with a bone re our finances. I thought it was marginally more polite than “ Would you ever fuck right off ! “

Tallyhooo · 19/06/2018 15:39

Chairpatiobike - I get the genetic questions, family history of disease etc - but 'what they are dealing with' is a pregnant woman who is feels like she is being interrogated!! For example, If I didn't answer questions about my childhood (which tbh I didn't really want to, it wasn't the best, but I felt I had to) then what would have been the outcome?? Refused to co-operate backlash from somewhere!!? I haven't had contact with my parents in years - having someone out of nowhere making me 'talk about it' during what is a really happy time for me and my family put me on edge throughout the whole thing.

Like I said, when do you have the right to say 'I don't want to talk about something' if you don't want to- or you 'just do' even if it makes you feel sick!?

Original poster
Beadoren · 19/06/2018 15:48

Do people honestly think asking how you afford something isn’t intrusive? I think it’s on the same level as asking somebody how much they weight. Particularly when there one can infer disapproval/disbelief from the question.

I think the rude response because hypothetically if you had left your relationship because of say, abuse or an affair, why on earth would you want to talk about that with somebody you barely know? Equally you may be able to afford something because you are absolutely minted, or you can’t afford it and it’s all on credit cards, or somebody died and left you lots of money, either way, that’s not an answer I’d feel happy saying to somebody. Surely most people understand that money and relationship breakdowns and issues around fertility are likely to cause there person being asked to feel utterly shit, and I think it’s rude to make somebody feel obliged to answer, and for the person asking to feel entitlement to an answer: like pps have said, you don’t know what people are going through.

OP posts:
notacooldad · 19/06/2018 15:54

Do people honestly think asking how you afford something isn’t intrusive
I suppose, as with everything else, it's the context that matters.
For example a friend of ours is on just slightly more than minimum wage and has gone to Dubai with her Dh and 3 kids. She was asked this but didnt take it as an intrusive question. The answer was skipped a holiday last year and put that money to one side, had an early booking deal, paid for an upgrade which meant it was virtually inclusive so not many extra costs etc.
I must say we were all impressed with her savvyness!

notacooldad · 19/06/2018 15:56

I think it’s on the same level as asking somebody how much they weight*
That's a daily question in our office!!!

I think you need to come to our place, you'll soon have no inhibitions!

LovelyBath77 · 19/06/2018 15:58

I think 'why do you ask?' sounds a good one. Going to keep that one in mind.

Tallyhooo · 19/06/2018 15:59

notacooldad - Seriously!! Why is that anyone else's business but your friends...'Slightly more than minimum wage'...I would hate 'friends' to describe me as that if I was...or to even care/know!! And to then question her about affording a holiday!!!?

Was this a discussion you had with other 'friends' behind her back??

'I must say we were all impressed by her savvyness'...well bravo to you - self-entitled much!!??!

Tallyhooo · 19/06/2018 16:02

notacooldad - Wow! A daily discussion in your office is how much people weigh.....you've just reinforced my opinion.....do you also laugh at the disabled?

KM99 · 19/06/2018 16:02

I tend to try and politely give minimal information and change the subject. I do recall some very abrasive friend of a friend banging on about when I was going to get pregnant (was 38) at the time and had two miscarriages that year.

She was so pushy I did take a slightly spiteful root and reply "I'll be trying again right after I recover from this second miscarriage".

I felt a bit guilty, but then if it stopped her being so personal with someone else it was maybe worth it.

60sname · 19/06/2018 16:03

I was brought up that it is tacky to discuss money in any but the broadest terms outside the immediate family so I don't, (though I do get drawn in by the in-laws from time to time.)

60sname · 19/06/2018 16:06

notacooldad - Wow! A daily discussion in your office is how much people weigh.....you've just reinforced my opinion.....do you also laugh at the disabled?

I assumed this is a discussion in which everyone is discussing their own weight rather than mocking people behind their backs - frankly if I don't think it would be a bad thing if more people saw weight as factual rather than emotive.

dupainduvin · 19/06/2018 16:07

i'm glad we live in a more open culture now - my P think talking about mental health issues is tacky. That's not a good or helpful attitude if the person struggling wants to feel they can talk freely.

I agree though, perhaps the flip side is that social rules are harder to fathom than before on what's ok to ask and what isn't and in which contexts?

Chairpatiobike · 19/06/2018 16:09

@Tallyhoo

We all have issues we don't want to talk about. Especially when they are sprung on us. I understand. I have past issues I don't like to discuss.
It's perfectly fine to say "I don't want to talk about those things right now" I am sure I said that to my midwives at some points. I even lied to them about some things!
But they still have a duty of care to ask. Don't be offended by it, just take it on the chin that professionally they have to ask.

Tallyhooo · 19/06/2018 16:12

60sname - it will always be emotive for most - it's incredibly personal - and also given what notacooldad was discussing about his friends finances it sounds very much as though its not an 'open' discussion - it rarely is something people tend to want to 'open topic' unless their self obsessed......

Ski40 · 19/06/2018 16:14

I don't find any of those questions that intrusive if I get asked, mostly I just answer unless they start to overstep the mark. The only things I refuse to discuss are political views, debts and my sex life. Those conversations I find a bit too much.

sockunicorn · 19/06/2018 16:18

Ok, so I would happily answer all the above questions but the weight one would have me mortified and I wouldn’t answer —the truth—. Maybe it’s because my life is “average” in every other way so none of those would embarrass me as it’s higher than I would like!

Flicketyflack · 19/06/2018 16:19

Pause and pause again...

'I wonder why you need to know the answer to this?'
Or
' i will answer that question if you could tell me why you need to know?'

Caribou58 · 19/06/2018 16:19

When I was a teacher, I used to respond to nosy questions from kids with "That would be my business, wouldn't it?"

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