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Original poster

To want proof before confronting DH

63 replies

fridayisnearlyhere · 19/06/2018 08:40

So bit of back story....

DH and I have been together 12 years, married for 6. A few months after we got married noticed that DH became very protective of his phone where as he never had been before. Started taking it to the shower with him, wouldn't let it out of his sight. Eventually one day when he was running late he left his phone unattended, I had a quick look and found 3 months worth of explicit messages and pictures to another girl! We talked, agreed to work it, he cut contact with girl and we moved on.

Said girl has popped up a few times since, but she has since married and had 3 children. We have also had 1 DD.

Our relationship has struggled since DD was arrived, mainly because DH can't seem to cope with not being centre of attention anymore and because my priorities have changed from going out all the time with him to wanting to spend time at home with DD and trying to catch up on sleep. We both work full time.

The other week I was dozing in bed and DH was on his phone. Briefly woke up and thought I saw girls name again, but he quickly closed his phone before I could see properly/say anything. He has started taking his phone with him everywhere again.

Last night he was out for the football and accidentally left his work phone at home. I only found it when I was sorting some washing out. Managed to get into it, at first couldn't find anything but then eventually found some deleted photos and there was a selfie of her. Nothing that bad, just her head and pulling a kiss face. Then found one of him which he obviously taken and sent whilst in bed next to me!

So I know something is going on - it could all be innocent but I don't know. I took pictures of the selfies that were on the phone to keep as evidence (as the one of her is going to be deleted from his phone soon) but I feel like I need more evidence before I say anything.

Could this just be innocent or should I prepare myself for the worst?

OP posts:
PJBanana · 19/06/2018 08:43

I think you know what’s going on deep down OP.

At the very least, he’s having an emotional affair. And to make matters worse, this has happened before. With the same person.

You deserve more than him Flowers

Maelstrop · 19/06/2018 08:43

I wouldn't be able to trust him and I think if you cna find deleted photos, does that mean they're recent? Will you talk to him about it?

Shoxfordian · 19/06/2018 08:44

Doesn't sound innocent to me; he's done it before and he's doing it again. I don't really get why you forgave him the first time but don't forgive him again now because he's just going to carry on doing it.

Timeisslippingaway · 19/06/2018 08:44

There is nothing innocent about this. A man sending a woman, he has previously had explicit conversations with, pictures of him I bed and receiving pictures back is out of order. What do you want to happen before you confront him?
Finding her phone number in his phone would be enough for me to confront him. What are you waiting for? What more proof do you need before you realise he is lying to you and hiding things from you?

Jeezoh · 19/06/2018 08:45

What could he say to you that would make you believe there’s nothing going on and you can trust him? I’m guessing nothing - I’m really sorry x

Singlenotsingle · 19/06/2018 08:46

Why don't you just ask him about it? In a non judgemental way. Then he'll know that you're on the case and if there's anything going on, he isn't going to get away with it. It might just be that they're thinking back to old times, and feeling a bit nostalgic.

SandrasAnnoyingFriend · 19/06/2018 08:46

There's nothing more to uncover, you have evidence that he is prioritising ongoing contact with her over being honest with you. Isn't that enough to confront him with?

Domino20 · 19/06/2018 08:48

No it's not innocent, no you don't need more evidence. Tbh you give the impression that you won't leave him anyway which is probably why he keeps doing this.

OkMaybeNot · 19/06/2018 08:51

He's not committed to you.

Leave with your dignity.

Fluffyears · 19/06/2018 08:51

I’d pull the photo up on the phone then chuck it at him and tell him to start his packing with that. I’m sure his bitbon thr side will take him in. It’s the one thing I can’t forgive, it’s hsppened to me before and I hope you are ok, I remember that horrible feeling when you find something. He’s already been caught yet still went back down that road.

laurG · 19/06/2018 08:51

I don’t think you need proof. Your oh needs to shape up! He’s a dad now. He might be struggling with that but tough luck. Chucking your relationship down the drain isn’t the way to deal with it. Sit him down. Tell him exactly what you told us and tell him it needs to stop.

shiklah · 19/06/2018 08:53

You have proof.

Blaablaablaa · 19/06/2018 08:53

I'm sorry but you have all the evidence you need. He's a cheat and a very, very selfish man. A man who who can't cope when children come along because the attention is no longer fully on them (and are essentially jealous of their own child) have an innate selfishness that will never go away.

He will try to blame you and say you neglect him and needs attention but I'd bet money on the fact he probably leaves the bulk of childcare and household responsibilities to you while he gets to swan about living the life of Riley.

You deserve better. A lot better

Pengggwn · 19/06/2018 08:54

OP, please be realistic. He is doing this virtually in your face.

And she isn't a 'girl', I'd hope!

OkMaybeNot · 19/06/2018 08:56

She already told him to stop, he's doing it again. He'll keep doing it again and again if OP repeatedly gives him a stern talking to and that's that.

Men like this need constant, unwavering attention or they'll find it from somewhere else. The selfish narcissists feel pushed out by their own children.

It's up to you, OP, to decide whether you're willing to give him that unwavering attention or if you believe you're worth more.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 19/06/2018 09:00

You’re not a criminal judge, there is no standard of proof. I can’t see how you can be happy with this man. What do you hope to achieve in confronting him? If it was me, I think I’d be preparing to separate.

notapizzaeater · 19/06/2018 09:02

You have proof - you've seen the pictures.

Original poster
fridayisnearlyhere · 19/06/2018 09:05

Thanks for all the replies.

The problem is I hate confrontation, and I know DH will turn it around to me and all he will do is complain that I went through his phone. That was his response when I last caught him and it wasn't until he realised how much I had actually seen he backed down and admitted it. I think part of that is why I want more than a couple of selfie's - even though I know he is in the wrong as I have specifically asked him to never speak to her again.

I have gone through his phone (well his work one anyway) and I can;'t find her number. Any messages I have seen briefly look more like they are FB messages, but when I looked last night there were none there so he's obviously got wise this time and deleted them after every conversation.

OP posts:
LostwithSawyer · 19/06/2018 09:07

Listen to your got. Deep down you know he's cheating on you, be it an emotional affair or a sexual one. Either way he's cheating.
I know how you feel I found my husband's secret phone last week.
As soon as I found it I knew what was going to be on it. Low and behold he's a scumbag.

OkMaybeNot · 19/06/2018 09:09

You don't need his permission to be angry, or to kick his arse out.

SparklyMagpie · 19/06/2018 09:10

How on earth could it be innocent?

You have everything you need

Keep strong and make a plan

TammySwansonTwo · 19/06/2018 09:11

He knows better this time. He’s deleting all the evidence so that you won’t find it.

KC225 · 19/06/2018 09:12

You have proof. He took a photo of himself whilst you were in bed next to him. How disrespectful is that. Another poster up thread said he is not committed to you and I agree. How many chances does he get?

ShadowHuntress · 19/06/2018 09:13

How much more evidence do you need? The fact you let him get away with it first time around just made him more confident that the same would happen again.

YetAnotherUser · 19/06/2018 09:13

This is totally grounds to LTB.