To want proof before confronting DH

[fridayisnearlyhere]

So bit of back story....

DH and I have been together 12 years, married for 6. A few months after we got married noticed that DH became very protective of his phone where as he never had been before. Started taking it to the shower with him, wouldn't let it out of his sight. Eventually one day when he was running late he left his phone unattended, I had a quick look and found 3 months worth of explicit messages and pictures to another girl! We talked, agreed to work it, he cut contact with girl and we moved on.

Said girl has popped up a few times since, but she has since married and had 3 children. We have also had 1 DD.

Our relationship has struggled since DD was arrived, mainly because DH can't seem to cope with not being centre of attention anymore and because my priorities have changed from going out all the time with him to wanting to spend time at home with DD and trying to catch up on sleep. We both work full time.

The other week I was dozing in bed and DH was on his phone. Briefly woke up and thought I saw girls name again, but he quickly closed his phone before I could see properly/say anything. He has started taking his phone with him everywhere again.

Last night he was out for the football and accidentally left his work phone at home. I only found it when I was sorting some washing out. Managed to get into it, at first couldn't find anything but then eventually found some deleted photos and there was a selfie of her. Nothing that bad, just her head and pulling a kiss face. Then found one of him which he obviously taken and sent whilst in bed next to me!

So I know something is going on - it could all be innocent but I don't know. I took pictures of the selfies that were on the phone to keep as evidence (as the one of her is going to be deleted from his phone soon) but I feel like I need more evidence before I say anything.

Could this just be innocent or should I prepare myself for the worst?

I wouldn't need any more evidence.

He said he'd cut contact, and yet years later they're still in touch. Why would you want to stay with him?

He sounds like such a selfish dick

Get rid of him. You only have one life, do you want to spend it with a man who cheats on you? Do you want your dd growing up thinking that it’s normal for a woman to be treated like this? You need to respect yourself and waste no more of your life on him.

Afaic he lost the right to keep his phone private when he first cheated. I would make no apology for looking at this given previous behaviour.

But I agree with others. Take the control back. Do it by preparing to leave and getting everything organised legally and financially.

You forgave him last time. He's lied again. Life's too short.

@FizzyGreenWater

Great post!

Fizzy is right. You don't need to convince him, you need to convince you.

Fizzy has nailed it! I am saving that post Fizzy :)

OP you could find him in bed with five women and he would still look you in the face and say “it’s not what you think”, claim you’re overreacting and it’s not cheating. You will never ever have enough “proof” to get him to admit it. That’s how these men work. You could find a message saying “I enjoyed our sexual intercourse last night” and show him for him to laugh and say it’s a joke. It will drive you mad. The fact she sent him a “kissing face” is very telling. Please just end it for your own good.

He's probably been at it during the past 6 years (i doubt she's been the only one)-just hid it well. now, he's got comfortable and slipped up - and you've caught him.

this would be game over for me, no more chances. it's not like he's grown up/improved as a partner in the last 6 years so what's there to work on/fight for anyway?

i'd keep quiet until i'd got all paperwork/ducks in a row and then confront him. i'd present it as a fait accompli and say "i found you out, it's over, fuck off and prepare to hear from my solicitor".

you need to have more confidence in yourself and courage.
he can try turning it round on you but he's the one who did wrong and the universe conspired to let you know.

Fizzy is fucking awesome. And absolutely right.

fizzygreenwater should have some sort of advice TV show or column - her advice is always spot on

Did you check photo details? Dates etc? Could this be an old pic he came across from before and deleted it when he noticed it was still on his phone!

If you managed to get the date and it is more recent, I feel you have enough to go on to confront him.

Exactly exactly exactly what Fizzy said. Print it out and keep it

You don't need evidence to prove to him that you know he's cheated.

If you're no longer happy and don't trust him you don't have to stay.