To want proof before confronting DH

[fridayisnearlyhere]

So bit of back story....

DH and I have been together 12 years, married for 6. A few months after we got married noticed that DH became very protective of his phone where as he never had been before. Started taking it to the shower with him, wouldn't let it out of his sight. Eventually one day when he was running late he left his phone unattended, I had a quick look and found 3 months worth of explicit messages and pictures to another girl! We talked, agreed to work it, he cut contact with girl and we moved on.

Said girl has popped up a few times since, but she has since married and had 3 children. We have also had 1 DD.

Our relationship has struggled since DD was arrived, mainly because DH can't seem to cope with not being centre of attention anymore and because my priorities have changed from going out all the time with him to wanting to spend time at home with DD and trying to catch up on sleep. We both work full time.

The other week I was dozing in bed and DH was on his phone. Briefly woke up and thought I saw girls name again, but he quickly closed his phone before I could see properly/say anything. He has started taking his phone with him everywhere again.

Last night he was out for the football and accidentally left his work phone at home. I only found it when I was sorting some washing out. Managed to get into it, at first couldn't find anything but then eventually found some deleted photos and there was a selfie of her. Nothing that bad, just her head and pulling a kiss face. Then found one of him which he obviously taken and sent whilst in bed next to me!

So I know something is going on - it could all be innocent but I don't know. I took pictures of the selfies that were on the phone to keep as evidence (as the one of her is going to be deleted from his phone soon) but I feel like I need more evidence before I say anything.

Could this just be innocent or should I prepare myself for the worst?

Doesn't matter if he turns it around on you. Don't listen to a blind word he says. Follow our own sound proofed path and end the marriage. Photos from your own bed sent to her !!!! Come on OP fucks sake. From your own bed!!!!! It doesn't get worse than that any judge (or family member) would see that. Especially with his history with her.

Personally i wouldn't need any more than what you know for sure right now. He's been communicating with her again. Enough's enough. Enough for me anyway!

I'd be hurling his stuff out the window.

Let him turn it around and blame you for going through his phone. It doesn't take away the fact that he's up to no good with this woman.

He's prioritising someone he has already had history with....

This would be evidence enough for me

What a shit.
Get rid.

You don’t need to have more ‘proof’. You know he’s betrayed you and you have to decide whether you’re going to leave him, or be fobbed of by his excuses and carry on being a fool.

He clearly is having an emotional affair at the very least. Is this the kind of relationship that you would like your dd to be in? I would go and see a solicitor with the evidence that you have and prepare to leave. He might be getting ready to leave himself so I would definitely preempt it and get your ducks in a row.

What proof are you wanting op? If this was my partner he'd be out of the door no question. I don't think you'll leave him, and he'll keep on doing this to you. Be strong and tell him to do one.

I can see why you need more "proof". My ex made me feel like I was crazy every time I brought up the other woman. IME your gut feeling is never wrong but like me, I can understand why you need to see it in black and white. I would turn detective. How does he know this other woman? How did they meet? Do you have mutual friends? It's time to go pet detective!

You'll never have peace of mind in a relationship with this man. You haven't really had peace of mind for the last six years, have you? This is no way to live, OP.

It doesn't matter if your H tries to "turn it around on you" - that's just a tactic he uses because it has worked in the past. If you decide enough is enough and follow through, there is nothing he can do to stop you.

Stay strong, OP. You can move on from this.

You don’t need more proof but it may still be prudent to keep quiet and watch. In that time get all of your paperwork in order.

When you do have the conversation you already know how it will go. Like any other liar he will try to lay the blame elsewhere. If you are to blame for him sending selfies to another woman from your bed then you probably need to make some changes and remove the temptation to go through his phone by moving it and him to the other side of the door.

Hard but you will be better for not living with a cheat.

You don’t need proof to kick him out?

Once a cheat always a cheat I’m afraid. I wouldn’t be able to live with someone I don’t trust.

I wouldn't bother confronting him if he's going to minimise and fake promise to change.
My revenge would be to get everything sorted (visit solicitor, get finances lined up, find place to live, organise moving, get 3 house valuation etc.) Then the day of the move, once you're out, email him a copy of the photo, suggested 50/50 childcare timetable and details of solicitor. He's not serious about having a happy life with you so better being separated than wasting mental energy on him.

Come on now op you know this isn't innocent ! Time to put your big girl pants on and kick this ass to the kerb asap

I’m so sorry this has happened to you. It must be very emotional and painful, but you know what to do. Get your finances and next moves in order. Then leave. You and your DD will benefit tremendously from being apart from this sort of disloyalty and negative behaviour. Good luck

What proof do you need? You agreed he would have no contact with her and you have evidence of contact, so he is withholding the truth from you. That to me would be proof enough.

Yes guilty people will try and blame the innocent person. You need to get a grip. Would you rather he cheated on you behind your back thinking he is great and getting away with it or would you rather deal with the situation? This isn't having an argument with some random person who has pissed you off in a car park, and you feel like you can't say anything to them because you don't like confrontation, this is your husband!

Of course you have proof already. There is no possible way that their communication is appropriate.

Remember you don't need him to agree with or validate your feelings about the matter - his opinion isn't the final say on how you should feel about his lack of boundaries.

You don't need proof, unless he is very sloppy you are unlikely to ever have evidence. The trust has gone. Leave with grace and dignity, you deserve much much better.

You don't need proof, you don't need reasons, you don't need to tell him what you saw, what you suspect or how you feel.

He needs to leave. You need to make him leave ; pack up his stuff, pop it on the front garden, change the locks and hurry up the process. When he wants to know why, ignore him, when he asks for answers, ignore him. You owe him precisely nothing, and nothing will devastate him more than to realise he's lost you and can't have you dancing the "please love me" dance.

You've spent such a long time with him trying to make it work. Don't invest more good years of your life when he's only ever given you a little bit of himself. Imagine wasting another 6, 12, 18 years on this bellend and still feeling the way you do right now.

What exactly do you want proof of?

That he's a twat and a shit dad? Here it is:

Our relationship has struggled since DD was arrived, mainly because DH can't seem to cope with not being centre of attention anymore and because my priorities have changed from going out all the time with him to wanting to spend time at home with DD and trying to catch up on sleep.

That he's a slimy little cheat with no repsect for you? Every line of your post tells me that.

I think you need to take power here, properly take it.

This is a second-rate man who is dragging you down. He doesn't support you, he does not make you feel loved, he has cheated before and clearly continues to interact disloyally with other women - it's only a matter of time before he 'technically' cheats again if he isn't already. Above all, he's a poor father who puts himself and his wants above the needs of his DD.

You KNOW you would be better off without him.

So forget about 'proof'. What you mean by that is, how can I build a case which will allow me to walk away? - ie, I need a cast iron reason to leave this man, I'm not allowed to just decide that he's shown himself to not be good enough. I need to convince HIM I've got a good enough reason otherwise I know DH will turn it around to me and all he will do is complain that I went through his phone.

In other words, DH is 'in charge' of this relationship. I need to get him bang to rights or my decision won't be good enough, and I'll have to stay.

Fuck that!!

Take that power. You can leave this man simply because you want to. Because he's not good enough and you don't love him, and that's his fault.

'DH, it's over. I don't love you and I don't want to be with you any more.'

Don't even tell him about going through his phone. What business is that of his? He is dismissed. There is no argument to be had. He's been judged on many elements of his behaviour and found completely wanting, so he is gone.

Yes he will rant and rave, then plead, then rant and rave some more, demand reasons (you, blandly - 'I'm so sorry, I guess my love for you has just been eroded over the years, but there's no point in dragging all that up now.') - Then he'll threaten to take your child away - 'I'm going for 50/50 custody!!!' (You: 'Oh that will be wonderful, I was afraid you wouldn't want to give your full support, that's great, we will both need time child-free to build new lives and relationships so 50/50 is exactly what I want' - Him: 'Fuck off you bitch I'm not babysitting so you can go fuck other men, you'll be having custody!' - You - sweeeet :) ) And rinse and repeat that a few times and then he will fuck off and you will be free.

Are you happy? Are you modelling a good relationship to your DC? Can you envisage the next 30/40/50 years of living your life like this, will you think you’ve lived a good life when you look back on your years with your DP or will you regret that you didn’t enjoy life more?

You don’t need proof to say you’ve had enough and that you don’t want to carry on with DP. He’s checked out of the relationship. You can check out too, why put yourself through all this angst knowing he isn’t thatinto you and is only with you, for what? Security, to pretend to others that he’s a family man, to avoid the upset and dfficulty of divorcing you, because he knows he’s be like this with anyone so it may as well be with you?

This, from Fizzy is excellent. Listen to her!

So forget about 'proof'. What you mean by that is, how can I build a case which will allow me to walk away? - ie, I need a cast iron reason to leave this man, I'm not allowed to just decide that he's shown himself to not be good enough. I need to convince HIM I've got a good enough reason otherwise I know DH will turn it around to me and all he will do is complain that I went through his phone.

Sorry you're going through this, OP, and yes you have ll the proof you need and you just need to be strong and walk away. Not being centre of attention any more - what an arse.

On another note: I've seen this thing before about men taking their phone into the shower. How is that even possible? Do they put it in a ziplock bag or something??

Honey, how innocent can it be when he previously send this girl explicit messages? What possible innocence is there in a man sending selfies to a woman he previously sexted? He has no excuse at all for being in any kind of contact with her. Even if nothing else has happened he is still being so disrespectful.