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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU mil buying ds an iPad?

87 replies

Weebeastiebaby · 18/06/2018 14:56

Ds is soon turning 3 years old. I allow him to watch some YouTube (nursery rhyme) videos on the smart tv and very occasionally play games on my phone. MIL does the bulk of our childcare for free for which I am VERY grateful as otherwise I could not afford to work. I know she’s lets him use the iPad when she babysits him and he has massive tantrums when the iPad is removed from him. I’ve also watched him be really zombie-like when on it. Oblivious to everything else going on, not communicating etc. I know not all kids are like this when using technology but my ds is. I therefore have decided not to buy him a tablet to use at home and allow him to use it at MILs as a treat. I made no secret of the fact I’m not keen on him using the iPad due to his behaviour but didn’t tell her not to allow him to use it.
However Dh has just told me that his mum plans to buy ds an iPad for his birthday. AIBU to feel like she’s deliberately undermining me? Im not controlling over any other aspect of his care while she has him but this has really annoyed me. I feel she’s doing it just to make me look bad as I am going to have to be the one to take it away from him or get rid of it. She also always buys ridiculously expensive presents when she knows dh and I can’t afford that kind of thing meaning his ‘biggest’ present is always from MIL and not from us.

I know I’m being U as it is very kind of MIL to want to buy ds gifts and she wants him to enjoy them but I can’t help feeling like my parenting is being undermined here.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 18/06/2018 18:14

Lots of ways around using it but OP doesn't want him to at all

2blueshoes · 18/06/2018 19:30

I don't think she's undermining you if you haven't told her of your dislike of his over use of it.

If she's a frequent free child minder, I'd step carefully as, though she's his gran, it's not nice to feel someone is taking you for granted.

I agree about the zombie aspect, I've seen how it affects toddlers ad ultimately, you set the rules, just chose your wording right, imo, don't go in to it saying "you're undermining me".

IceBearRocks · 18/06/2018 19:50

I'd take the iPad and limit it's use. That will be a lesson he learns.

I had a friend and thier child had never used an iPad or computer.

They certainly had no idea when using programmes such as Mathletics or Spellingdrome at school or home.

iPads are used as wearing tools in school!

Cheeseandcrisps · 18/06/2018 20:02

Just ask her not to. You shouldn't be using anyone for childcare who you don't feel comftable speaking to about boundaries. Me and my own mil have just had this discussion and I put it across to her that I only use people I feel comftable having these discussions with whether it's free or paid for childcare you're still the parent. I wouldn't allow this but then i set very clear boundries after I was walked over the first year of dds life and now have a great relationship with all the people that used to make me feel out of control.

BoomBoomsCousin · 18/06/2018 20:03

So you won't be able to enforce time limits well because your DH has no problem with your DS spending all his time zombied out on an iPad? Sounds like your parenting might be more undermined by him than by your MiL.

Sparrowlegs248 · 18/06/2018 20:20

He'll get over the tantrums. Don't let that be the reason you say no. I've been toying with the idea of a tablet for ds1 birthday, he is nearly 3. I've decided against it , I've never been a fan of too much technology. He uses my phone occasionally but knows it's mine and switches it off when I ask him to.

I would tell her that you don't want him to have one yet. When he's old enough (school may be?) Then she can buy one. If she buys it anyway then use it yourself.

SleepingStandingUp · 18/06/2018 20:42

He'll get over the tantrums see I wonder about this at this particular age. Ds is allowed my phone / tablet when I really need to distract him, he will hand it back like a good boy but then gets really upset when he realises it's gone. If I let him play at home he'd sit in trance like concentration on youtube toddler crap or his educational games. Again, he'll hand it over on request but gets hysterical so I vow to not give it him for a month to see if he's anu better when he's older but I wonder if im better perservering with the boundary and letting him have 20 minutes three times a week say and sucking up the tanteum

RibenaMonsoon · 18/06/2018 20:51

Perhaps approach it from a different angle.
I would speak to your DH about what a lovely idea it is. What a generous present.
Will definitely take her up on the offer in a few years when he's old enough for one. For now could he perhaps suggest alternative presents that would be better suited to DS as he won't get a lot of use out of it when hes so young, which would be a tremendous shame since she went to so much expense.

Perhaps it will help get your DH on side.

Allthewaves · 18/06/2018 20:57

I'd take it and let him have it for 30mins a day. Sit with him and get him to do some educational apps. There's some great ones out there. (The u can use it on a night)

Ohmydayslove · 18/06/2018 21:10

Mmmmm so your mil does lots of free childcare for you and is maybe finding it tough so feels she needs the iPad to act as a babysitter help.

I think if you want to call the shots you should pay for proper childcare.

I totally agree with you it’s unnecessary but maybe she’s finding it a bit tough now. Toddlers are hard work.

I have my grandchildren 2 days a week and deffo couldn’t do more.

I think you need to explore other childcare options.

Original poster
Weebeastiebaby · 18/06/2018 21:31

Ohmydayslove He has an iPad at MILs house. I know he uses it there and I don’t have a problem as I know it’s expecting a lot from her and understand her need to use it. I’ve mentioned upthread about how MIL has a lot on her plate also. I just don’t want the iPad at my house. She wants to buy him his own iPad to have at home. That’s what I am conflicted about.

OP posts:
Original poster
Weebeastiebaby · 18/06/2018 21:33

Also, DH and I both work until late in the evening (9-10pm) There are no other childcare options.

OP posts:
allthatmalarkey · 19/06/2018 07:45

I'd have the same initial reaction as you. However, he is using a iPad when he's at hers - which might be when she'd like to use it and can't, so she might like him to have it for then. They are v useful to have for long car journeys and I'd see no problem with you using it whilst he's asleep. Maybe let her buy it, but before she does very gently and sympathetically say 'you know we won't let him use it very much as it goes against all the advice? Are you sure want to spend so much?'.

Underparmummy · 19/06/2018 11:47

You need some other childcare. Of course there are other options - local students looking for evening work?

nellieellie · 19/06/2018 11:52

No, no, no. iPad at 3 is NOT on. The brain is developing, learning basic skills like interacting with people, learning about the world, touch, texture etc. You will have real problems down the line with focus, concentration, social skills, impulse control if you go down this route. You won’t even be there to monitor.

mtpicasso · 19/06/2018 11:54

I wouldn't dream of buying my DGC an iPad without checking if their parents were ok with it. If they said no, then that's fine, it's their child. It's not my decision to make.

Just be firm and say you don't want him to have an iPad. Just say thank you, but no.

codswallopandbalderdash · 19/06/2018 12:26

Personally I think your MIL is being v unreasonable. She should be asking you what is a suitable gift. And I would be insisting limited iPad use at her house. DS used an iPad at nursery for certain things but not all the time.

And if she buys an iPad anyway say you are putting it away for your son as he is too young and if she moans, say that you did offer alternative ideas but she chose to buy it anyway.

Sparrowlegs248 · 19/06/2018 12:26

@SleepingStandingUp. I'm only talking from my experience of one child tbf, but I found giving him prior warning, and talking to him about what he was looking at for a few minutes, then "we'll switch the phone off and ........." works best. Ds is 3 next month and gets great satisfaction from the praise when he switches it off and hands it back himself. I know all children are different though!

Sparrowlegs248 · 19/06/2018 12:27

What mean is, he did have tantrums but we've mostly got past it now.

Rockhopper81 · 19/06/2018 15:01

A tablet of their own at 3 is - in my opinion - totally unnecessary. As you say, your MIL letting him use one at hers is one thing, especially with so much else going on (foster children, nephew etc.), but I think you’re well within your rights to say you don’t want it at home. Your husband should be backing you up with this, or else providing a good reason behind why he thinks it’s okay for him to have one.

That being said, I wouldn’t buy an iPad for a child anyway - it’s an awful lot of money and they need to know that it needs treating with care. My nephew has an Amazon Fire tablet - £50, his account is controlled by his mum (it’s in age bands, so he can’t access anything inappropriate - he can’t even use a web browser on it in his age band), it has set hours when it will work, and he has a limited amount of total time each day he can use it (after which he can’t access it anymore). He knows this, and is fine with it. This might - when you’re ready for him to have a tablet, when he’s older - be a route to go down to limit his usage, as he just won’t be able to use it when his time is up.

Original poster
Weebeastiebaby · 19/06/2018 15:09

Thanks everyone for your views on this. I think I ANBU about limiting iPad use. I just need to figure out how to say to MIL and dh that I don’t agree with him having an iPad for his own use.. without causing a fallout

OP posts:
bonbonours · 19/06/2018 19:08

As far as setting limits is concerned get an app with a timer so it won't work after 30 minutes or whatever. Then it's not you taking it away, the device itself just stops working. They seem to accept that better. There are plenty of fun educational apps for a three year old that you can use with him so it doesn't have to be solitary. Eg a peppa pig app will involve finding different colours or matching pairs which is more interactive than passively watching peppa pig on TV.

Alibongo0001 · 19/06/2018 19:11

I'd accept it, and thank your MIL. You're 3 yr old will soon be at school (sorry) and the iPad will come in handy for the homework they have. My DD is in reception and, although not compulsory, some of the homework is on the tablet. Apps to help them learn to read or count. I resisted at first but then gave in and the apps are great. My DS loves using the iPad for her homework - and actually sits and concentrated on her 'learning'.

Somersetlady · 19/06/2018 20:18

My aunt offered to buy our then 1 and 3 year old a tablet. We declined politely.

My sister who had a 3 and 7yo accepted.

No offence was taken by my Aunt.

I would have thought this was standard practise when buying gifts of this nature?

Oly5 · 19/06/2018 21:30

Far too young.
I barely let my six-year-old on the iPad. The long-term effects of prolonged use and the effect on children’s mental health is unclear