AIBU mil buying ds an iPad?

[Weebeastiebaby]

Ds is soon turning 3 years old. I allow him to watch some YouTube (nursery rhyme) videos on the smart tv and very occasionally play games on my phone. MIL does the bulk of our childcare for free for which I am VERY grateful as otherwise I could not afford to work. I know she’s lets him use the iPad when she babysits him and he has massive tantrums when the iPad is removed from him. I’ve also watched him be really zombie-like when on it. Oblivious to everything else going on, not communicating etc. I know not all kids are like this when using technology but my ds is. I therefore have decided not to buy him a tablet to use at home and allow him to use it at MILs as a treat. I made no secret of the fact I’m not keen on him using the iPad due to his behaviour but didn’t tell her not to allow him to use it.
However Dh has just told me that his mum plans to buy ds an iPad for his birthday. AIBU to feel like she’s deliberately undermining me? Im not controlling over any other aspect of his care while she has him but this has really annoyed me. I feel she’s doing it just to make me look bad as I am going to have to be the one to take it away from him or get rid of it. She also always buys ridiculously expensive presents when she knows dh and I can’t afford that kind of thing meaning his ‘biggest’ present is always from MIL and not from us.

I know I’m being U as it is very kind of MIL to want to buy ds gifts and she wants him to enjoy them but I can’t help feeling like my parenting is being undermined here.

Accept the gift politely. Use it as a family asset. It's up to you to set rules around DS's use of it. Perhaps download some educational games and play with it with.

It's up to you to set rules around DS's use of it.

The issue is that the OP's MIL does the bulk of the childcare for her ds and lets him have the iPad whenever he wants it. So no rules around his use of it at all.

besides the point of your child using it too much (children use screens as much as you allow) or your MIL undermining you - What 3 year old needs an Ipad really so many, simpler, child proof tablet type toys available that would do the job. Ipads are so unnecessary for children

It's all very well saying it's up to you to set rules and give him time limits. The problem arises in enforcing the rules ie the pleading, bargaining, tantrums and sulking that follow enforcement of the rules.

Now I realise this is MN and of course loads of posters will insist that their dc self regulate and quite happily put the iPad down when their allotted time is up, skipping off with a smile to play in the garden/build lego/read a book . I can honestly say I don't know anyone in RL who doesn't have constant battles with enforcing time limits. Siblings, friends and colleagues from various backgrounds, this comes up a lot in conversation (lots of parents of primary aged and younger dc) and they all concede that their dc are on them a lot more than they'd like and that it's one of the main battles in their homes.

I just don't see why the OP should have to bother herself setting time limits on something she doesn't want her child to have in the first place. He's three. She's the parent and thinks an iPad is unnecessary for his development and enjoyment. End of story, really.

I agree Peng, in the OP's shoes I would letting MIL know that the iPad was out of bounds.

Our two are not allowed the ipad or phones because their behaviour goes up the wall afterwards. TV is okay, I think because the screen is not 5cm from their face just say you're happy for him to have screen time at her house but as a result he gets none at home so it might be a waste of money.

I think that either way I come out of this looking like a bad guy.

1. I say to MIL please don’t buy ds an iPad as I don’t want him to have it. She flies off handle, dh and I fall out, am now without childcare and unable to work etc etc.
2. I take iPad, say thanks and don’t let ds have it. Dh and MIL Lets ds have it. Ds asks me for iPad, I say no. Ds has tantrum. I feel shit.
3. I let ds have iPad for short periods. Ds doesn’t understand time limits. I take iPad away. Ds has tantrum. I feel shit. Ds cries, baby cries, I cry.

I wouldn't accept it then put it away for him until he's (much) older.

Would not wouldn't!

Can you suggest it stays at her house?

There is already an iPad at her house which he uses. I don’t have a problem with that. I think she’d be offended by that anyway.

Well, you're the bad guy either way you might as well get what you want at the same time. No point being the bad guy if you don't get your own way!

I’d be tempted at accept it to keep the peace but put clear boundaries around when he can use it and for how long. Her boundaries around them maybe different in her house but you have control around how much he uses it at yours

I’d accept it with enthusiasm and use it for whatever you want and allow your ds to use it as little as you like . The bottom line is you cannot control what your MIL allows when she is the main carer and unless you plan to move to alternative childcare that’s how it is . As for the ‘big’ presents coming from other people , who cares . Your ds has to learn that he cannot have what he wants all the time and you have to deal with the tantrums until he gets it .

The issue also is I feel she has done it just to prove to everyone what a horrible parent I am. When I don’t allow ds to use it she will say “see! I told you weebeastie was too hard on him!” She always has something to say about me being strict with ds about bedtime, snacks, behaviour etc x

Some PIL and parents can be like that. Just be firm. You're his mum.

What does he like to use the iPad for? My four year old DS has my old iPad for Reading Eggs. Could you explain to your DS that this new special iPad ‘only does’ a particular app?

I suppose you - and your husband - need to decide whether or not the issues with your ds and the use of the iPad are enough of a concern to both of you that it warrants you deciding to no longer have him cared for by MIL. It sounds to me as if you are well aware of the issues that exist and are doing your best to limit it. Your husband and his mother on the other hand sound like they don't give a shit about your toddler boy's wellbeing and development....What you do about that is another thing entirely. I don't envy you.

Bloody hell, what a massive overreaction.

Look, if No 1 in your list is a real possibility then surely you have bigger issues than an iPad . Would your MIL really refuse to have him any longer because she wasn't allowed to dictate this? If that's the case then you all might well be better off without her influence on your child although I suspect there'd be an element of cutting off her nose to spite her face as lots of gps actually want to spend time with their gdc.

Are you seriously saying DH would side with her in that situation, knowing this meant you couldn't work? I'm assuming you work two jobs because you need to and not for fun?

If she's as scheming and manipulative as you're describing here then this is just the start of it, unfortunately there have been many threads on MN from posters who are "you" years down the line and it's not pretty! Now is the time to decide how much involvement this woman is going to have in your day to day lives. You need boundaries.

he will throw tantrums when limits are enforced

That's the whole point. He'll soon learn. You don't prevent tantrums by cutting off the modern world. You enforce limits, teach them how to grow emotionally, then the tantrums die out.

Youre right that you need to limit the use of ipad. Including screen time at MILs. You can get an app which adults can override but enforces a time limit on a device. If he has his own ipad then he can use screen time for the day or week up at MILs then none at home. Tv counts towards screen time.

I think overuse of ipad is a mistake most parents make at one time or another. When they are aggresive about having it remived id go cold turkey for a while then introduce more sensible limits.

Might also be timely to get your ds into sone otger childcare as well as it doesn't sound like your MIL is coping well with him if she is relying heavily on the i-nanny.

Think about it. How much tv/screen time do you or other parents you know let their young dc have? Minimal right? Just because hes with family doesnt mean rules get relaxed.

Say thanks - i have been wanting an i pad for ages - i might let ds go on it from time to time

iPads have an accessibility function
It locks the pad to X app for T time which you set - it them switches off

No need for you to be the bad guy

Just saying - I don't think she should buy it either