Apologies if this is a bit rambling, but I had an argument with DH last night, and it has left me reeling a bit.
We had just come back from a weekend away, at a very nice country resort. Had a very nice time and came back pretty tired. So we were relaxing on the sofa last night, and DH brings up a recent story in the news about a female football pundit getting a “round of applause” from a male pundit (google it if you haven’t read it...I am rubbish at adding links 😆) and the obvious social media furore it caused. He said he thought everyone was overreacting and needed to “calm down now”, I disagreed and also felt the clapping and comments were patronising from the male pundit. I also pointed out that, ok maybe everyone was getting very heated on social media, but what dh needed to grasp was that this is an example of something women face EVERY DAY, so seeing it on a public forum, and a massive global news network, might spark some fairly strong feelings!
At this point he said I was now patronising HIM, and he could understand perfectly well the significance of it, but that people were still over reacting. Basically now this conversation had descended into a full on bunfight and I reminded him of all the shit women put up with (including my own experiences) on a daily basis. To level the playing field dh then said “well, it works both bloody ways you know!”. So, to address the balance of sexist experiences, to give me some insight into the male struggle he gave this example....
Wait for it....
Now, don’t get too upset ladies with a delicate disposition...
Once...when he was out running, a drunk woman...yes, a WOMAN, came out of a pub as he ran past and told him he had a “nice arse”.
Seriously. This is how he justified the “ it works both ways” argument. I then recounted a few examples of my own experiences of misogyny and sexism (the usual, we all know) and rather than feeling shocked or upset, he said “well, I have lost business because women have used their tits to get what they want”. Hmm.
I then said that, firstly maybe these women you speak of have learnt that the only way to get noticed in his industry is to exploit their looks, or maybe, just maybe they might actually be better than him and won the business on their own merit...that maybe the fact that they are attractive (or have tits) is just totally, fucking irrelevant!!! I now just tell him to simply Fuck off, which offends him. I say that he has told me to fuck off before, he’s just upset that this time I said it first.
This is followed up by dh saying things like “you have no idea what you’re talking about”, “you don’t understand “ and all that crap. I am left downstairs in tears, thinking “what don’t I understand? Being a woman? Dealing with sexism? Being judged by my gender? Missing out on stuff because I’m female?”
Dh husband has just taken my anger away and used it for himself!!! He’s nicked feminism off me!!!! I’m fuming!!!!!
So I get up this morning, still angry. I totally admit I was stomping around and wouldn’t speak to him. He says (sarcastically) “ nice to see your feeling so contrite this morning”.
WTAF !!!
Am I BU to tell him to go fuck himself? I feel like strutting around the house wearing a red dress and white hood, just so he feels the balance has been redressed. Why is he doing this? Why is it he can’t simply accept that it doesn’t simply “work both ways”? I am so sick of my anger being diluted and being made to feel that, just because I have a successful career and access to toilets, san pro, health care etc, that I don’t have the right to feel that life is not balanced, that I shouldn’t feel the same anger that there are women out there who don’t have the opportunities that I have? AIBU to think my dh cannot call himself a feminist?