To be annoyed by people who always insist on hosting?

[bbqfan]

So everything has been discussed and decided among a group of people to go out. Then someone drops the "or we could do it at mine?"
No - then it's not going out!
DP thinks it's a control thing.
Don't mind if they are throwing a party for an occasion they've decided on but this feels like hijacking!

I hate going out, I don't like crowds people or noise or lights because of chronic migraines so I don't even pretend I will go out. I much prefer to host because I enjoy cooking and baking and am happy to provide what people need, dairy free gluten free, vegan, veggie etc. However I'm veggie (and a very unfussy veggie at that)and very few of my friends return the favour and often I go hungry at other people's.

I agree with you OP.

I have a sister in law who wants every get to get her to be in her house - I think she wants to control the event. And she wants to be seen as having a wonderful home, etc.

A few times is lovely but not all the time. Any discussion about a meal out turns into her saying it 'would be easier' for everyone to come to hers for takeaway. Christmas celebrations have to be at her house. Bbqs have to be at hers.

I've invited them to our house loads and they've only been once in the past two years whereas we've been to their house about 10 times in that time.

So yes I have replied to say we'd rather still go out. It has upset the "hostess". Money isn't the issue here but if it was, the rest of us have also booked baby sitters so...
Going out is very different from going to someone's house! We've been looking forward to a night out, everyone dressing up, going to meal, pub, bars. Yes so very different vibe. Agree with PP about meeting other people - nights out are when new stories are made to be told!
It is more comfortable and possible easier to go round someone willing to host. But this wasn't the plan and it's just someone deciding that it should now to be at their house. Everyone is too polite to decline.
If someone decided to host a gathering and invite people, that's lovely. We've been to many parties and bbqs at theirs. This just seems like a wash out.
It's become a bit awkward as offering to host is a nice thing so whoever complains will seem a bit mean.
And I agree with the pp who said when it's at their house, it's their rules their timing - definitely a control thing.

It's all in HOW you offer to host, IMO (and I invite people round a lot). You can say "OR we could have it at mine! What do you think?" or you can say "I'm happy to host, but would understand if people want to go properly OUT out ;)". Very different messages there, IMO.

Upset her how - what's she said? I couldn't be bothered with that at all.

Yes exactly. We got the "or we could have it at mine"
Couldn't exactly say "no thanks!"

I think you can say no thanks. I don't see what's impolite about saying you'd rather go out this time.

Could you try softening the blow with a 'maybe we could come around to yours on another occasion but we were trying to organise this as an outing to a restaurant/pub/club/whatever because we haven't been out for ages and really fancy being properly out for a change... If you don't want to go out, for whatever reason, that's fine, but it seems very unfair to get upset with us for not wanting to spend an evening in at your house, when we have been planning and looking forward to an evening out...'

Do you know how many of the others want to go to this person vs want to go out vs those who want to go out but will go to other person as they are worried about repercussions?

In this case it does sound as though it's hijacking or controlling the evening, rather than throwing alternatives into the ideas pot when everybody is still wondering what to do.

Can't she suggest the event is held at hers during the negotiations? I take it she is included in the planning stage? If so, why on earth does she wait until it's all settled and people are looking forward to it and then want to change the plans of a bunch of people?

you can arrive/leave when you want

You can do this at someone's house, you're not an indentured servant

You arrive when youre invited surely

You arrive when youre invited surely
indeed
plus you have to help in the kitchen, you have to help with the clearing up, sometimes you have to take off your shoes.
I really like diner parties, but sometimes it's nice to go to a place where you don't do anything and just enjoy yourself.

I have a friend like this. I don't think she means to be controlling, it's just that EVERY PLAN we ever make as a group is followed up with "or you could all come to mine" or if it's a definite definite night out she will always suggest a different venue. Every time. It's like she doesn't trust any of us to choose a place to go that's up to her standards. It's lovely that she wants to see us all, but it's every single time any event is planned it gets derailed.

@sockunicorn
Is exactly right. If you want to host offer BEFORE hand. So now the “ host” is upset?! This is totally passive aggressive.
If you love to host, plan a date and unite people over. Don’t wait until somewlse has organised the date, got all the people in board and then jump in and take over/ offer to host.

There’s room in life for both, I enjoy going to friends’ houses but equally enjoy going out-out! They are two different experiences and if plans were changed after making arrangements to go out, or if this happened all the time (the offer to host) then yes I’d find that annoying.

I also have another friend who constantly tries to change venues (usually to somewhere more convenient to them/expensive (they have more spare cash)) even if she wasn’t originally invited - grrr! Have got a lot better at just saying ‘no thanks, we really fancied going to X tonight, maybe we can go to the place you suggested next time)’

.... Someone's you have to take off your shoes

Much easier in very close group to host and ask and close friends will say no fancy getting out.

But with different level friends it's a mine field going to someone's house, once someone bitched as host she wasn't asked what her favourite chair was, so guests didn't know and dared sit in the it

Bloody mine field and night out with shoes off isn't night out to me.

I like going to others’ houses but I also like hosting. Dh and I have friends though that only like to host. It pisses me off a bit tbh as I like to do my share and I worry that I may seem grabby due to the one-sidedness. It almost becomes too awkward to ask them around as I can sense them squirming our excuses not to and that too makes me feel like I’m doing something wrong. Why can’t people just be simple as let us reciprocate

It's cheaper, I make food for people and in return I don't have to get a taxi home. It's £6 for a pint by me or 8 cans for £8 at the shop.

If you like to host, organise a time and date. It’s cheeky to change plans with an invitation like that, especially to take offense if people say no.

It'd be the last-minute attempt to change the plan that would annoy me the most in that scenario, but also, I really don't enjoy socialising at people's houses. It's just not as stimulating as a rule, people don't seem to make the same effort with conversation, and if they've just decorated or done home improvements that tends to ends up dictating the topic. Plus with some people, if their children are still up, the whole evening ends up revolving around them so you don't even get to have a proper adult conversation. Well, that seems to be the way with people I know, anyway. Perhaps I'm mixing in the wrong circles. lol

Also not a fan of sitting with my shoes off all evening!

I agree that an “aggressive hosting” phenomenon exists. It exists especially in certain cultures and ranges from someone always wanting to cook or provide drinks for others and have people eat their food and streams of dinner parties and events at their house, to always offering their house as a venue even for things that are wildly inappropriate to do at home.

It’s an attention and control thing.

Because it’s so much part of my culture I can never relate to the threads in here which say things like ”why does my friend never invite me to things? Why does this person not socially reciprocate? Cheeky fucker wants me to host again.”

Just never happens to me!

Both nights at someone's house and nights out are nice, but it is a PITA when someone consistently overrides everyone else's plans (whether that's the person who always wants to socialise in their own home, or the person who always wants to go clubbing or to places that are noisy/expensive). If you want to dance, or listen to a live band, or, you know, have the opportunity of meeting completely new people, exchanging your planned night on the town for sitting in someone's house with the same group of friends is not as appealing. Just as, if you can't afford bar prices/gig entry fees and don't like loud music or crowds, being coaxed to join a 'proper night out' instead of either hosting dinner or being hosted is no fun.
A good friendship group can usually manage a mix of both. If it's always the same person insisting on having their own way, then there's a problem with the group, who either need to stand up to this person or split into smaller groups and do what suits them.

ReanimatedSGB totally agree.

Are they good hosts? If so I think you're being U. You can always decline and do your own thing.

I find going out a hassle. Parking or booking taxis, noisy restaurants with a wait for tables, someone is always late etc.

YANBU

I do enjoy going to people's houses when that was the plan all along, i.e. they initiated the invite for a meal, drinks, game or whatever.

But it can be annoying when a different sort of evening was proposed and then someone hijacks it and turns it in to something completely different and everyone feels they can't object.

I agree it may be a control thing. At least the only person I experienced this with I am pretty sure it was. This was in a group I socialised with many years ago but hardly see now (some other Mum's when DD in primary). One mum in particular saw herself as the "group leader" I think and liked to organise all the get togethers and social events.

One time another of the mums asked if anyone wanted to go out for an Indian meal. We all said yes (about 5 or 6 in the group). Anyway this mum was about to book the table when "group leader" mum (let's call her GL) said "Oh tell you what, come to mine instead and we will order an Indian takeaway" She then distributed menus so everyone could choose and basically took over the organisation.

When we got to her house it wasn't just the original group but also her DH and another couple of their friends she had decided to invite. The whole dynamic of the evening changed and of course a takeaway was nowhere near as nice as the meal we would have had.

Didn't stay in touch with GL for long after that