MIL and FIL want to babysit

[twinkletwinklelittlerainbow]

My daughter is 4 and a half months old, and my mother and father in law who I absolutely adore, want to look after her overnight.

They often hint and offer, to which we decline or say 'maybe one day soon' but I feel awful as if I'm keeping her from them the more they ask.

We see them regularly, they just absolutely adore her and LOVE caring for their grandchildren (DD is our first but they have a grandson who is 3 who they mind regularly)

I just don't feel like I need the break from her, and have no doubts that they'd do an amazing job, I'm just not ready.

Can I keep politely declining? I still think 4 months is really young! (She has stayed at my mams but my mam 'knows' her as well as I do, she practically moved in with us when she was born) but even then I can't fully relax.

I guess I just feel as though they think I think they're not good enough which really isn't the case.

Thanks x

Ok OP I'm with you on that then. I would reiterate that you don't want tap water used to rinse sterilised bottles. Could you send the bottles already made up?

It wouldn't be punishing as such I think that's a bit harsh. Like i said it's only been a couple of times and no plans for her to stay with DM again yet.

You do know you can simply say no? She is your dc, they have had their dc and now it's your turn. Being a gp is a privilege not a right and some folk forget that imo!
There is no need to allow your dc to be a play thing!!

4 months is very young still. You have 6 months until you go back to work so you don't have to do anything just yet. You don't have to give your baby to people just because they ask for her. If you want her to stay with them when you go back to work then start doing daytime childcare later in the summer and build up to evenings and nights so you'll be ready in November.

So can you talk to pils can you say.. Please don't use tap water etc...

I know with my own dp there was easier dialogue.. If I asked df to wash hands for instance... With new born in middle of norivirus storm. He would thank me for reminding him and happily wash them.
My pils would recoil and take that as personal insult. I feel far less happy allowing pils to have my dc when I can't talk to them or say anything.

I don't think you're being unreasonable - the baby is only 4 months old for goodness sake, she doesn't need sleepovers at the moment, she just needs mummy. If you say you don't want her away overnight then that should be the end of it. I'm sure when she's older then you will feel less anxious about her staying overnight (IF that's what you're happy with), and, it will be more enjoyable for them rather than a baby waking them throughout the night/ early morning.

FWIW mine are 4 and 7 and never had a sleepover at either grandparents. One lives 10 minutes away, so not really needed, the other 60 miles or so and we all go and stay there together.

Why does it have to while she's so little?

I made an effort to leave my DS 1 & 2 with my in-laws, they were really good grandparents and a lot of help when DS2 got ill. So I'd say it's worth making sure DD is happy with either set of grandparents.

Well I don't think think what you do and want to do with your own dm should have any bearing on what you do with pils.

I'm not bear gc stage yet but I would be upset if I did everything right for my dds as grandma ie be a respectful, not pushy,, be there when needed but not make it all about me and so on, then be held at arms length because the other gc felt they didn't see baby enough!!

I have a son and I would be really upset if the il's got to babysit my grandchild but not me.
I would understand if his wife wasn't ready to leave the child but if she already has with her own mum then I would be offended.
I'm a good mum. I've managed really well to bring up 3 dc and 2 of those have complex needs so I am very capable. It would hurt op I'm not going to lie.

Great thanks everyone,

Some of the responses are making me feel a bit shit so I'm going to hide it for now (not sure how to remove)

I feel like a daytime will be the best thing to start with

If you you have pils who do things slightly wrong but are really happy to be updated as it were then you are very very lucky. Open dialogue.. Being able to say.. Please don't do that etc is fabulous.

But I feel four months is far too old. Gradually rope them in when you feel moreover ready and certainly don't feel guilty now.

Far to young that should say.

At that age they should only really stay elsewhere to suit you - so if you don't need overnights don't feel you have to hand her over.
Just think how it looks in general terms to them and your partner I think is all people are saying

Bloody hell. I have 3 boys. I have raised them in a perfectly adequate (fab) manner. I would be devastated when they are older and have kids that I can't babysit because I am merely the mother of the grandchild's father than the mother of the mother!!!!

Why is it different? Please explain.

Blaa it depends though doesn't it on your relationship with the babies mother. Luckily in this case it doesn't sound like there are any issues... But I wouldn't want to have a four month old over night unless I was needed too regardless on which in law I was.

It's surely obvious the mum is closer to her own mum and would be on the same page?

One hopes no posters here would be pressuring a first time mum to have a four month old baby for sleep overs.

I certainly wouldn't dream of it, be it dd or a dil. And it would seem perfectly obvious that a new mum would be happier with her own mum around her more than her Mil.. In many cases, not all?.

Jesus Christ. I'm not saying that they'll never babysit, they will! I just feel like at the moment I don't want them to. Yes I'm closer to my own mum by a million miles and I know that I could tell her anything and she wouldn't be offended, I've never been in this situation before so not sure how PIL would take it should I have to confront them about something

Why not just tell them it's kind of them to offer, but you don't feel the need yet and will let them know when you do?

The most I ever left either of mine at that age was literally a couple of hours while shopping, and that was very rare. I remember taking dd1 at 3 with me, leaving very little dd2 with Dh, and saying to dd1 that we had to go home now, for dd2.
'Yes,' she said, at full volume in M&S, , 'because Daddy hasn't got any milk in his bosoms!.

I have a 4 month old and same situation, see in laws once a week but they want to have baby alone to bond, haven't even left baby with husband yet so I keep saying no which has led to MIL picking up baby and going into another room whenever we visit... I don't get this parents needing to be alone with baby for a relationship? I wasnt alone with my grandma til I was 6!

but you are blatantly favouring your mum thats the point

I havnt left her with DH yet either, in all honesty I trust my DM more, not saying he isn't great because he is, he will even admit it himself that he's still a bit frightened! We see PIL more than once a week they're always welcome at our house, on some weeks we'll see them more than DM because she still works.

I think some people are just confused that you let your mum have her overnight but not PILs OP and that it must have crossed PILs minds too.

GreatDuckCookery yes in a nutshell

I'm sure your husband feels great that you trust your mum with your child more than you trust him, her father.

I imagine your inlaws are hurt that you'll leave your baby with your mum and not them. I don't blame them.

I think you'll have to be a bit more assertive or they'll keep asking.

I'd say 'I think under 1 is too young, shall we think about it when she's a toddler?' or something along those lines.