MIL and FIL want to babysit

[twinkletwinklelittlerainbow]

My daughter is 4 and a half months old, and my mother and father in law who I absolutely adore, want to look after her overnight.

They often hint and offer, to which we decline or say 'maybe one day soon' but I feel awful as if I'm keeping her from them the more they ask.

We see them regularly, they just absolutely adore her and LOVE caring for their grandchildren (DD is our first but they have a grandson who is 3 who they mind regularly)

I just don't feel like I need the break from her, and have no doubts that they'd do an amazing job, I'm just not ready.

Can I keep politely declining? I still think 4 months is really young! (She has stayed at my mams but my mam 'knows' her as well as I do, she practically moved in with us when she was born) but even then I can't fully relax.

I guess I just feel as though they think I think they're not good enough which really isn't the case.

Thanks x

I am just thinking that it is likely you will need back up for your Mam should anything go awry or she needs to go away etc. I think that care during the day sounds like a good plan for now - just leave her for an afternoon - at first it is strange but you will get used to it, I never had the luxury of leaving DD with MIL as she was late 70's when she was born and wasn't too well herself so couldn't really cope very well. She is however still going strong and wants DD13 to go down and see her for a London adventure! Not sure what that will involve!

They have had opportunity yes, she knows who they are and we see them a lot.

They have had her for an hour or so before, not a full day.

They probably would be willing to have her a lot but it's just not needed yet

If your Mam wasn’t having her I would agree with your statement it’s too soon but it’s still your partners parents and their grandchild

No, she is 4 months old and when she was born my DM was an amazing help, they were too, but in a different way. I had a lot of anxiety and I know that my DM is on the same page as me. There has been a couple of things that I had to mention to MIL when we've been at there house that leave me feeling a bit anxious, but I know it hasn't been done on purpose and she would absolutely listen to my wishes.

I get anxious over night with DD myself so I wouldn't find it relaxing if she stayed there but I agree days are different so we will try that.

I didn't leave mine with anyone overnight until he was over a year.

Now, he regularly stays with my mum and sometimes my sister at 3.5.

The fact that you've let her stay with your mum but not your PIL would suggest that there is some reason why?

I don't understand anyone would want to take a tiny baby away from its parents over night if they aren't comfortable with it.
The first time my son was away from me over night he was 14mo and he was in his own house (DH & I at hotel).

DD is nearly 4 and I still won't allow her to stay overnight at PILs. They babysit in evenings at our house and take DD out for the day. 4 months is still very young. I just dont see the need. We live very close to PILs as well so again even less of a need.

I just don't like DD being apart from me at night. I don't think I am particularly clingy to DD (I work 4 x10 hr days a week when she is in nursery).

Sorry OP, but it's a bit unfair to say she's too little to stay with in-laws if she's already stayed with your own mother!

It is a difficult situation, from what you've said on here although your in-laws see a lot of your DD your mother sees her far more, and stayed at yours after the birth.

I didn't let my DD stay overnight with anyone so I can understand your feelings - but - you have let her stay with your mother, so perhaps you could let your in-laws have her for a couple of hours in the daytime?

They probably think because DD as stayed at your mums that you're ok with it in all honesty.and might be a bit hurt that you won't allow her to stay with them overnight.

Don't tie yourself in knots OP but maybe explaining why you feel anxious could help them to understand how you're feeling.

I was with you - until you said she stays at your Mam's. If you can leave her with yours why not your partners. You have indicated that they are perfectly capable and nice people so why not.

I'm a mil and my dgs has stayed overnight sometimes since he was a baby. He's 5 now and we have a very close bond. He often asks for a sleepover at our house. I'd feel a bit disappointed and hurt if my Dil didn't trust me as much as she trusts her own mum. I love them all.

Sounds like they've had to step up so much woth DGS that they expect you to need the same support and don't differentiate between their daughters child and their sons child, whereas you are differentiating between maternal gp's and paternal gp's.

You shouldn't do anything you aren't ready for, and its ok to be honest about that.

But I can imagine why they might think that you're not as invested in their relationship as yours if only your mam is helping with childcare when you return to work

It's not that, and like I've said she will stay with them at some point I'm certain of it! But like someone has said DM is very different to MIL, DM was there for the birth and I absolutely would've had a breakdown had she not been there for me like she was in the first 2 weeks.

It's not a regular occurance at all that she has stayed with DM, and she lives 2 minutes away, as opposed to PIL 20 minutes.

My mum said something about my DD coming to stay without me when she was a baby and I laughed and said "she's 6 months! Maybe when she's 6 years old". I think in the end I left her when she was 3 years old and I went to visit a friend 5 hours away by train!

I wouldn't have been able to leave a 4.5 mo baby anywhere! Didn't even leave her with my husband overnight alone til she was 10m!

If you leave your dd with your mum and would have no ‘issue’ leaving her overnight, then there is no reason why you can’t be doing that with your PIL.

I get that it’s making you anxious but at the same time, you should be able to trust them as much as your trust your mum.

On their pov, they probably seemit as one rule for your mum and another for them...

But your PIL are not asking for it to be a regular occurrence anymore than your mum is.

What is your DH thinking about it? Is he happy to tell his parents to wait? And that’s it’s normal that you are happy to leave your dd with your mum but not with them, even as one off?

If you don’t like being away from her why does she stay with your mother? No need just yet

Ok, well I guess im being unreasonable then. As I've said it's not a regularity that she has stayed with DM, perhaps I will knock that on the head from happening again until I go back to work, to make things fair.

I don't think it matters that PIL are different to your mum. The question is do you trust them enough to have DD's best interest at heart and look after her like you would?

If it's any consolation, I was persuaded to leave my DD overnight for the first time a few weeks ago. She's 9.....

If you're not happy with it, don't do it. No need for it; doesn't stop her seeing her grandparents.

Why on earth should she leave her baby over night because pils want her too?

They may want to take her on a five week holiday it doesn't mean op should start allowing this.
Op do whatever you feel comfortable with at the pace you feel comfortable with. I feel 4 months is far too young.
But as other pp said so bear in mind how you will cope with child care as well...

Absolutely yes with the best interests part. But there have been little things that make me worry, like the sterilisation of things and making up her bottles. I think they're a bit old school (she rinses sterilised items with tap water), but if I'm not there then I can't correct it and it panicks me a bit

sorry op but its ok for your mum but not ok for your mil

maybe their upset that they dont have the same time as your mum

yabu

For goodness sake sake don't punish your poor mum, due to pils being pushy! You know your mum... Why don't you feel same level of comfort as with your mum?
Many people do and are happy to leave with pils. Maybe think deeper about this aspect. But don't punish your mum to make things fair!!

This really bugs me. Babysitting is a job you do when needed, it’s not a sleepover type thing so why don’t they say what they mean ‘we want baby to sleep over’ in the first place.

Agree with PP who say why leave baby alone for no reason. When you fancy a meal out, etc then by all means maybe that should be the time it happens