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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want DSD at scan?

74 replies

Totori · 17/06/2018 20:25

20 week scan tomorrow. DSD is baby obsessed (she's only 6) and is desperate to go to a scan and see the baby. She's completely fascinated by it and it's actually very sweet. DP has suggested paying for a private scan for us all to attend.

Thing is, I've been through this before. Had a completely normal 20 week scan, loss of movement at 24 weeks, very sick baby, delivered still born at 25 weeks. For this reason, I just can't stand the idea of booking a private scan for DSD to attend and something going horribly wrong.

AIBU to tell him no? Don't get me wrong he's not pushing hard for me to do this, I just don't know if it's a good idea.... I'm terrified of the 20 week scan tomorrow as it is. Fingers crossed!

OP posts:
LoopyLou1981 · 17/06/2018 20:27

Not unreasonable at all. Maybe you could book a 3D scan further down the pregnancy once your mind is a bit more at ease?
I hope it all goes well for you tomorrow x

Rockandrollwithit · 17/06/2018 20:28

Definitely YANBU.

My hospital would not allow any children for scans, especially the 20 week one, just in case something is picked up. Given your history I think you have every right to have this scan in the way you want it.

Could you buy an extra scan picture for DSD for her to have? It's lovely that she is so excited.

Returnofthesmileybar · 17/06/2018 20:28

Absolutely not being unreasonable. A scan is a medical appointment, you don't bring anyone you don't want to to one, it's that simple. I am very sorry for your previous loss, this makes it even more understandable

fuzzywuzzy · 17/06/2018 20:30

Yanbu tell your do that’s why you don’t want to.

This is my worst nightmare, I had a MMC discovered at a scan at 10 weeks, I was falling apart it would have terrified any young child to have been in the room at that moment.

Scans aren’t for entertainment they’re a done for a medical reason.

Good luck with your scan.

RedHelenB · 17/06/2018 20:31

I think you are a bit. Could someone wait with dsd while they do the anomaly bit and then come in after that. That's what I did with my dds of a similar age. Since she knows about the pregnancy anyway?

Daddystepdaddy · 17/06/2018 20:32

Your DO has suggested paying for a private scan. Why don't you go to the NHS scan without DSD and then book a private scan if all seems okay afterwards? Your DSD knows you are pregnant so I don't think you can shield her from any serious issues later by barring her from going to a scan.

Almostthere15 · 17/06/2018 20:32

It's not unreasonable at all to not have her there. They are a diagnostic scan in which the sonographer is trying to establish and check. Most places won't let you bring children in anyway.

It's lovely she's excited, I'd get an extra photo and perhaps a big sis frame? And say that you'll do something else special later on, perhaps she and you could go shopping together and buy the babies going home outfit, or to help choose something for the nursery?

Original poster
Totori · 17/06/2018 20:32

I know that hospitals don't allow children but for a private scan I think you can bring the whole family (not that I would ever dream of!). Hence why DP suggested it.

She is so excited. She's an only child and has been asking for a year now when we are going to have a baby. I think telling her has been my favourite bit so far! I wish they would let you film the scan on your phone but I completely understand why they don't allow it.

Just want to make it clear that DP would never pressure me to do this, just wanted to check I wasn't being over cautious because of what happened before. It's hard sometimes when you've been through something traumatic to rationalise...

OP posts:
Almostthere15 · 17/06/2018 20:33

Oh and I hope all goes well for you

Littlebelina · 17/06/2018 20:33

Yanbu. We got told bad news at a 20wk scan (chd) with ds present as we couldn't get childcare. Was awful. It went over his head but meant sonographer didn't explain what was going on properly and left us with a scan report and a 4 day wait to see fetal medicine.

This pregnancy he hasn't come to any scans but still seems excited about the baby. Not sure we'll take him to any as I don't enjoy them at all anymore. Almost like a huddle to get over.

ElizabethLemon · 17/06/2018 20:34

Yanbu. I took my 7yo to a routine 32 week scan, all was fine. A few weeks later I had another routine scan and they discovered a problem with the baby, I was so relieved not to have my ds there as I was understandably upset, it was horrible and there was a lot of information to process.

Hope everything goes well tomorrow x

ReservoirDogs · 17/06/2018 20:35

I think you can get videos now at some places rather than pictures

Skydiving · 17/06/2018 20:35

I see your point entirely.
Plus I think the scan is for you and your dp to bond with the baby. I wouldn’t take my toddler ds for this reason as I like to be able to watch and take everything in, which I wouldn’t with my toddler running about/asking questions etc etc.
I think getting her a picture is a lovely idea.

Original poster
Totori · 17/06/2018 20:35

daddy I have genuinely sat and thought about this option. Thing is, we don't have her on a weekend for another two weekends now, and I know that anything can happen in two weeks. I know I am being overly cautious but I don't think I can put myself through that worry.

red they could, but how would I explain if the same thing happened again and I came out in floods of tears and she had to be told she couldn't see the baby? I would hate her to witness that.

I know everything is likely to be fine but you can't be too careful? Am I overthinking this?

OP posts:
Carver16x · 17/06/2018 20:37

At a private scan you can get a dvd and a bear with a recording of the heart beat inside maybe you could get those for her instead of her actually been there ?

lifechangesforever · 17/06/2018 20:38

Not allowed children in my trust at any scans.. if you want her at a scan, I'd pay for a private one later down the line when you know everything is OK.

Original poster
Totori · 17/06/2018 20:38

carver that's a lovely idea. I'm not sure I want to have an extra scan at all as they make me anxious and put my blood pressure up but it's definitely an option..

OP posts:
peachypetite · 17/06/2018 20:39

A scan is not for children, the idea makes me feel really uncomfortable, YANBU

TakeMe2Insanity · 17/06/2018 20:39

At my 20 week scan I found out my baby had died. There was so much information to take in, I was glad that DH and I just had each other to concentrate on and not dc.

I’d let her be excited but talk to your dh about your reasons for not wanting her to come. I hope everything goes well.

Original poster
Totori · 17/06/2018 20:39

if you want her at a scan, I'd pay for a private one later down the line when you know everything is OK

This was the suggestion in my OP? I was asking if I was BU to say no to this.

OP posts:
FASH84 · 17/06/2018 20:40

OP we had a private scan recently and there was an option to buy the whole thing on dvd (like a video) as well as pictures, maybe you could do that for her and watch it together at home?

Ghanagirl · 17/06/2018 20:40

Good luck for 2moro, you come across as thoughtful Caring stepmum💐

Original poster
Totori · 17/06/2018 20:40

Thank you Ghana - I try! Very nervous but will be sure to come back and update either way Smile

OP posts:
Thesearmsofmine · 17/06/2018 20:41

Could you book a private scan with a video to take home included in the package. So you go to the scan and then she eats to see the video at home?

Thesearmsofmine · 17/06/2018 20:41

Cross posted!

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