to not want DSD at scan?

[Totori]

20 week scan tomorrow. DSD is baby obsessed (she's only 6) and is desperate to go to a scan and see the baby. She's completely fascinated by it and it's actually very sweet. DP has suggested paying for a private scan for us all to attend.

Thing is, I've been through this before. Had a completely normal 20 week scan, loss of movement at 24 weeks, very sick baby, delivered still born at 25 weeks. For this reason, I just can't stand the idea of booking a private scan for DSD to attend and something going horribly wrong.

AIBU to tell him no? Don't get me wrong he's not pushing hard for me to do this, I just don't know if it's a good idea.... I'm terrified of the 20 week scan tomorrow as it is. Fingers crossed!

YANBU at all. To keep her away, not to have an un-necessary scan, any of it.
If she really wants to see a scan, I'm sure youtube will have one.
It's a procedure, not entertainment on demand.
Hope all continues to go well for you, totally appreciate your natural concerns after previous events.

Yanbu at all. I have had bad news (missed miscarriage) at 12 week scans and one of my babies had a problem picked up at the 20 week scan. Not life threatening but still upsetting. I'm firmly in the scans are a medical procedure not for entertainment camp.

YANBU at all! I recently had a baby and DP has two older kids who we kept very involved in the pregnancy. We booked a private 3D scan at 29 weeks and they attended, but this was after all the medical checks had been done, and DD's movements were strong so it seemed ok to let them attend. I was still nervous and had I had your history I know it wouldn't have been something I'd have wanted to do. Even a private scan always has a medical element and if it understandably makes you anxious that's not fair on you - and you're the one doing the work here!
The children ended up attending another NHS scan at nearly 39 weeks which nobody had bothered explaining the potential consequences of. They tried telling me DD was too small and I'd have to be induced. I was the size of a house and it turned out they were wrong, but I was in shock and had to hide my emotions, and couldn't ask questions that I really should have done.

Do what makes you comfortable and as anxiety free as possible. Wishing you all the best

What @Lunde said. Your medical procedures are not a spectator sport, and you absolutely shouldn’t be doing something which increases your anxiety to satisfy the whims of a 6 year old.

Stick to the scans and other medical care offered by your hospital and involve your dsd in age appropriate ways such as preparing the equipment and so on.

Scans and Doppler are for medical examination, not bonding, entertainment or finding out the sex. (Not aimed at you OP).

The sonography May allow your dh to make a short video recording of the scan which you could show her later on if it seems appropriate.

Good luck for a safe pregnancy.

when i paid for my private 3d scan i got a dvd included. could you not go home and watch it all together after you know everythings ok?

@sockunicorn thing is, I just don't know if I want the scan at all. I find pregnancy stressful enough as it is. My anxiety is unbearable.

@Totori I hope all goes really well for you tomorrow and that your scan gives you all the reassurance you want and need. And for a continued happy and healthy pregnancy and birth.

I bet your DSD has had enough of babies after a week or so! :)

I took my DS to my 12 & 20 week scans at the hospital, no problem there.
I can understand why your hesitant but she knows your pregnant anyway so she would still have to find out if something went wrong - you could say to the nurse that if there is any problems then could she ask everyone to leave the room and talk to you alone, then your DSD won't hear until your ready to explain.

Why not compromise on a privatte scan at say 32 weeks so if the baby is born early, it will stand a much better chance of survival, with her not in the room but a copty on DVD for her to watch with you later?

It's a medical appointment and not meant for fun. I wouldn't take her.

Definitely NBU. Really hope everything works out well for you.

I wouldn't have taken mine, and they were my biological children.
just because a kid wants something, you don't have to give it to them.
it's each to their own though, if you don't want her there, just say so.

I don’t think you are being unreasonable at all.

Thanks everyone. I'm glad I came on here to write this thread. Still feel slightly bad about saying no but it is for the right reasons. Hopefully DP will understand.

YANBU. I remember when I went to a scan with my parents to see my younger brother/sister and my mum crying behind the curtain and my dad taking me out the room as my mum had miscarried. It was horrible. I agree with pp about a private scan perhaps further down the line but I would definitely hold off for this one just to be safe. Wishing you all the best and a happy, healthy pregnancy

Definitely NBU.

Also to echo the above poster who said scans and Doppler etc aren't for entertainment. As for listening to the baby with a stethoscope... you can't actually hear the fetal heart with a stethoscope...

It's definitely personal choice though, DH and I both knew that if anything had happened to the baby that we would be able to maintain a composure enough around DS, if there had been doubt around that then we probably wouldn't have taken him.

I've had bad news at 20 week scan. DH had to bring the DCs so he was waiting outside, it was horrible as we couldn't really talk about it and I couldn't react naturally as I had to be calm for them. It messed up the whole grieving process for me to be honest.
YANBU at all.

I think YANBU. We took our son to the 20 week scan for our daughter, and learned exceptionally bad news. It was horrible, our son saw us cry and be absolutely devastated. I would wait until later on in the pregnancy when you know things are going well for sure.

No from me too. I had to take my 5 and 2 year olds to my 20 week scam, it was chaotic and a nightmare

I think you should say no to the extra scan and worry no more about it. Most 6 year old siblings won't have that level of involvement. Get her to help choose a teddy or outfit instead or get a book about being a big sister or something else fun.

Hope all goes well tomorrow. It sounds like you are a lovely stepmum. She can see a picture of your 20 week scan, help to pick some clothes etc for the baby, and help with baby's room nearer the time, so can be involved without attending a scam at all.

I was consultant led due to age (36), having had ivf and a underactive thyroid. I had scans at every routine 4 week appointment after 20 weeks. If you end up with additional scans in the future, so she can see another picture anyway.

Tell your DH that you would not take DSD to attend whilst you had a smear test or he had a prostate screening so why would she attend this medical appointment?