to not want DSD at scan?

[Totori]

20 week scan tomorrow. DSD is baby obsessed (she's only 6) and is desperate to go to a scan and see the baby. She's completely fascinated by it and it's actually very sweet. DP has suggested paying for a private scan for us all to attend.

Thing is, I've been through this before. Had a completely normal 20 week scan, loss of movement at 24 weeks, very sick baby, delivered still born at 25 weeks. For this reason, I just can't stand the idea of booking a private scan for DSD to attend and something going horribly wrong.

AIBU to tell him no? Don't get me wrong he's not pushing hard for me to do this, I just don't know if it's a good idea.... I'm terrified of the 20 week scan tomorrow as it is. Fingers crossed!

these I didn't realise you could buy videos! I'll definitely look in to this. Thanks also to the pp who suggested this.

So now my question is... WIBU to say I don't want an extra scan at all? So no video, or extra photos to show DSD? They make me so, so nervous.

YANBU - maybe you can get a print of the scan and show her further on in your pregnancy when you feel more confident about it? (If that is something that you do feel of course!)

YANBU to refuse to undergo additional medical procedures to provide medical entertainment for family members

Lunde when you put it like that it does seem less unreasonable than I first thought!

If you don't want to then don't do it. It would be nice for dsd but not expected or essential and not worth stress to you.

Explain your worries to dh, if he really wants to then consider video as a compromise.

YANBU

YANBU,
Maybe you and DP could think of other ways of including her than taking her to a scan.
Maybe tell her that the baby is very small and not easy to see or hear at this stage.
later maybe you could do things like listening to the heartbeat on a doppler at home or letting her feel kicks.

If you want to take her for a scan, don’t go for the 20 week scan! It’s an abnormality scan, one where you are looking for ny issue with the baby etc... Not a nice time to show the baby to another child.

If you go for a private scan, go later. She will be able to see the baby better AND you might feel more relaxed about it.

But tbh, just atm, I think your anxiety about the baby and the pregnancy comes first. Only do it if you feel really confortable about it.

qaz I cannot wait for her to feel kicks! I can feel them but they're very difficult to feel from outside unless you know what you're looking for. Really can't wait! Hoping it won't be too much longer now...

What lunde and others have said.

My DD found out there were real problems with her unborn dd at the 20 week scan. She subsequently delivered her, stillborn, at 27 weeks. I am EXTREMELY uncomfortable with anyone using a scan for anything except medical reasons.

(I even get the rage at people who describe the 20 week scan as a "we're going to find out if it's team pink or blue" type comments...you might just find out your child won't live.)

Agree with zzzzz - just say no, and I am amazed that a six year old really understands and knows what a scan is, have you been discussing it with her? .

Yanbu. Scans are stressful enough without the added pressure or worries that you already have.
I didn't let my DSD come to my 20 week scan - later found out that children weren't allowed anyway.
You could always show her the scan picture afterwards?
I know she's excited and would like to be there but I wouldn't have extra scans if it's gonna cause you more distress.

WIBU to say I don't want an extra scan at all? So no video, or extra photos to show DSD? They make me so, so nervous.

Nope.
As another poster said, it’s a medical procedure and will stay one even if you go for the 4 D version etc etc (that’s the first thing the sonographer will check, look for any issues etc...).
Plus, your MH is important too. No way should you put yourself in a situation where your anxiety will be heightened just because your dsd ‘likes babies’.

Also remember that she probably likes dolls and babies she sees for 5 mins and where she can play ‘mum’ (as in give me the wipes and so on) and dint take any time away from her dad.
I would doubt she likes ‘babies’ as such

It's lovely that your DSD is so excited about your baby, it bodes well for the future when you have your new baby at home with you. But you're not at all unreasonable to not think it appropriate for her to be there at the scan. It's not for children. Hopefully you're going to get good news that you have a healthy baby, but you're right to be cautious.

My DD2 is 6, I could well imagine her saying the exact same thing (my 2 DDs are adopted so that wouldn't happen). She wants to be included in everything, she's curious about everything, and can be so insistent. That doesn't mean that we should say yes, some things are just not appropriate for young children, however precocious they might be.

I think there's a good chance her mum wouldn't want her to go anyway. I wouldn't, my DD2 is bright and enthusiastic, but sometimes the answer really needs to be no. The adults make the decisions at the end of the day.

I like the idea of a DVD, though, I'm sure DSD would love that.

ragwort are you surprised we have discussed this with her? We showed her a scan photo once I got to 18 weeks and could feel movements (this was reassuring for me) and she asked how we got the photo. I told her that the hospital had to use a special camera and explained the cos jelly and the 'magic photo wand' - she was fascinated by it that's all. Is that a strange thing to tell a 6 year old? I didn't think so!

Er, hasn't she got school tomorrow anyway?

nonno she has indeed. If you read the OP you'll see that the suggestion is a private scan, not the she attends tomorrow

Thank you everyone who has responded so far! As we know, anxiety makes us worry about things such as this!

I hope it goes well tomorrow, OP.

Thank you @Lizzie48 ! I'm bloody terrified to tell you the truth!

*cold jelly

Firstly hoping everything goes well .

The one thing I want to add is that the couple of friends I know that had to give birth who went on to have another pregnancy ( successfully to add ) the whole pregnancy is not been a relaxing enjoyable experience . If you don’t want further scans then don’t . Dsd can be included in many ways . You getting through your pregnancy as relaxed as possible is the priority here.

fuzzy I'm so sorry for your daughter and understand entirely how hard that must have been for all of you.

I agree with you. We aren't finding out the sex

I really hope all goes well for you tomorrow.

We ended up having a private scan and finding out the sex fairly late on as DSS suddenly showed an interest. Given he was a sulky 13 year old we were amazed and booked it straight away.

In your position though I would say no. If it’s going to be stressful for you then that is all of the reason you need no to.

I'd say no both this and to a second scan.
What about a surprise 'big sister' gift instead? You can pick up basic stethoscopes for £5-10, you could get her one as a special present so she could 'listen' to kicks and squelches and the baby's heartbeat and still gets to 'meet' her new sibling.

www.amazon.co.uk/Timesco-TD1-13-208-Stethoscope-Ruby-Purple/dp/B0062907J2/ref=sr_1_43?keywords=stethoscope&tag=mumsnetforum-21&ie=UTF8&qid=1529265672&sr=8-43