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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

School parents dilemma

68 replies

Youmeandacuppa39 · 17/06/2018 19:22

Discovered during a conversation last week about a local festival that most of the school parents who I talk with have some pretty backwards/ racist views about a certainty ethnic group. I belong to this ethnic group, these parents are unaware.

I didn’t say anything at the time, just walked away and left them chatting.

I’ve been thinking about it all weekend, I feel I should say something to them but I don’t want them to exclude my DD from things as she is friends with their children.
DD is mixed race and is already faced with a mostly white school, I don’t want things to be harder for her.
DH thinks I should say something.

AIBU to keep my mouth shut despite feeling quite angry and upset?

OP posts:
Butterflykissess · 17/06/2018 19:40

why didnt you say anything at the time??

Original poster
Youmeandacuppa39 · 17/06/2018 20:08

I was shocked, they are mostly very kind, nice people. I was speechless.

OP posts:
Passportto · 17/06/2018 20:11

Have you down played your ethnicity, why don't the other parents realise? Does dd know she is part of that group?

Igmum · 17/06/2018 20:18

I'm really shocked they hold such views but (as a rather obvious member of a minority) I entirely understand the temptation to stay silent to make things easier for DD. Not sure what I would do if I had this option and suspect I might be tempted to stay silent - after all you're not lying - but what I really hope is that both you and DD meet some lovely, totally non-racist, parents and kids FlowersFlowers

Original poster
Youmeandacuppa39 · 17/06/2018 20:21

I made a conscious effort to change my accent as a teenager so I would blend in more. I’ve never had case to declare my ethnicity to them before, I don’t see why I should have? Confused
Dd knows but doesn’t understand as she is only 5, she visits with relatives but doesn’t realise people see them/us as different.

OP posts:
Hidillyho · 17/06/2018 20:21

I think you should say something because you are hurt by what they have said. If they insulted you personally (rather than I assume a general insult iyswim) for your appearance (weight, clothes etc) would you say something? I see no difference between calling someone out on a direct insult and a racial insult in general.

Original poster
Youmeandacuppa39 · 17/06/2018 20:22

Thankyou igmum

OP posts:
Passportto · 17/06/2018 20:24

I think I can probably guess which group it is. It's a tough one, usually I'm a proper lefty and furious over any kind of discrimination but living in a community that is often affected by this group (if I'm right) I do struggle with this one.

TeenTimesTwo · 17/06/2018 20:25

Could you stay silent about your background, but if the topic comes up again gently challenge their beliefs?

Original poster
Youmeandacuppa39 · 17/06/2018 20:41

I’m sorry to hear you’ve had problems pass, it really isn’t the majority of us who cause it though. There are bad apples in every bunch.

I could stay silent and just challenge any remarks but I’m not sure if that would have much impact, they’d probably say I’m just being too liberal.

OP posts:
Passportto · 17/06/2018 20:54

I know OP but it's enough to make life pretty miserable for the communities affected and even the good ones do close ranks so that no-one's ever brought to justice.

In your shoes I'd keep quiet. It shouldn't be necessary, it's very sad that it is, but if "even" I feel like this much to my own disgust you're not going to change the views of those who are openly racist, which I never am. I try to shut down these kinds of conversations, even though I can sometimes see their POV.

Ghanagirl · 17/06/2018 21:03

Are you Jewish?

Hidillyho · 17/06/2018 21:14

Are you Jewish?

My guess is gypsy because of pass comments

Original poster
Youmeandacuppa39 · 17/06/2018 21:15

I appreciate your reply and your honesty Passportto, I really can understand why you feel that way.
I think you’re probably right that keeping quiet is the best idea. I hate that I’m always having to hide who I am though.

OP posts:
Thehogfather · 17/06/2018 21:29

If I'm right in my guess about your ethnicity op I think I'd say something. Most people with racist views against that ethnicity are a bit stupid/ short sighted, in that they don't seem to have realised that they have met many lovely people of that ethnicity in everyday life, so they assume the bad apples are representative.

Much as they'd deserve you to rip them a new one I would approach it in a less confrontational way though.

ScattyCharly · 17/06/2018 21:34

Sorry to be thick but if you belong to this ethnic group, how is it not visibly obvious to them? Especially if your dd is mixed race Confused

ItWentDownMyHeartHole · 17/06/2018 21:35

I’m with your DH. Say something and to as many of them as possible the very next time it happens. Is there not a chance you’d be ‘outed’ at some point anyway? People can be such dicks. And then your DC is vulnerable if it looks like you’ve kept quiet. Give them both barrels. People need to learn the lazy stereotype is BS. And fucking dangerous to boot. I’m so cross on your behalf. It must have been very hurtful to listen to.

Butterflykissess · 17/06/2018 21:36

Sorry to be thick but if you belong to this ethnic group, how is it not visibly obvious to them? Especially if your dd is mixed race confused

i wondered this exact thing.

GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat · 17/06/2018 21:42

Because she’s from the travelling community.

CantCumWontCum · 17/06/2018 21:44

Ethnic doesn't mean non-white - there are plenty of white ethnic groups that experience racism including Jewish people, eastern European people, traveller/romani people - none of these groups would necessarily be visibly obvious.

Marmablade · 17/06/2018 21:44

Not all ethnicity is about skin colour.

en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:2011_UK_census_ethnic_group_question.png

Can you see which ones aren't? I'm guessing the OP is one of those.

It's perfectly acceptable (in my area) to hold racist views in public about certain ethnic groups whose minority minority behaviour inconveniences the ethnic majority. I find it hugely unacceptable and call people out on it on FB and face to face. Even nice well to do people are unashamedly racist, ignorantly not knowing they are an ethnic minority with protection under discrimination laws. 'All X are Y' never goes down well with me.

For what it's worth I wouldn't 'out' yourself ethnically as that's no one's business, but I would challenge their prejudices as anyone who isn't narrow minded would.

Original poster
Youmeandacuppa39 · 17/06/2018 21:45

If I did decide to say something, what would be the best approach? There’s a lot of them and one of me, plus I’m shit at confrontation and just cry when angry Blush.

Sorry to be thick but if you belong to this ethnic group, how is it not visibly obvious to them? Especially if your dd is mixed race

I look no different to them. DH is black African, I’m Traveller.

OP posts:
shouldwestayorshouldwego · 17/06/2018 21:47

Not all ethnicities are obvious and the dd might be mixed race with another non-white British ethnicity so the ?traveller features are not very apparent. To be honest I wouldn't be able to identify if someone was from a travelling community by looking at them.

I would get to know a couple of the parents better first to be honest before discussing your heritage. I imagine it is an annual thing, so the discussion will move on in a year or two then maybe discuss it with anyone you have got to know in more depth. Think about whether there were some in the conversation who were not leading it so much. Or maybe some who your dd is more friendly with. Have some playdates- if you are up for them. I might though mention it at school - not mentioning names but just in a 'heard some people saying... ' as the school could maybe discuss it in assembly and highlight the inclusive nature of the school. If they are not aware then you maybe don't even need to explicitly state why you were raising it, just that you had heard racist comments about this group.

TidyDancer · 17/06/2018 21:48

I'm guessing gypsy from your description. And although you shouldn't have to keep your background quiet I think it might be better for your dd to do so.

FWIW I think the parents are out of line but I also have had problems at work on multiple occasions with members of local groups and although I'm not stupid enough to tar everyone with the same brush, I can appreciate someone else in my position perhaps not remaining open minded.

I feel sad for you in this situation but I think you do need to tread carefully. There are a lot of people out there who don't believe gypsies deserve respect. They are wrong, but they are out there and clearly as you've sadly learned they are not quiet about their views.

ScipioAfricanus · 17/06/2018 21:48

Do you think they would exclude your DD if they knew? If it is the travelling community then I think this is one group people still don’t think of as ‘protected’ and make remarks about which are ignorant and generalisation but not always meant to be insulting (I’m thinking of saying ‘gypsy’, ‘gyp’) etc. It’s a also a group which doesn’t tend to mix as much with other groups so you end up with only a few experiences of - and if those are bad, you’ll generalise (whether you should or not).

What I mean is, they maywell be ashamed if they knew you are from this group they’ve been insulting, will realise that since you are a nice person they know, they may adjust their views, and then not discriminate against your daughter. If that is likely, I would mention it in passing to them at a different context.

If they are likely to be not nice to your daughter then you have two options, one to speak out and decide if they are racists/prejudiced you’d prefer not to have a friendship based on falseness. Two, to keep quiet so your daughter doesn’t feel excluded at school. I honestly don’t know what I would choose as I’m not from a minority and don’t know how I’d feel in that instance.