School parents dilemma

[Youmeandacuppa39]

Discovered during a conversation last week about a local festival that most of the school parents who I talk with have some pretty backwards/ racist views about a certainty ethnic group. I belong to this ethnic group, these parents are unaware.

I didn’t say anything at the time, just walked away and left them chatting.

I’ve been thinking about it all weekend, I feel I should say something to them but I don’t want them to exclude my DD from things as she is friends with their children.
DD is mixed race and is already faced with a mostly white school, I don’t want things to be harder for her.
DH thinks I should say something.

AIBU to keep my mouth shut despite feeling quite angry and upset?

OP I'm sorry if my use of the word ghost has been offensive to you. My friend finds the word traveller more offensive to her (she shares your ethnicity). It's a mine field so I apologise if I've used a term you don't like.

Omg why had my phone changed gypsy to ghost?! If you're a ghost that puts a whole new spin on this!!

OP

People don't see the difference between the idiots who come, break into the park, shit everywhere, destroy the pub, let all the animals out etc, and the travellers who just want to get on with life respectfully. Sadly the public perception of travellers is the former. Usually because this is what the public encounter.
Respectful (and usually settled) travellers, most people don't realise they are travellers. When "travellers" are discussed it is in the context of the first group I described.

A very tough one for you. I'd stay quiet.

I have the crying when angry thing, OP. It sucks!

I have no useful advice to add really, but I'm really sorry you've had to experience this. Challenge it if you want to, by all means - you have every right. However, don't feel bad if you'd rather not confront it directly - you are not responsible for pointing out their prejudice.

I don’t know the answer but I’m sorry this is happening to you. I’ve heard it myself (and I do challenge it) it does sometimes seem like it’s the last one that people think it’s ok to be nasty about.

Oh gosh. Hard one.

I would not stay quiet, as I think if DD knows she will end up telling her friends as children don't realise they may be treated differently. It sounds as if, until these comments, you genuinely got on with them. They need educating.

Gently challenge their views, but don't mention your background.

It could affect your daughter, so I'd keep quiet.
If it was a place of work or a hobby or people down the pub I'd say differently, but when it could affect your daughter's school life for years, I don't think the potential payoff from speaking up would be worth it. Even if it is the right thing to do.

If these people seem so pleasant normally, despite their previously hidden views, and you told them your ethnicity I think they would just say we didn’t know and you’re not like that and you’re fine. It mightn’t get you any further on. You would still know their opinions and you would still have to decide how that affects your relationships with them. It may also affect your DD’s relationships. The only point would be if it opened up a more rounded discussion and less isolationist thinking.

That's a tough situation. I also look ethnically ambiguous, I was shocked at a playgroup (in the US) once when a group of lovely mums who id known for over a year just started spouting slurs and stereotypes about Hispanics. I wish I would have spoken up.

I don't think you're morally wrong to stay quiet, though. It's hard enough to be different, you should not also be tasked with acting as a conscience for this group. You should try and make sure you teach your DD about inclusiveness pre-emptively as she may be exposed to ignorant views indirectly by socialising with their children.

I do think it might affect how they are with DD if they know but that might be my paranoia as I was bullied in every school I attended because of it. Also, as an adult I’ve had “friends” back away once I’ve told them so Im wary of thinking the best of people.

I might leave it untill next year when the festival happens again, but I don’t think I’ll tell them that I am one.

Thank you for all the replies .

This seems to be mostly worry about what the parents are thinking. But the children are all happily playing, without discussing heritage at all, never mind criticizing it. They are just friends. On that basis I would just leave things as they are, but I definitely would not be friendly with those so called adults who have been making nasty comments.

I wouldn't say anything and I wouldn't take what they are saying to heart. They are just ordinary people making generalisations which, of course, they shouldn't do, but they are human and most people speak based on their experiences.

They are not talking about you, they are talking about the bad apples in your community. All communities have bad apples and most people have stopped generalising about black, Asian, Jewish people etc in public. Unfortunately, the same hasn't happened about the Traveller community and people seem to think that is is acceptable to generalise about them in public. Hopefully, this will change, but until it does, there is nothing you can do about it.

What will you gain by telling the other parents that you are from the Traveller community? It will just mean that they will only speak about you community when you are not there.

They like you and I doubt that would change if they knew you were from the Traveller community, so why rock the boat?

When I was growing up in the 1970s, friends would not admit that their parents were Irish because of all the Irish jokes which were deemed acceptable at the time. Now, no-one would hide the fact that they were Irish, because times have changed and Irish jokes are no longer acceptable.

I understand that it must be very sad for you, but all minorities have had to put up with comments etc. That is a fact of life of being a minority (I know as I am one).

I don’t blame you. Thinking about it, I very rarely challenge the anti-Semitic crap previously nice people say. My earlier advice was brave-on-the-internet. It’s so disappointing though. Keep on keeping on.

I wouldn't raise it just out of the blue (as in 'I was thinking about what you said the other day ...') but if the topic comes up again, I think I would quietly say something. Not a huge speech but just an 'actually, I'm a Traveller.' Enough to make them realise that not everyone fits the stereotype. I would be more inclined to speak if you know the other parents quite well and they know what you're like, enough to challenge their mental picture of what a Traveller is like. If you don't know them that well then I might say nothing, because you're right that they're more likely to judge your family than change their views.

This is crap and I am so sorry for you OP. You shouldn't have to hide who you are. Perhaps if more people like you who don't fit the stereotype spoke out people wouldn't think it was ok to say racist things about travellers.

it goes against the grain but i would not tell them.

I'm sorry this has happened to you, OP, but I don't think you'll change people's minds as racists are particularly hard to change. I don't think you should risk either yourself or your dd having their racism directed against you.

I grew up in Northern Ireland in a very rare non-sectarian family, so I learnt at an early age how people love to generalise about other groups of people and have always spoken up against it. For some reason travellers and roma are one of the last groups that people feel totally free, including on mumsnet, to denigrade and generalise about. I have always spoken up about this, but a fat lot of use it is.

OP, I am sorry this is happening, it is hard, you don't owe anybody the run down on your ancestry, so it is perfectly ok to stay quiet, what worries me a bit is how will you feel being friendly with them knowing what they think? and how will your DD feel once she is older? it won't be good for her to feel she has to hide who she is, she should be proud

you may need new friends...

This is a tough one. It's very hard to admit but I have real issues with the current travelling culture. I have had cause through my (past) work to see severe animal abuse and child neglect that would qualify as abuse and it is rampant in the culture. There are enormous rates of criminality within the culture, massively in excess of societal proportions, and in many cases learned from childhood. Domestic violence is incredibly common. It is a culture which is rife with issues many of which hurt those who live near them but which hurts it's own members most of all.

That doesn't mean that all travellers are ethnically predisposed to being bad people and I think most people judge people how they find them. I know travellers, both settled and still living in their communities, who are wonderful, law abiding, people who are just as respectful and caring of their families, animals and neighbours as anyone else.

As awful as it was to be subject to those comments from the other school parents. I'm not sure they would judge you negatively for your ethnic background.

Oh OP it's so hard. I know and have taught some wonderful traveller women and always speak up when the topic comes up. But I will also say that there's a couple of weeks a year in my town when we have to make sure everything is locked, because there is always a spate of things being stolen. I'd love to put it down to coincidence but it just isn't. I always feel like it makes me a massive hypocrite but I guess I just have to acknowledge it as what it is. It doesn't stop me respecting the women I know.

You don't have to represent your whole community. You certainly aren't alone in keeping it quiet and unfortunately you have good reason to do so.

I hope you know that not everybody thinks the way your friends do.

I am discovering yet another new facet to my ignorance.

I genuinely didn’t know that traveling community was an ethnicity. I genuinely thought it was a lifestyle choice and when you stop traveling/settled, you ceased to be a traveller.

My best friend is from the travelling community, her family were showmen and when young she travelled internationally with the fairs etc. The discrimination she has faced is awful. Some people don't know initially because she has a Mancunian accent and we live in the south, but she's very open about her heritage. People just don't understand, her family are good, law abiding, tax paying people. There is so much prejudice and so many assumptions made because of a few bad apples in another travelling community her and her family would never associate themselves with. They and most others I've met through her, work hard, run businesses and own their homes and land, a fair amount dint even travel anymore as it's harder to earn a good living, yet still they get judged on a daily mail stereotype. Even on here it's one of the only ethnic groups you see criticised where there isn't across the board outrage at the discrimination. If you feel comfortable OP don't be ashamed of your heritage, you may just change a few narrow minds.

Even on this thread, I am appalled. If someone said or implied all Asian men were paedophiles because of Rochdale, or all Muslims were terrorists because of Isis incidents you'd all be up in arms, but it's ok to judge everyone from a travelling background ( there are a number of cultures within this sweepng categorisation btw) because you've seen a few (often not traditional travellers) pull up in your local park or supermarket cat park and cause trouble. I despair I really do.

FASH of course it's not OK.
However most people encounter "obvious travellers" who cause trouble and disrupt communities. The same people probably work alongside settled travellers and don't realise. Their lived experience of travellers isn't good.

With other ethnicities it's more obvious. Eg Muslims, people can see visibly most Muslims around them just going about their daily life, not being members of isis etc. The invisibility of the travelling community makes the public think the community only include the ones who turn up and trash places.

This thread is pristine compared to other threads when when travellers are mentioned FASH, I’m quite relieved , was dreading a wave of complete nobs responding.

I’ve no clue what I’ll do when DD is older I’ll probably ask MN