What has happened to manners AIBU?

[LadyRussell]

I have had to NC as I logged out, couldn’t log back in and have somehow created a new account I am not new I have been knocking about here for years.

Had DSDs this weekend and DSD1 brought a friend with her who has been before.

I do nag DH a bit about the fact that they never say thank you. I do most of the cooking and like to think I do put effort into my relationship with his kids but I expect anyone I cook for to say thanks (as I do when cooked for).

DSD1 (they are 13) friend day didn’t say thanks for anything the entire weekend, and when it was time to leave didn’t even say goodbye to me, just went and got into DH car .

Last time she came for the full weekend neither of her parents thanked us either and we washed and ironed her school uniform.

Do you pull someone else’s kid up on saying thanks and if so how do you do it nicely?

It’s horribky frustrating. Not always appropriate to say something but I would if I felt it wouldn’t be too upsetting or embarrassing for the child. I don’t blame the child - it is a social skill some aren’t taught, or occasionally, just don’t get.

She says she doesn’t get on with her step mum and I am thinking hmm.

She did not use deodorant the entire weekend and smelt bad, didn’t bring a toothbrush and used half a 500g Ketchup at a BBQ this afternoon.

Much like with an adult I simply wouldn't invite them again and since it's your DSD's friend tell her she's not coming around again until she gets some manners.

Well luckily DH has decided he doesn’t like her as she is not a good influence on DSD1 (very immature and silly and DSD1 doesn’t need any encouragement!) and doesn’t want her again for a “good while”.

A 13 year old with poor social skills? Its hardly surprising

Cut her some slack

Or send an invoice to her parents for ketchup

I cannot believe neither parent texted DH to say thanks. We live 150 miles away too so they just let her cone without so much as a phone call.

The ketchup yes - the lack of “thank yous” is rude.

My sons gf stays here a lot for what she calls “sleepovers” and always says “thanks for having me” every single time which is quite sweet and endearing.

I think at that age I would prompt a thank you from her and your DSD.

I had a relative who used to make his children’s guests eat their vegetables (right up to school leaving age). The children were mortified but all their friends remember him fondly.

Unfortunately it sounds like she isn’t being taught manners at home. I feel sorry for her, then, because she is being seen as rude when her parents may not have trained her otherwise.

Yeah - I think so too (it’s a Home thing) I just don’t want to come accross as a total Snow White step mother bitch but I wouldn’t and don’t put up with it from my own kids.

Yes, I can see how being SM puts you in a difficult position. Did DSD thank you for the meal? If you get on well with her you could ask her to prompt her friend another time or loudly say ‘thank you for having friend to stay’ at the end while looking meaningfully at friend. The friend actually needs other adults (teachers, friends’ parents) to model manners if she doesn’t have them insisted upon/modelled at home.

No they never thank me and I am always pulling DH up on it.

Sometimes I feel like going away for the weekend and leaving them all to it, I have a tough job and my kid have all left school and sometimes I just don’t need it.

But I persevere..,

DH just texted she didn’t thank him when he dropped her off either

I think your DH should be taking the lead in insisting on manners from visiting friends and his own children! Rather than texting you about it when in many ways it’s his place rather than yours (or more easily than yours).

Do you want thanks from just the friend, or does your DH expect to be thanked for feeding and dropping off his child?

It doesn't sound as though things are good at home for the girl and combined with being 13, that's the result.

It's a personal thing, but I never expected my children to thank me for doing what I was supposed to and seeing as you and your DH do it part time, I don't think it's right to push it, tbh.

The friend is not his child

I thanked my mother every mealtime.

“We do it part time?” Seriously so the kids don’t have to have manners at our house?

What a load of rubbish.

Unless your DSD is prompted by both DH and you at every point when thanks is polite, she won’t get it. It doesn’t have to be made into a big deal. DH should also explain that wevare judged on our manners and it really is important, not just dull adult stuff.

Why shouldn’t DSD thank her Df for a lift home? The friend is different and sounds a bit sad and neglected tbh. If she’s not coming again it doesn’t really matter but it’s sad that her parents aren’t ensuring she’s safe and clean.

She should thank him.

Just to add that my dc always said, ‘thank you for my nice tea,’ automatically after a bit of training. Other parents often mentioned how nice it was to be thanked for meals and again when leaving. They were far from perfect but did get that bit right.

Sorry, my comment was to Birds above. I agree with you.

We had a BBQ this afternoon and DH asked “someone” to sort out drinks. My DS got up and asked everyone what they wanted. DH then asked for “someone” to help DS.

Both his kids sat there for an uncomfortable amount of time until the friend went and helped.

When she has gone DH said why are you letting your guest help when you should have gone and helped and DSD1 said “I didn’t want a drink”

So your opinion is the only opinion?

It's a different dynamic between a SM, who you don't live with and Mother.

We know give Teens more freedom, they don't always respond to that in a positive way. But it's a pick your battles moment with 13 year old girls. A forced thank you, is like a forced apology, not worth getting.

You say you nag your DH because you put effort into the relationship with your Step children and want something back which they don't want to give.

It's a petty thing to break down a relationship over. Which going out for the weekend would do.

Perhaps hand over more responsibility to your DH to cook etc.

Any child visiting my house would be pulled up on basic manners, firmly but gently. I would expect no less if my dc forgot their manners in someone else's home.

Not thanking you when you've hosted them (in the case of the friend)/their friend (in the case of DSD) for the weekend is deplorable.

The only thing I want is a thank you.