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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What has happened to manners AIBU?

54 replies

LadyRussell · 17/06/2018 18:08

I have had to NC as I logged out, couldn’t log back in and have somehow created a new account Confused I am not new I have been knocking about here for years.

Had DSDs this weekend and DSD1 brought a friend with her who has been before.

I do nag DH a bit about the fact that they never say thank you. I do most of the cooking and like to think I do put effort into my relationship with his kids but I expect anyone I cook for to say thanks (as I do when cooked for).

DSD1 (they are 13) friend day didn’t say thanks for anything the entire weekend, and when it was time to leave didn’t even say goodbye to me, just went and got into DH car Shock.

Last time she came for the full weekend neither of her parents thanked us either and we washed and ironed her school uniform.

Do you pull someone else’s kid up on saying thanks and if so how do you do it nicely?

OP posts:
Pengggwn · 17/06/2018 19:48

She did not use deodorant the entire weekend and smelt bad, didn’t bring a toothbrush and used half a 500g Ketchup at a BBQ this afternoon.

Who talks about a kid like this?!

Original poster
LadyRussell · 17/06/2018 19:49

Someone on an anonymous Internet forum?

OP posts:
MiddleagedManic · 17/06/2018 19:58

No, unless was a special effort or especially good, I wouldn't thank either parent for a meal as a child. After all, yes, I was expecting to be fed. You may be their step mum, but am guessing your DH is their Dad so if they don't thank their Mum every meal, then unlikely to thank their Dad/you. You have different standards to their Mum, fine, but you can't expect the kids to have to adapt to this situation that they didn't create. They should behave at yours like they do in their other home so it's nice if they take you for granted a bit, no? Like most other Mums get treated I imagine.

Yes, thanks profusely to friends' parents for meals, lifts, hosting, etc. That should be a given, but also, not your child so hard to insist they have manners in your company, but you are certainly allowed to comment on them to DH, DSD and Mumsnet.

HighwayDragon1 · 17/06/2018 20:00

I force pleases and thank yous. Someone will ask a question and without a please will get a "pardon" with raised eyebrows, I never have to repeat it more than twice, if I hand something over I'll say "excuse me" with the same look. With adults and children alike. It works well with the teens at school, and ill mannered adults.

Pengggwn · 17/06/2018 20:08

LadyRussell

Being anonymous is not an excuse for being plain nasty.

LadyMarmyLard · 17/06/2018 20:10

I thought that comment was nasty too pengy

frustratedashell · 17/06/2018 20:14

I agree that it's rude OP. My kids were taught to say please and thank you, they're not perfect by any means. But they are polite, they're both now in their late 20s.
I have heard some awful examples of no manners. The worst one was a friend whose son came back from Oz and brought his girlfriend with him for a visit. They're mid 20s. They stayed at the family home. My friend took them sightseeing as girlfriend had never left Oz. She paid for everything. She fed them etc at home for the 2 weeks they were there. She didn't get a thank you, a card or a bunch of flowers or taken out for a meal as a thank you. Nothing! When she went up to their room after they had gone the room was a mess. Overflowing bin, rubbish on the floor, hair blocking the plughole in the shower. Not stripped the bed. Totally clueless! Surprised at the son, he wasn't brought up like that. She won't be having her back again

frustratedashell · 17/06/2018 20:16

I don't think the comment was nasty, just the truth

Original poster
LadyRussell · 17/06/2018 20:16

Omg - a 13 yr old not using deodorant and stinking a house/cars out with her BO is nasty and antisocial.

I always said thank you to my mum for a meal and it’s our house our rules as far as the step kids are concerned and as far as my kids are in respect to their other parents houses.

OP posts:
busybarbara · 17/06/2018 20:17

Saying someone "smelt bad" is hardly "nasty" if it's true. It's not like she said the kid is a stinky working class reprobate or something.

Racecardriver · 17/06/2018 20:19

Clearly the friend has had a bit of a rough upbringing. Not sure what the excuse is for your SD though.

Pengggwn · 17/06/2018 20:20

'OMG' you sound very spiteful.

Original poster
LadyRussell · 17/06/2018 20:22

No she hasn’t had a “rough” upbringing.

Both parents “well heeled” and she is off to Greece as soon as school finishes.

OP posts:
Moanranger · 17/06/2018 20:29

The best way to couch this -and I very much would in your position- is to say “People do not think well of you if you do not say a simple please & thank you at appropriate times ...” So turn the behaviour onto them and how they are perceived, rather than making it about you.
I definitely think this is something your partner should be doing, but if he won’t, then you could.

Myotherusernameisbest · 17/06/2018 20:32

I wouldn't pull one of my dcs friends up on this but I do silently judge. And I make sure my dc know how much I like the ones with good manners in the hope they too are using their manners properly when at friends houses. I have told mine always to thank someone who cooks them a meal. It's just common courtesy.

IamaBluebird · 17/06/2018 20:32

Being well heeled and holidays in Greece doesn't mean good parenting.
A conversation with your daughter about personal hygiene and good manners doesn't cost money.

Original poster
LadyRussell · 17/06/2018 20:35

Being well heeled and holidays in Greece doesn't mean good parenting.
A conversation with your daughter about personal hygiene and good manners doesn't cost money

Totally and as a social worker I know this more than most.

She has not had a “rough” upbringing.

OP posts:
ScipioAfricanus · 17/06/2018 21:28

The poor hygiene and the manners suggest to me a child whose parents might be neglecting her to some extent - not a rough upbringing, but parents who are failing to spend time and help her. I had a friend whose parents didn’t help her with buying deodorant as a teenager and one of us had to talk to her in the end which was very embarrassing and awkward to all concerned. Much easier for a parent to nicely remind their child to put on some more impulse and have a shower! I myself had two great parents who didn’t really help me when I was a teenager (teach me about periods, shaving etc) - I think parents feel awkward but it’s their job and children need you more than ever at that age.

Of course, some are just stinky as they take time to adjust (thinking of Year 9 boys who normally by Year 11 are taking several showers a day!).

But I feel like maybe you could reframe how you see the friend - less as a rude madam, more as a hapless child who needs some more guidance to develop good manners to help her in the future. That could help you respond in a positive but proactive way, maybe.

As for one’s own children’s manners, I don’t know! I’m constantly reminding DS tonsay thabk you and I’m worried he never does it without me there. My husband and I thank each other for lots of jobs including cooking tea and thank DS when he does his chores and I’m hoping it will rub off eventually.

ReservoirDogs · 17/06/2018 21:36

Personally I would pull them up on it myself ef. Passing the plate of food but not releasing until they said thank you etc like you do with a toddler!

I would have also said (friend) iys yiur turn to shower now. dsd has some toiletries you can borrow if you haven't brought any.

hellokittymania · 17/06/2018 21:45

Please don't send an invoice to her parents for the catch-up. That's horrible. Could your DSD kind of guide her a bit on what she should and shouldn't do? I was very, very young for a long time due to my special needs and I didn't have a lot of family support. Even now, and I'm in my 30s, I still ask people to guide me a bit if I'm getting things wrong. They always do. You can gently guide her into what she should be doing. There's nothing wrong with a gentle reminder to say thank you when people cook for you. Or maybe you could ask your DST, did you use deodorant today? Or do you Need any? Etc. as I said, I was very young at that age and I still lamb now. I am now, sorry I'm using dictation. So just set a good example for her.

Original poster
LadyRussell · 17/06/2018 21:53

The first time she stayed she didn’t shower for three days.

When they arrived on Friday they all smelt badly of BO. I told them all that everyone was having a shower tonight end of and they did.

OP posts:
Labradoodliedoodoo · 17/06/2018 22:00

The simplest thing wold be o kindly say Thankyou when she needs to say it. Say it for her each time. So for example as she leaves the table say t‘hankyoi for themeal

hellokittymania · 17/06/2018 22:01

Lady, I remember a very similar things happening with me. That's why I say, just be a guide to her. I know people on here don't like to jump to the special-needs question, but you never know if she has special needs or not. And speaking from experience, things can be quite hard to pick up.

hellokittymania · 17/06/2018 22:03

Labre doodle, exactly.

Original poster
LadyRussell · 17/06/2018 22:04

She doesn’t have SN.

OP posts:
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