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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Wibu to ask how many of you are partnered with your 'best friend'?

94 replies

GeorgiesBoat · 17/06/2018 09:37

At the end of last year I split up with my husband. I still cry because I still love him, even though he wasn't particularly nice to me. I'm hoping eventually that I get over him as he has been able to get over me.

So the thing I've been wondering is was I too hasty ending things? He was one of those 'life & soul outside the house, silent misery inside' types. Any excuse to leave the house, no conversation from his end and only minimal when I tried to start one. Happy to arrange nights out/overnight stays with his friends but would just put off any ideas from me. Never told me he loved me. Could barely say it back when I told him. I'm not making excuses, but he's exactly like his father.

And this is where my question comes in I suppose, because his mother & father are both retired but don't seem to spend any time together. No seeing different parts of the country, no road trips or holidays just them, no meals out. They always have others around. And when he does go away with his friends EXMIL always seems relieved to watch him go. However I've always envisaged my retirement to be full of little adventures and, in my day dreams, with someone who wants to share them with me - my best friend, the person I've gone through life with.

EXH always thought I was asking too much. And now, as I still cry over the man who so easily moved on (pathetic, I know) I wonder if I was. Are most couples just rubbing along? Or am I right in thinking that with most people, their significant other is the person they'd choose to spend most of their time with?

Do you think most married couples are with the person they like being with most in the world, or am I the fantasist my EXH thinks I am?

OP posts:

maymai · 17/06/2018 12:11

My first marriage was like yours. My second one is a complete contrast. We are soulmates, love nothing better than just being together as a couple, although have a good social life with others two. You're grieving for what you wanted not what you had.

MonkeysMummy17 · 17/06/2018 12:23

I was friends with my husband before we got together, best friends in fact. We fell in love slowly and then all at once sounds like a cliche but it's true he's my favourite person in the world (apart from my children) and whilst we don't do everything together we do spend as much time together as we can and look forward to it. I still feel a fizz of excitement when I hear him arrive home, and he is a wonderful dad to our boys.
We don't always agree on everything, but we're both open to hearing what the other has to say. We laugh together a lot and I'm excited for the future. I never thought I'd have this, and a decade on I still feel so lucky to have him in my life, to build a home and a future with him, to know what a wonderful dad my babies have.
I kissed a fair few frogs before we got together, and whilst we do have ups and downs, he has always been there.

I'm sorry your ex was so awful, but whilst you may feel heartbroken now think about the things you can plan and do now you don't have him weighing you down. You were together a long time, and as it wasn't your choice to end it you haven't had the time to get used to the relationship being over like he has, but once you get past the grief of losing the relationship hopefully you'll see that he has done you a favour and you deserve much better. Learn to be happy on your own, do the things you've wanted to do that he refused to do with you and enjoy having the freedom from the grinch to be able to do things in life that you want to. Can you imagine in another 20 years time the devastation you'd feel that you no longer are able to do some of things you want to because he's held you back?

Grieve for the relationship, for the life you thought you'd have, but don't let it dictate your future. You deserve happiness, and now you have the chance 🌈

MonkeysMummy17 · 17/06/2018 12:29

Sorry, just reread the op, and that you ended things. You still need to grieve for the relationship to move past it, you had a future you wanted with him and 20 years is a long time to dedicate to someone. If he does meet someone else and do the things you wanted to do, well that's on him but you can't live your life with someone waiting for them to make you a priority and it's good that you made that decision yourself.

Also sorry for lack of paragraphs, the app removed them on posting

SandAndSea · 17/06/2018 14:37

I'm with my best friend. We're a good team. We both need space sometimes too and we both like to have fun. It works well.

Floottoot · 17/06/2018 14:52

I'm married to my best friend; we've been together 20 years this month.
We spend as much time as we can together, and talk about buying a motor home and travelling around the UK when the kids have left home. We met at work, in the music industry, so that has always been the biggest thing we have in common, and it's such a huge part of both our lives, I don't think either of us could be with someone who wasn't involved in it.

We've been through some pretty rough times along the way, but our shared history makes our relationship stronger.

Original poster

GeorgiesBoat · 17/06/2018 14:56

I didn't need him to be by my side constantly, but even when he was here he wasn't really present. He never wanted to do things together that I'd suggest, didn't start up conversation. And that's how I envisioned my life after the dc were gone. Empty, silent.

But when he says I always wanted too much, always read into situations things that weren't there, I start to doubt myself and think maybe others are just the same. Maybe nobody laughs and talks at home.

If he finds someone worth doing that with, then I fear it'll break me. Why wasn't I enough, and why do I still care when he doesn't. I need to get past this.

OP posts:

corythatwas · 17/06/2018 15:05

Take the time to grieve, certainly, but the friendly companionable relationship definitely exists. I have one, my parents did and my ILs did. This wasn't it for you, but it doesn't mean you can never have it.

Original poster

GeorgiesBoat · 17/06/2018 15:11

Thank you for all your supportive messages.

I'm glad to hear the relationship I wanted exists outside of my head. I so wanted it with him, almost 20 years of wanting it with him. I wish I could get over him, but it's not happening.

I don't want to feel like this forever.

OP posts:

mumeeee · 17/06/2018 15:12

DH is my best friend. We spend time together but we also have our own interests. DH is away on a photography trip at the moment and I'm going away in August. But as I said we do have holidays and days out together too.

graysquirrel · 17/06/2018 15:18

I'm absolutely with my best friend.
I was in a terribly unhappy marriage in early 20s. My now husband was a work friend back then and on getting divorced we got very close but only as friends. We used to have so much fun together, could spend hours chatting and laughing. Then we fell in love and glad to say 10yrs on we still have that friendship at the core.
Don't get me wrong, we have separate friends and sometimes I just need an hours break from everyone not just him. But when not together I still miss him.

QueenOfMyWorld · 17/06/2018 15:24

I could spend 24 hrs a day with dh and id love it.Im like a school girl pining if he has to go away for work and we've been together 5.5 years with 1 ds.He is my best friend ( with benefits ;))

WaitingForSunday17 · 17/06/2018 15:28

We just rub along.
Most days we barely speak.
The iPad and iPhone has been the death of our relationship, and the kids.
It’s shit but not shit enough to turn our lives and the kid’s lives upside down. Dh is away a lot for work. He can go on a Monday and I don’t hear from him again until he’s back on the Friday. That is our normal sadly.

mindutopia · 17/06/2018 15:34

That all sounds pretty grim to me. Neither of those being marriages I’d want to stay in. I would definitely say my dh is my best friend. I’ve moved half way around the world to be with him, so though I have good lifelong friends, I see them about every 5 years. My dh and I have local friends, but he is the closest person in the world to me that I actually see and talk with regularly. We love being together and enjoy each other’s company. He does have weekends with friends and we have people to visit, but most weekends it’s just the four of us (us and 2 dc). Not to say we don’t enjoy seeing friends but we are the closest source of support to each other. We like being together, planned traveling we’d like to docwhen dc are older, etc. I don’t think you’re a fantasist. Being with someone who is miserable and doesn’t seem to enjoy being around you sounds awful.

ToastyFingers · 17/06/2018 16:07

DH is my best friend. I'd choose his company over anyone else. I've never 'clicked' with anyone quite like with him and he says the same. I'm genuinely excited when he gets home from work each day.

CombineBananaFister · 17/06/2018 16:18

Sorry you've had an awful time OP. Yanbu or unrealistic otherwise what's the point of the relationship if you don't want to spend any time together or enjoy each others company? What common thread binds you? Can't just survive on sex surely? Obviously it's good to have other friends and interests but there has to be a reason about the other person you're with that means you want to be with them iyswim.
Hope you find someone who treats you a bit better.

Beyondourmeans · 17/06/2018 16:23

We rub along. He is not my best friend, and not necessarily my first choice of person to do things with as we don't share the same interests and outlook. I might be his best friend because he doesn't really have many friends . It's not great and I realise that. If we are still together in retirement I think it will be important for us to spend time apart as well as together. But hopefully we'll also be able to reconnect a bit and do the things we used to do together pre kids like walking.
As I said, I realise it's not great but I've done a lot of thinking about it and at the moment it's not bad enough for me to instigate separating.

LockedOutOfMN · 17/06/2018 16:24

Yes, DH is my best friend.

Judging by your OP, OP, I think you have done the right thing.

Idontbelieveinthemoon · 17/06/2018 16:39

The thing is, because you are hurt and unhappy and grieving, you're not going to notice the minute ways you and your life have changed and will continue to change without him. One day it will simply hit you how drastically those things have moved forwards, and it will happen.

It's a cliche but it just takes time. Don't wallow and wear rose-tinted glasses when it comes to him. He was flawed and unkind. It's ok to grieve, but it's also good for you to remember him as he was, not as you hoped he'd be.

I don't know about best friends, but I'd marry DH again any day of the week and twice on a Sunday. He's just the best man I know. For me marriage is about seeing and enjoying and bringing out the best in each other. And he nails it every single day.

JustDanceAddict · 17/06/2018 16:55

People def rub along! I would say dh and I are somewhere in the middle of rubbing along and ‘best friends’ (although I have other bfs - female and male). We still get on, have a physical side and talk about what we’re gonna do when we retire but he gets on my tits sometimes. We are better when the kids aren’t around as he affects a patronising persona with them which I find irritating (they’re teens). I know people who are going through a divorce and life would have to get intolerable with dh to go through that. I would seek all the counselling in the world first (obv an affair and/or DV would be the exception).

DontMentionTheWar · 17/06/2018 17:05

My DH is my best friend - as well as many other things that transcend best friendship. I think it is that side of a relationship which is the lasting part, we've been together over twenty years. He's the person I most want to spend time with, we share the same values and make one another laugh. He's my greatest support and cheerleader and I love that about him. He is different from me though, had a different background and has some different interests but we complement each other and are a good team. Above all, we love one another and prefer each other's company to anyone else's. Your ex DH sounds awful and what you had doesn't sound like a marriage to me, you can do better - and you will.

DragonMummy1418 · 17/06/2018 17:12

Funnily enough I was thinking about this recently.

My DH is my best friend. He is the person I always want to call first to tell exciting / sad news to. We're only young but have our retirement years planned traveling and retiring abroad together 😍

If he wasn't here, I really don't know who I'd turn to for that same level of support and friendship.

Miladamermalada · 17/06/2018 17:15

I never had this either OP, and it makes me very sad.
I don't know what it must feel like to enjoy being with a husband. Mine was also dynamic outside, but critical and miserable at home. It was horrible coming home, I used to have my stomach sink when I saw his car. Hated it.

DragonMummy1418 · 17/06/2018 17:20

I don't think you have to be best friends with your partner though, as long as you have respect for each other and do enjoy spending time together when you do then you can still have a good relationship.

FlyingDandelionSeed · 17/06/2018 17:33

There's no way I could spend everyday of my life with someone who wasn't my best friend.

likeacrow · 17/06/2018 17:38

My DH is definitely not my best friend and we do each others heads in a lot of the time. It's not as miserable as your relationship sounds from your description though. We can have a laugh and be affectionate. I think you did the right thing splitting up.

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