Wibu to ask how many of you are partnered with your 'best friend'?

[GeorgiesBoat]

At the end of last year I split up with my husband. I still cry because I still love him, even though he wasn't particularly nice to me. I'm hoping eventually that I get over him as he has been able to get over me.

So the thing I've been wondering is was I too hasty ending things? He was one of those 'life & soul outside the house, silent misery inside' types. Any excuse to leave the house, no conversation from his end and only minimal when I tried to start one. Happy to arrange nights out/overnight stays with his friends but would just put off any ideas from me. Never told me he loved me. Could barely say it back when I told him. I'm not making excuses, but he's exactly like his father.

And this is where my question comes in I suppose, because his mother & father are both retired but don't seem to spend any time together. No seeing different parts of the country, no road trips or holidays just them, no meals out. They always have others around. And when he does go away with his friends EXMIL always seems relieved to watch him go. However I've always envisaged my retirement to be full of little adventures and, in my day dreams, with someone who wants to share them with me - my best friend, the person I've gone through life with.

EXH always thought I was asking too much. And now, as I still cry over the man who so easily moved on (pathetic, I know) I wonder if I was. Are most couples just rubbing along? Or am I right in thinking that with most people, their significant other is the person they'd choose to spend most of their time with?

Do you think most married couples are with the person they like being with most in the world, or am I the fantasist my EXH thinks I am?

My ex sounds exactly like yours. Very sociable and life and soul of the party when out, loads of friends and had a hectic social life. But never wanted to do anything with me alone, always complained he was bored if we had a weekend with no plans, nights out just the two of us were awkward and stilted. He was never happy unless we were doing exactly what he wanted to do.I stuck it for over 10 years for some reason!

DH is the opposite of all that..he is still more sociable than me but we spend most of our time together and have lots of days out, afternoon's at the pub together, holidays when we can afford it etc. We are each others favourite person and whilst its not always all roses and romance we are the best of friends and find each other hilarious. We always put each other first and step up if the other one is having a tough time for any reason.

I don't think that's fair, NTU - most of us who are particularly vocal about LTB have done that rubbing along thing and in the end decided to take the plunge and separate and from the other side, the perspective is extremely clear, which it doesn't feel so when you're in there.

I don't think very many people regret ending a relationship which is sapping their happiness.

I think my husband is a great, dependable person. But I can’t tell him everything and he tends to ruin most outings/social events because he’s grumpy or lazy or slow and awkward. In many ways I see him as an anchor. I don’t think I’d have chosen him knowing what I know now. But we have two kids and he’s not an arsehole, he’s a good man, and it would be awful to separate, so we just rub along. I doubt we’ll stay together forever, it’s just not the right time to split right now. I’ve not admitted that to anyone, and I expect most people see us as happy.

My husband isn’t my best friend. My best friend is my best friend. I’ve been married 12 years and in that time I have become accustomed to spending time on my own or constantly battling with my husband to go out. I dont mean expensive breaks or meals out (we have kids so that’s not possible or practical), but simple things like taking the dogs for a walk or the kids to the park. It’s all down to me. When I was pg with our 1st, he boasted about looking forward to spending time with our son playing football and that sort of stuff. Son is 12. It’s happened maybe 5 times. Husband is very preoccupied with himself. I’ve just been told I have osteoarthritis in my elbow. He’s shown no interest in it. I imagine that we will grow old together but I’ll probably end up being the doting granny whilst he sits and watches.

My XH was my best friend at the time, and now DH is my best friend. All my friends seem to be in very similar relationships to mine, too. I can't imagine pursuing a relationship with someone I didn't want to hang out with and go on little adventures with. You only get one life.

Its not fantasy. I’m married to my best friend. Took me 40 years to find him and two failed marriages to realise that you don’t have to ‘settle’, good relationships aren’t hard work and the ‘fantasy’ is possible. I’d rather spend time with him than anyone else and I love my friends

DH is my best friend. We were best friends before we started seeing each other. Everyone saw it coming except us.

That said, we'd never describe each other as 'DH/DW is my best friend' because we both find it cringey and have other close friends.

We do our own thing a lot. We are very much of the view that having separate identities outside the marriage is important. We also have the adventures together and spend quality time. We would both hate to be joined at the hip as we value our independence. For us, that's security because we are secure enough that we can do our own things and still know that our core is at home.

And that's more than enough cringey cheese from me. Neither of us are into that.

DH is not my best friend. He is my love. We have been married 35 years.

I love to spend time with him, as he does with me, but we each have our own friends (as well as joint ones) including our own "best" friends - though at our age a lot are dying off...

I think we all need someone we actually like to spend time with as a partner in life - not necessarily a "best friend".

I am married to my best friend (for 30 years) although I have other very close friends none I could live with as well as love.
My first husband became a close friend many years after we divorced. We should never have married,
My second husband was something else, not sure what...not friend really not abusive as such...he died young things may have changed. He was the father of my children, he adored me in his way but...

My husband is absolutely my best friend. There's nobody I'd rather spend my time with. Of course we wind eachother up occasionally, but we never have full blown arguments. We genuinely want to hear about the other person's day, no matter how mundane. I love going on little adventures with him, even if it's just shopping together without the children

Oh OP - sorry that you’re feeling so sad.

I always love the line in an old Madonna song ‘don’t go for second best’

Sounds like your DH was definitely that.

My DH is my best friend, my biggest supporter and my biggest fan - and I his. I love being with him, going out together, going away together.

He also irritates me sometimes and drives me bananas but I love him anyway!

Don’t let sadness / loneliness make you miss something that didn’t add any value to your life. Try and introduce new things to make yourself happy... the rest could follow. Find a partner who you have fun with and values you. Your EX wasn’t that person ❤️❤️❤️❤️

Op I think it sounds like you married the wrong person.
I met my dh at 21 and he was a bit of a lad back then. We broke up several times bc he was just a dick. But as we've grown and matured together he means more than ever to me. Simply couldn't imagine life without him.

I have a small group of long-term, close friends. I do things with them, and I always have. I just wanted to do things with EXH too. However he didn't, and has since made it clear he thinks I asked for too much from him. I hated to think of being older and him still actively avoiding me.

I think I'm mourning who he could have been had he cared enough about me to get off his phone and try. Who he actually was with me brought negativity to the room almost immediately.

I do now worry it was just me. Maybe I'm someone you wouldn't want to make plans with. What if he meets someone who sticks, who he wants to go places and experience new things with? What if it was just me he didn't like?

I'm still such a mess.

Well dh is the person I want to spend all my time with. We often say how we can’t stand other people. But - he is my third husband. My previous relationships were much like yours - cold and separate. Maybe you just haven’t met the right person yet?

Saying that however please don’t think you’ll have a miserable retirement if you’re on your own. My mum is 70, single,and has a fab time doing whatever she likes. She has made friends, volunteers, goes places, goes to bed when she likes and eats what she likes. She’s been single for 20 years now apart from an odd boyfriend here and there and says she likes living alone. So whatever happens it isn’t the end of the world, you just need to find yourself again. That’s the hardest part.

I love his company, I can tell him anything without fear of judgment and know he loves me exactly as I am. He has my back and wants the best for me. I love spending time with him and I still miss him when we spend nights away (work).

My ex husband wasn't my best friend, it felt more like he was my enemy most of the time, and we were both at fault there.

You were not asking for too much at all OP.

DP is my best friend and we've been friends for years. We went out together for a year or so in the 80's, I dumped him and he got together with my friend.

They split up after 19 years and I stayed friends with them both. Then about 4 years later, when I was living under the same roof as my ex even though our marriage had been over for 2 years, DP and I got back together, 20-odd years after we first met.

No matter what it is, he's the person I'd most like to be doing it with.

Sounds similar to my DM. She left DF because he was so boring at home. No affection. No jet up and go. He never instigated holidays or days/ nights out.

They still get on ok for birthdays etc but she has a new life now- new friends, social life, clubs. He just sits all day, festering.

It’s his own fault.

No he’s not.

I don’t believe you can find everything you need in one person.

I’ve known DP for nearly 30 years - tried living together which didn’t work so split up then got back together but live apart - now we are best friends and a bit more
I can’t imagine being with anyone else - I like the car in the garage analogy
For me the test is if he’s working near me and rings to suggest lunch or coffee I always drop what I’m doing (when possible) to spend time with him even for half an hour - as one of my colleagues commented my eyes still light up when he rings

Yes, definitely married to my ‘best friend’ -person I most like spending time with. We’ve been together properly for 20 years, married for 15, but we went out on and off at school and I knew at 15 he was the one I wanted to marry and I would settle for nothing less! I can’t inagine facing the future with anyone else.

Husband is my best friend, I can trust him, he has my back,he supports me and we have great times together. We go on adventures’ a lot or ‘days o fun’.

Very definitely my husband is my best friend; I have lovely friends beside him but he is my contentment and I love doing things with him/just being with him.
My ex husband was not.
I am blessed now and very grateful I did not put up with ex husband forever. After my mother died I realised life is too short for mediocre relationships. I wish you every good fortune.

It makes me cringe a bit when people announce they've got engaged to their "best friend". My husband is not my best friend, he fulfils many of the roles of a best friend (confidante, cheerleader, listener, person to have a laugh with) but his role in my life totally transcends that title.

My best friend is my best friend. I love her dearly, couldn't live with her and certainly don't want to have sex with her. Our life values differ in ways that would be incompatible in a marriage - I suppose my DH is more akin to the "male version of me" than a friend. It's hard to explain.

It sounds like your DH was hard work to live with and didn't support you like you deserve. Having interests outside the home is healthy and normal but it sounds like you were - or became - incompatible due to lack of shared values. I don't think marriages need quality 1:1 time as a big deal, quantifiable thing to work - but they do need space in your lives to laugh together, have fun and really "know" each other. DH and I are never without the kids but because it's important to us we talk intimately and properly a lot, even if it's just 15 minutes at bedtime. This might be the case with your in-laws.

My DP is absolutely my best friend. There's no one I would rather spend my time with, he makes me laugh every day and we genuinely have each others backs. We're a team, and I think that's incredibly important. I miss him when he isn't around and get excited when he texts to say he's coming home (he works veeeery long hours).
You're not a fantasist.

My DP is the one person in the world who accepts me as I am.
My STBXH never did.
My DP is my best friend and even 24hrs a day together I never get tired of him.