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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think im being used?

79 replies

mariahbalenciaga · 17/06/2018 01:06

For a start I know I’m stupid before anyone says it, I lack self confidence and I’m too embarrassed to talk to anyone about this.

I think my boyfriend is using me. We haven’t been together that long and in that time he’s never shown any desire to take me anywhere, just wants to “chill” with me and have sex, he has no job and sells weed (catch I know) but never has any money, he’s borrowed about £170 off me in 2 months, £70 was for “stuff to do with me” aka paying a phone bill so he could talk to me and the £100 was to pay off borrows off his mates.

He constantly accuses me of cheating and being up to something to the point where I’ve deleted all social media. He says he loves me but I don’t think so, never shows any emotion towards me or anything positive.

I dunno what to think and if I am being used, how does someone with no self esteem grow the lady balls to leave?

OP posts:
tallwivglasses · 17/06/2018 02:35

There'll be better fucks. Dump him.

sleepingdragons · 17/06/2018 02:38

You don't need to tell him face to face. When it's abusive - and this is - telling him by text or over the phone is enough.

Does he live with you? If not simply tell him - this isn't working out for me, please don't come round any more.

If he doesn't accept no for an answer, tell him - by text so you have proof - to leave you alone, and call the police the second he contacts you in any way.

SexyManatee · 17/06/2018 02:41

Congrats Mariah! Well done girl.

sleepingdragons · 17/06/2018 02:43

Oh sorry - I missed your last post.

Well done for ending it! Flowers

You feel sad because you're mourning what you would have liked the relationship to be, not what it actually was.

Let yourself feel sad for a bit then move on.

Feeling sad is not a sign is should have been - this relationship was very, very bad for you.

Well done for setting yourself free!

Monty27 · 17/06/2018 02:47

Fucking a low life scum bag is not going to do your self esteem much good op. Find a good guy to fuck. Flowers

Farfel · 17/06/2018 02:57

This was in the news today. It's a horror story and v easy to slip into, because, as she says,

"I believed that, to borrow an analogy from a friend, if I kept digging I would find water. And sometimes I did. Just enough to sustain me. And when you’re dying of thirst, that water is the best water you’ll ever drink. When you’re alienated from your friends, there’s no one to tell you that there’s a drinking fountain 20 feet away. And when your self-worth reaches such depths after years of being treated like you’re worthless, you might find you think you deserve that sort of treatment, and no one else will love you"

medium.com/@skydart/rose-colored-glasses-6be0594970ca

Original poster
mariahbalenciaga · 17/06/2018 03:09

Thank you all. I still feel sad

OP posts:
Clearoutre · 17/06/2018 03:10

Time to continue to being kind yourself and you could start tonight by watching some self-esteem Ted talks.

Here’s the first one that popped up from googling - Niko Everett advises:

  1. Spend time with people who make you feel good about yourself.
  1. Try to ‘meet yourself’ she might be someone you like, even admire.

m.youtube.com/watch?v=uOrzmFUJtrs

This guy was preventing you from having positive interactions with other people (including online) and now you’re free.

Good luck and don’t be afraid to seek help Flowers

MrsTerryPratchett · 17/06/2018 03:10

Being sad is OK. Being sad is part of being a human. It's really important that you don't avoid being sad. Sometimes you have to. Then you learn and move on.

Monty27 · 17/06/2018 03:25

Feeling sad is the first step to recovery. Then you will heal the wound. Take time and build your self esteem. Every day you build will make you stronger. You don't have to be on top form every day. Be forgiving to yourself if you need to put the odd brick back in properly. You will get there. You have posted on here and reached out. That was the foundation.
I really hope you get yourself back. You sound lovely. Smile Flowers

kiwigeekmum · 17/06/2018 03:40

Oh wow, well done you.

It's totally normal and reasonable to feel sad. Take time to grieve and mourn the relationship that you hoped for. But please be prepared that he is possibly calling your bluff and may come crawling back to you (or become abusive when you don't come crawling back to him).

YOU DESERVE SO MUCH BETTER.

Do not doubt that, please.

Fivelittleduckies · 17/06/2018 03:49

I’m sorry you feel sad right now please do know that you will be happier without him in the long run. Flowers

Original poster
mariahbalenciaga · 17/06/2018 03:50

Thank you all so much for being understanding. Xxxx

OP posts:
echt · 17/06/2018 03:59

Feeling sad is OK, and understandable, but onwards and upwards.

All the best, mariah [flowers}

clairedelalune · 17/06/2018 04:45

Well done in getting rid. You are worth so much more. It's fine to be sad. We all have / have had this person in our lives at some point (as friend, partner or relative)so now identified and dealt with feel angry for five mins, change their number to 'twat face' so you don't make mistake of answering and mentally press delete.
I am one of those single people, and very happy with it; I spent a lot of time trying to rectify being single until on day I literally woke up and realised that you have lots of different types of relationships in your life, not just physical, and they stop you being lonely. It is a lot lonelier being in a physical relationship with one person than good friendships/ family relationships with several people. So focus on building all the relationships in your life, not just the physical ones. You then realise that you don't need to find anyone, you only need to ask yourself are they worthy of you. If they are, great! If not, delete. You may meet someone worthy of you, you don't need to find them. There isn't a rule book saying you have to be with someone.
You actually sound a very strong person; it takes a lot to admit things aren't right and to do something about it; you have done both those things within the space of a few hours. Well done 😊

TheOriginalEmu · 17/06/2018 04:58

I've been as lonely as when I was in a relationship with someone who clearly didn't love me. Leaving him was the best, most empowering, self-esteem boosting thing i ever did.

Petalflowers · 17/06/2018 05:07

Plan something nice to do after you end it, even ifs it’s coffee and cake in a tea shop.

Definantly dump the looser. You’ll be better without him.

Petalflowers · 17/06/2018 05:08

Sorry, just read the update. Well done you.

It’s naturally to feel sad, ‘grieving’ for what you hoped it could be.

Take some time to look after yourself.

KC225 · 17/06/2018 05:39

Hi OP. I read all the first messages and I felt so sad for you. Then I read that you told him you felt and it was over. Well done OP.

You may feel sad now and that is OK. You have been let down. Everyone goes into a new relationship 'hopeful' and you have had your hopes dashed. One of the things that stood out for me in your original post was that you hadn't been together for that long. If he treated you like that in a newish relationship how would it ever change or improve - keep that thought when he crawling back and says he'll change. He won't. Do not let him back.

You may feel sad but look at what you will GAIN by not being with him. No name calling, no swearing and shouting, more money, Twitter, Instagram and Facebook. Bloody hell - looking at daft cat videos are worth kicking a loser into touch any day.

Spend the day making some plans. Block his numbers. Go back on social media. Arrange some things to look forward to and keep you busy. Meet up for a coffee/ drink/chat with a friend. Go to visit family. Take a neighbours dog for a walk. Go see a film. Get out and about - not to meet anyone, take a break from that but remind yourself you are worthy of respect, kindness and love.

Good luck OP. Stay strong.

CaveDivingbelle · 17/06/2018 07:22

I've been there OP. Being used by a cocklodger. He was lazy, couldn't or wouldn't hold a job, never had any money.He thought the world owed him a living. But like you I was so scared of having nobody. It went on ages. I plucked up the courage to call time on giving him cash and asked to have a heart to heart and guess what? He jumped right in there telling me all the things he disliked sbout our relationship...and dumped me there and then. He's now cocklodging with another vulnerable lonely woman. You've done the right thing. It's gonna hurt cos you loved him and that's ok. The heart overrides the head sometimes but you will get over it , I have.Flowers

MyOtherUsernameisaPun · 17/06/2018 07:22

Leaving is a process that you only have to do one day at a time OP.

So on day one all you have to do is tell him it's over and walk away. Don't worry about what's going to happen tomorrow, or a week from now. You only have to live each day as it comes. There will be plenty of time in the future to think about whether you will meet someone else or how to improve your self esteem. You don't have to have all of that worked out yet.

You can do this Flowers

justilou1 · 17/06/2018 09:03

Just read back everything you've written here. You don't even like each other.

Sparklesocks · 17/06/2018 13:01

Be strong Op, I believe you can do it 💗

Loonoon · 17/06/2018 13:16

Well done OP. By getting rid of him you are freeing yourself up to find someone nicer. You deserve that. Flowers

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 17/06/2018 13:18

Block his number,defriend,cut him out
And take a deep breath, that he’s offsky