To think i have messed up/wasted my whole life.

[januaryblues123]

Here goes.... I'm 29 and have nothing to show for it, if I weren't here tomorrow no one would even notice.
Last year I thought I had it all, a 3 bedroom house, a lovely partner (been together 10 years) and I was pregnant. On Christmas eve I found out he was having an affair and it had been going on for 2 years, his whole family was down and so were mine, we agreed not to say anything until they left on new years day but about an hour after they left he packed his bags and told me he was leaving me and I haven't heard from him since. 2 weeks later I had a miscarriage my doctor told me it could have been the stress as they couldn't find anything wrong. Since then my life has been a complete waste of time, I couldn't afford the rent and am now living in a crappy little one bedroom flat, I have no money, no friends as I spent all my time with my ex.
I feel like I've wasted so much time and now it's too late to start again. Before anyone suggests depression I don't think this is what this is, I just have no idea what to do next?

What a wanker he is/was, I’m so sorry about your baby. At 29 it really isn’t too late to start again, whatever it is you want in life you have time to get it, you are well rid of him and next time you meet someone you’ll have a better idea if what you want.
Write down what your wants are, you will get there, it’s early days yet.

29 is so young, honestly you can do whatever you want to do. Decide what your goals are and develop a plan to achieve them.

I'm so sorry - your ex sounds awful and I'm very sorry to hear about your miscarriage.

Do you have friends you could reconnect with? Even if you had dropped them a bit for your partner in the past they would probably still be there for you since you've had a really hard time.

Darling you’re so young, so, so young. You have everything ahead of you.
I’m 50 next year and planning on going back to university in 5 years for a new direction. It’s genuinely never too late.

I’m so sorry to hear this OP. You are still grieving for your relationship, your baby and the future you thought you would have. It takes time, but you WILL heal. You are still very young, but you now have a huge amount of life experience. From tragedy can come great wisdom and strength. Be kind to yourself and give yourself time. Also try and reconnnect with old friends.

Massive hugs to you OP. You've been through a huge pile of shit :( however. You're now on the other side.

29 you're still young! I left my exH at 33 and was convinced I'd left it too late. Long story short, 7 years later I'm married to my prince charming and our little terror DD is just running around causing her usual chaos.

You will move on, upwards just believe in yourself and that you deserve better. Hugs

You are still young. Draw a line under the past and start from scratch.

Study something you like to get a better job for instance, live and work abroad such as Australia for instance, join your local WI or anything that interests you hobbies wise.

You are still at the beginning of your life journey, it'll be fine, you'll be fine.

Oh lovely, what a shitty time you’ve had. You must feel like the rig has been pulled from under your feet

I will echo what others have said, you will come through this. I was in a similar position but my OH took everything, and I mean everything out of my house when I was at work and cleared out my account. I barely had enough to buy a saucepan to make beans for my dinner that evening. The next 3 months after that I was a mess but my anger got me through. I came through eventually and came through well. The ex came grovelling back a year later and there was no better revenge than seeing him squirm and finding inner peace (cheesy I know).

This is a very temporary blip in your life plan. Don’t give the scumbag any room in your head or heart any longer. You will come through it but I understand that you can’t see that yet. Be kind to yourself xx

Oh bless you. What an awful year you have had. How on earth did you get through Christmas knowing that he was having an affair and not saying anything? And then to lose your baby too. Life can seem very very cruel.

Do you enjoy your job? Or would you think of starting again somewhere fresh/relocating for a new start? IME it's much easier to make new friends, take up new hobbies, meet someone new, when you are starting over somewhere new.

29/30 is the perfect time to start over You have the maturity to know what you are looking for, and to avoid some of the traps we all go through when young; you have skills and experience in your job, which can benefit a new employer; you know that you can sustain a long relationship and (unlike him) you are not a cheating sh*t.

He is the failure, not you. He cheated on, and left a pregnant girlfriend. He will have to live with himself. You can hold your head up high.

After losses such as you have had, I sincerely believe that it is good to take a year to grieve what you have lost, to get through the firsts - first birthday, first Christmas etc. People who rush into a new life still have to mourn what they have lost. It is still only 6 months since he left and you lost your baby -still early days. But there is a new year coming and you are starting to feel the frustration of needing to move on.

Be gentle with yourself. You are still coming back from a helluva emotional battering. But it sounds as if it is time for you to start to think of fresh starts - a new hobby, new friends, new houseshare, new job.

I started all over again at 34, and so had to move promptly. I started a new job, moved house, joined new clubs, met someone, was engaged after 2 years, married and had two dcs by 41.

Sorry - ended abruptly there! Posted too soon.

You may not want the same things as me - that's fine. You may not even know what you want. But it is worth taking things one step at a time and getting out to see what else is out there. You only live once, and once day you will look back and see the turning points which lead you off to somewhere new. I sense that there is one of those turning points coming for you.

How about a house share? It would help you make friends and be cheaper. Look at this as a completely fresh start. Volunteering can be a great way to make friends and build confidence.
Take up a hobby, relish the freedom, book a weekend away somewhere, and be glad you didn't marry the fuckwit.

It's not too late- similar to PP I got divorced at 29 retrained for a new career , met secondhusband and married again and had 2 kids at 40 and 41 years old. All because a kindly doctor gave me a pep talk at 30 and said I deserved a happy life and a second chance and it changed my whole outlook ! So don't give up on yourself- life really does begin at 30😊

You dismiss depression but it could be, why are you dismissing this?

Certainly grief - at the loss of the life you had planned and the baby lost.

29 is nothing honestly. You can't see it now but consider you'll likely live into your 90's and it makes it a little clearer.

I'm guessing it's your 30th birthday looming that also is having an effect.

At 30 I went back to uni - and divorced my cheating ex! I had a 2 year old in tow, was effectively evicted from my home and had NOTHING.

Since then I have earned my degree, raised a smart, funny & hardworking daughter, got a job I absolutely loved. Sadly ill health got in the way of the last and I'm currently not working.

I've friends who've been through similar and gone on to bigger & better too. One is now in Australia having a fabulous time in a great job.

One of my fellow uni students was in her 50's, recently divorced, made redundant from a large company that went under and was at uni to take her career and life in another direction. She is now thriving in the new career - where she met her fantastic new husband.

Focus on the pros of where you are now (regardless how you got there), you've no ties, sounds like you have your physical health.

Try things like meetup, further study, hobby groups to meet and make new friends. Learning a new skill can also give you something to focus on rather than dwelling on "God what if they all hate me!"

Get in contact with old friends, ask how they are, take an interest in their lives.

Where are you work wise? Doing something you love or treading water? Consider working toward a promotion or a complete change.

Do things you enjoy, but try to make it things that get you away from the same 4 walls.

YOU CAN DO THIS!

What a crap time you've had. Of course your going to feel down.Someone here suggested a house share-What a fab idea!
Loads of people havn't even started to think about getting their life on track by age 29 so don't be down!! I've lived 2 lives. My second started when I was 29. Now 35 and things are looking much better. Amazing how quickly things can change. Chin up. X

You've not got nothing to show for it. Those experiences have shaped you and I bet you're now more empathetic to others going through similar. Hopefully you will not focus on a future partner to the exclusion of friends and hobbies, too.

If you're not sure what to do next, try some things out that you think you might like. Make the next year about you. It's not selfish to look after yourself. When you're happier with yourself, you're better able to be happy with other people.

Sorry you've had such a crap time. It's not unreasonable to feel so down on yourself but, as others have said, it's him who's messed up and 29 is definitely not too late to start again.

Don't let this ratbag define the rest of your life, he really isn't worth it. By all means grieve for what you thought you were going to have but get out there and find the life you deserve and a man who is worthy of your love.

At 29 you can start again.

Make a long term goal (not about relationships etc) and decide how you are going to get there. Make other smaller goals each year. (Like saving to go and trek the great wall of China or just to lie on a Caribbean beach). Get as many jobs as you can and it will come together.

I said not to worry about relationships as the friends I have who have been through similar and tunnelled their energy into work and goals seem to always find someone when they weren't looking.

Actually you have the reflective ability to see ex treated you appallingly
You see you're not where you want to be,and you want to change it
Small steps. Find a new social group,maybe through work?BooK group, evening course, or network with existing mates

Thanks everyone, I am just struggling with motivation to get up or do anything today.
Fresh - I'm glad everything turned out well for you, you sound so happy. I do like my job but its in childcare so after losing the baby I found going back really difficult and its one of the worst paid jobs and rent is so high where I live.
I'm really shy and have begun to struggle with anxiety this year so even if I moved to a new area I think I would find it hard to go out and meet new people, I definitely think I have burnt all the bridges with my old friends, my ex didn't really like me spending time with anyone but him and for some reason I went along with that.

29 is so ridiculously young. If you would like to have a baby you’ve 14 good years plus to do that. 14 years ago you were only 15! A lot can happen in 14 years. So your ex did a job on you. He left you while you were pregnant with his baby and never saw you after the miscarriage??!!!! What a lucky lucky woman you are. Imagine if you were still stuck with him for the rest of your life.
You don’t just bounce back from that. You found somewhere new to live, ok it’s crap and you got yourself through all that.
Now it’s your turn to shine. Look for somewhere better to live, get out, reconnect with friends if possible, try and make new ones, if not. You’ve lots of time to go out and enjoy life and loads of time to make a few mistakes along the way too, if it happens.

Go back to your friends and explain. Tell them he isolated you from them. Ask for an hour of their time and see if you can reconnect. I’ve old friends I haven’t seen in years and if one of them needed me, I’d be there.

You’ve not necessarily burnt any bridges
But I’d recommend honesty,you were in a relationship and unintentionally neglected friends
You’re not the 1st friend to get immersed in a relationship,you’ll not be the last
Invite a few mates to your place,some snacks a box set. ReBuild the bridges

I'm wondering how you got through a week(?) with two sets of relatives and the knowledge that things were in crisis.

How and why? This is not meant to be critical. What was so important that it had to be maintained?

You have been through a horrible time. It will take time to recover.
You could take a residential job, even just for 6 months or a year. I used to look at the nanny jobs in The Lady just to daydream 😁
I know that feeling of being lost and scared of the future but things will get better.

OP I know someone who was in a very very similar position to you are now at the same age (now 34) she had to sell her home and move back with parents. She embarked on a new career which is when we met, we both did the online dating for a few years then she met someone at work and they are now very happy. Don’t give up on your future! You are still so young. Have a look in to becoming an assessor/tutor for apprentices wanting to work in childcare! The money will be much better and it will give you a much better opportunity to meet new people!