To think i have messed up/wasted my whole life.

[januaryblues123]

Here goes.... I'm 29 and have nothing to show for it, if I weren't here tomorrow no one would even notice.
Last year I thought I had it all, a 3 bedroom house, a lovely partner (been together 10 years) and I was pregnant. On Christmas eve I found out he was having an affair and it had been going on for 2 years, his whole family was down and so were mine, we agreed not to say anything until they left on new years day but about an hour after they left he packed his bags and told me he was leaving me and I haven't heard from him since. 2 weeks later I had a miscarriage my doctor told me it could have been the stress as they couldn't find anything wrong. Since then my life has been a complete waste of time, I couldn't afford the rent and am now living in a crappy little one bedroom flat, I have no money, no friends as I spent all my time with my ex.
I feel like I've wasted so much time and now it's too late to start again. Before anyone suggests depression I don't think this is what this is, I just have no idea what to do next?

In that case OP, I think he's done you a huge favour by getting out of your life.

Please don't dismiss your old friends, I had a similar situation with my group of friends years ago, I stupidly stopped seeing them and was all for my dp at the time - as expected things fizzled out with him and I was left alone - I was 28 at this point, still living at home with my parents (at least youre better off than me there), I was depressed, I had no clue I was but looking back of course why wouldn't I be.

I decided to send a letter to one of my old friends I the group, the one I thought was the most approachable, saying how much I missed them, admitting id messed up but would really like the chance to just have a coffee and a chance to chat about it and explain the situation I was in. I made it clear I just wanted the chance put the past behind us and if she could give me a bit of time to meet how much id really appreciate it.

that girl is now my absolute rock. and at the time I put her through shit.

Please think seriously about doing something similar, and as others have already said, start planning your life. im truly sorry for your miscarriage and the way your ex has treated you - thats appalling, let alone to have to keep it secret from your families. But you have the chance to move onto bigger and better things, you are far from old and past it sweetheart. god if your old what does that make me at 38!!

petrol - he wouldn't talk about it until everyone had left, there was no way I was going to chuck everyone out late on Christmas eve (his family live 4 hours away so a long drive back for them). also I know it sounds stupid but I was so embarrassed and didn't want my family to know before I had got things straight in my own head.

It’s completely understandable you needed time to process breakup without family audience
It was unexpected and you were pg

I agree with someone’s suggestion of a house share. You’re still young and it will be a great way to meet new people and make new friends.
I also think you’d be very surprised with some of your old friends. People are forgiving in these circs.
Making new friends is hard. But you’ve got to put the effort in even if you don’t feel like it.
Start going to a club? Or an evening class?

I think making friends is going to be the major thing that will help you. Because new friends mean a new perspective and new outlook and not getting stuck in the past
X

im really sorry this happened to you.but remember this did happen to you it wasn't your fault or anything you did.you were dealt a really rough time.and its taken huge strength to get trhough it even to be writing what you have done today.so you've got that grit in you to do,and to be here now.
believe in yourself again.beleive you have got a future.because you are still so young.people begin again at much older and I promise have been happier than ever too.its not impossible.
with the growing anxiety do you think all the vents have perhaps been piling on and your developing it from there.even without knowig it it could just have overwhelmed your emotional health.could or would it be helpful to seek some help for it.even a few session of talking to someone just to let it all out there.youve battled hard with many things thrown at you.there wouldn't be anyone who wouldn't have felt low over this.
but the fact of the matter is its not over.your still here and that is amazing.it means there a chance.
so what about doing everything.try it all.do it all.whatever takes your fancy.is there anything youd love to do.big or small.just keep trying to stick your toe out there again.be brave,be brave to look or be silly,be brave to be rejected or be ambraced.you might not hit something straight away that fills your life with glee but its part of your story and your growth.
whats happned to you will build in you such emotional strength it will build such compassion too because you've been through so much.
you can get through this.
do you know for a fact you cant get it back with your mates.dont assume.take every chance at being back with them.dont give up just yet.make that first text.even to say "ive been a shit friend,any chance i can buy you coffee,ive missed you."
everything right now is getting you down and it would anybody.but there are always ways out.
think of where you were and what you got through.you got through him leaving and got through your miscarriage and im sure i nthe days after you thought you might never be able to function again.and that is amazing.truly amazing.dont give up.
you would be missed.you are the only you out there therefore the world needs you

similar here - 31 and last year i had husband, child and everything i could ask for...but it was all on a knife edge due to him so fastforward to today and i'm on my own, finding life financially tough as effectively a single parent with no savings, house, pension, proper job etc.

BUT, its not too late! in 10yrs you could easily have found another man and had a brood of kids, plenty of people are only starting families in late 30s thesedays, knuckle down and do iiit! I'm manhunting, feeding my nestegg and feeling hopeful as we speak!

I so know what it feels like to wake up and feel everything you have worked hard for is gone and nothing means anything anymore. I was 42 when my I found my dh of 22 years was cheating on me. I had three children of 17, 15 and 7 and I only worked part-time as & year old had SN's. My shit of an ex refused to continue to pay school fees for 15 and 7 year old even though I offered to continue to pay half so they had to move to state schools. The house had to be sold and business too and I had to move from really nice house to LA accommodation. I thought it couldn't get any worse when I woke up each morning I had to make myself get out of bed. But you know what it was the best thing that ever happened to me but I just did not know it at the time. I went back to working full time as teacher, made new friends as I felt betrayed as some of my friends had known dh was cheating on me but did not tell me. I somehow got older kids working with me to finish school and eldest dd off to uni. How I managed I still don't know today. Eventually the judge decided I should have 55% of house and business sale but my settlement took me almost a year to get. I decided to move to a new area and make a fresh start. That was the best thing I did. I got a promotion and started putting my job first as in past had always prioritized dh job. By scrimping on everything I saved up enough to get deposit to buy small house on my own. After another 2 years I met my now dh who is truly the love of my life. He is so good to me and all of my children. He helped me bring up youngest ds and took a lot of shit from my ex h too. Split your life into two parts and know the worst bit is now behind you and the best bit is still to come. Get out of flat, could you get a better job that warns more money? Don't be too proud to accept help from your dear family and friends. Make a plan about where you want to be in 1 year, 3 years and 5 years and plan how you can get there. Do not let this decrepit moron of an ex ruin the rest of your life. I am so sorry you lost your baby. In time you will find someone who will be good to you and make you truly happy. Push past behind you and slam door and look to your future.

Just take it one day at a time, baby steps. I promise you that, in the not too distant future, the sun will shine again and you will be happy, as you deserve to be. I am sure your friends will be understanding and delighted to welcome you back.

Good luck!

That’s a beautiful post caringcarer,really uplifting.youre a remarkable woman

januaryblues, it sounds awful and I didn't mean to sound critical. I just thought maybe you put the needs of others before your own?

OP I am so sad to read this, I do feel for you and can understand totally how you feel.
I would just like to encourage you a little by briefly stating my circumstances and hopefully making you feel a bit better...up until a year ago I had a beautiful detached home, huge garden and totally renovated, a young teenage dd and I had been married for 15 years.
I then suddenly came home early form work one day to find my husband had been having 'several' affairs for a number of years and yes, I caught him. I was so shocked and disgusted by what I found I literally threw up, chucked some belongings in a case, called in sick to work and ran away for two months.
I went through hell and had some VERY dark moments this time last year I promise you that!

However, I now have sold my home and am in the process of buying myself a lovely apartment. I have thrown myself into work and just got a promotion, I have been staying with my parents for a few months who have really looked after me, as have good friends, and I have just in the last few weeks met someone amazing.
My divorce absolute is due any day now and I look back and I can already see that my future is going to be so much better than it would've been with him.
I am not saying its been easy and I still have dark days when I think about what he did to me and humiliation, but I promise you, life is definitely worth living, you are a lot younger than me and can totally start again. You can meet new people easily these days with facebook meet up groups and social groups and Bumble is good.
You have a whole future ahead of you and this was a lucky escape if you ask me

29/30 is the perfect time to start over You have the maturity to know what you are looking for, and to avoid some of the traps we all go through when young
This, except I'd say that any time is a good time to start over if making changes will make you happier. The advantage of not being 20 is that, for most people, it takes a good few years of living as an adult (and not always being treated very fairly by colleagues, friends, partners etc) to give us the confidence and/or wisdom to know what we want and insist on it.

I would try to think of one thing which you could do now, that you think you would enjoy. Whether it's a house-share (great for some people but would drive me mad!), spending a few hours a week volunteering (great for me because the happiness I get from working with brilliant people and feeling fulfilled more than makes up for living on a lower income), applying for a new job, considering moving area etc etc, see if you can make one change. You probably can't change your whole life overnight, even if you feel fed up with everything, but making yourself happier is a valid goal in its own right.

You are probably going to be around for another 50 years, and it is unrealistic to think you can/should figure out your whole future now. What you can do is make the next few months better, and see where that takes you.

caringcarer lovely post.big hugs to you too.
op look at all these replys.realise how much kindness can come over the web from stangers.and all these types of posters are out there i nthe real world ready for you to meet.if kindness can come like this over the web then imagine how much love and fun and friendship you can have outside.just be really brave.it take guts to put yourself out there.
also from on here look at how many people have found themselves in tough situations and come through happy.look at how many are still struggling but are fighting alongside you.you can too.dont give up

I had a colleague returned home 12hours early, to find her ex at it with a lassie
It was so hard for my friend she’d only dated 1 guy since school.she was in pieces
And he as unbeknownst to her a serial shagger.
Fastforward she had a long hard time of it,finally emerging stronger,resilient and met new partner

januaryblues123 a PP mentioned teaching/assessing jobs in childcare, does that sound at all tempting? Applications and interviews might sound really daunting, but why not look at some job postings and see if anything takes your interest? I work in a sort-of-related field, enough that I know there are frequent adverts for tutors at FE + HE colleges for experienced child care professionals. This kind of thing: www.indeed.co.uk/viewjob?jk=ad90e9025ea318ee&tk=1cg4ur72316u3190&from=serp&vjs=3

OP. Truly awful things have happened to you, but you really are young and truly can make a great fresh start with your life. 💐

caringcarer what a fabulously uplifting post. You sound awesome! I’m so pleased things worked out so well for you.

Oh op you've had a shitty time but 29 is still so young! I know the feeling of thinking youve easred your life, ive felt the same. I'm 40 and starting again, or will be when I get round to it . You've plenty of time. I'd give a lot to have those 11 years back!

Take your time, grieve, go through all the emotions that you must still have inside. And come out of the other side raring to go.

What a horrible time you've had. At 29, I promise you, you have not messed your whole life up. I was in a similar situation and found myself in my own with two small children at 28. Had to move out of the house we had bought as ex was so abusive and refused to leave. He then proceeded to stop paying the mortgage and the house nearly got repossessed, so my credit record was shit. Od list all of my friends because of his behaviour. I'd given up Uni to be with this man, so really felt like I'd messed up my life.

14 years on, I've worked really hard, got a great career and earning over £50k. I've studied for professional qualifications. My kids are in their late teens and doing great at college. I've got loads of fab friends, loads of hobbies. Still living in rented, but that's not the end of the world.

So things will be tough for a bit, but you will get through it, and you will become so much stronger and more independent for it. Be kind to yourself, allow yourself some time to heal and discover who you are again. You'll get there

29 is so young, I bought my house at 31, met dh at 32, baby at 38. Youll be grand, if you don't wallow in this.
Just be glad you are rid of the cheating idiot

Januaryblues123

What a shitty time you've had. But there is so much time for things to change, dramatically.

I divorced at 28 due to infidelity. I'd also had a miscarriage in that marriage. Spent a long time wondering what the point was...

But then I met someone at 32, married at 34, first child at 35, second at 38 and pregnant again at 41. I live about 150 miles away from where I was at 28. New job, new friends and a busy family life.

I never could have predicted how different life would be.

My advice would be to enjoy yourself, experiment with hobbies and interests and try to focus on the opportunities ahead of you. Be open minded, say yes, try online dating, look out for chances to socialise and build your confidence.

Ah OP I so feel for you. I can relate to your situation. If you are living in Cambridgeshire area I can offer you a friendship where you can rant about this as much as you can( well this is what I need to do when things go south)

So sorry for your miscarriage. You’re so young OP. I met my DH at 35 and have just had our first baby at 10 years older than you. Thank your lucky stars your loser ex is out of your life now, before marriage and a baby. Your very best years are still to come. Men are at peak commitment years in their early 30s.

Sorry you have had such a tough time. I am sure one day you will look back and be proud of yourself for getting through this challenging period. If I were in your shoes I would look for a house share with one or two young professional women who take care of the house so that you are a) living somewhere nicer than your one bed and b) potentially have a ready made friendship source. Many of my best friends are old flat mates from my 20s and 30s and I have wonderful memories of the time I spent house sharing. If I were in your shoes, I think I would try to put all my energy into accelerating my career a bit so that you have a bit of extra income to enjoy yourself with. See if you can do some extra training or transfer your skills into a better paid field maybe. And then I would also travel a little bit (group organised tours are so much fun when travelling alone and having that kind of adventure is really liberating and empowering). And I would do a evening or weekend course in something that inspires you or makes you happy. I know it might seem hard to accept now, but your life is filled with opportunity and you need to grasp it, embrace it and celebrate your escape from a man who clearly wasn’t worthy of you. The fact he disappeared when you were pregnant and that he isolated you from your friends almost certainly means he wasn’t the lovely partner that you thought he was. I am trapped in an unhappy relationship and the thought of having the opportunity to find myself again, to forge a new life like you can feels like a pipe dream. Be strong and best of luck.

I'm 29 OP you definitely haven't wasted your life!!

All of my friends are single, living with parents, never had kids, they don't think they have wasted their life.

You've had a much more traumatic time than most people and you're here to tell the tale. Get out there and socialise. Remember what you like to do for YOU!

What a lot to go through! Of course you are feeling bad - who wouldn’t? You are allowed to grieve, for the baby and also for the life you thought you’d have. That is absolutely natural. And in fact it’s probably necessary as a stage to go through, so allow yourself your feelings.

I was a couple of years older than you when I left a ten year relationship just before we were due to be married. I too was living in a tiny crappy place and had no idea what life was going to pan out to be.

Eight years on, I have a new job, have lived abroad, married and am oregnantvwoth my second. Life can change for the better as well as the worse. You will look back on this time as one that was a very hard, but necessary step to go through.

Aim for processing your feelings in the short term. Then aim for finding happiness by yourself - friends kept trying to push me into OLD and I hated it so much, I wanted to be happy by myself. And I was, after a while. And then I met DH. But that being happy by yourself thing is a big deal.