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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ignoring my birthday

67 replies

DappledThings · 16/06/2018 12:07

I expect I am BU. And silly and childish but dammit I want my own way on this for once.

It is my birthday today. I hate my birthday, have done for almost as long as I can remember. At least since I was 11 or 12. I hate getting presents, hate fuss, hate being the centre of attention. But mostly I hate presents.

My parents and brother accepted this year's ago and just send cards. DH sort of accepts it and buys me one small thing. PIL and SIL don't get it at all. PIL are here today and arrived yesterday with a bag of three presents. DH put this with his two on the kitchen table. I have ignored them initially and now moved them out of sight into the study.

The thought of opening them makes me tense and miserable. I know if I just got it over and done with the pressure would be off but I get so angry that yet again my clear and expressed wish to not have any is ignored.

On a scale of 1-10 how much of a dick am I being?

OP posts:
Original poster
DappledThings · 16/06/2018 12:08

Aarrgh. Autocorrect apostrophe in "year's".

OP posts:
GrannyGrissle · 16/06/2018 12:09

I don't think you are being a dick but this is certainly odd.

Maelstrop · 16/06/2018 12:11

You’re being a bit of a dick, tbh, but your dh needs to tell his parents, actuYOU need to tell them. At the risk of being a real twat, I would give back the wrapped presents whilst reminding them why and that they’ve known this for years.

PinkGiraffe1 · 16/06/2018 12:12

Why do you hate presents? Is it getting stuff you don't want? Having to fake appreciation over something you don't like? Just trying to understand why? Do you buy gifts for others?

pumpkintree · 16/06/2018 12:13

I used to be like this. For me it was strangely that i couldn't accept people spending money on me. I am much better these days but this is due to kids coming along.

Topseyt · 16/06/2018 12:14

I guess they are trying to be nice. You seem offended that they have bought you presents. Most people would be offended if their families ignored their birthdays.

They might well be offended now that you are ignoring their gifts. It could come across as very rude, actually.

Open the gifts and try to be thankful.

Original poster
DappledThings · 16/06/2018 12:15

Pink and Pumpkin Yes, all these reasons. I don't mind buying presents. I try very hard but am convinced I am shit at it and rarely hit the mark.

Exacerbated this year by the fact we've just moved, there are boxes of all sorts of stuff everywhere and the last thing I want is any more stuff at all

OP posts:
Hadjab · 16/06/2018 12:17

On a scale of 1-10, probably a 12. Most people take great pleasure in buying/making/obtaining gifts for loved ones - even if you don’t like the fuss, at least appreciate the sentiment.

LagunaBubbles · 16/06/2018 12:18

Giving is a pleasure as well as receiving, not opening tbem seems really rude to me and as for giving them back that would be horrible.

Original poster
DappledThings · 16/06/2018 12:22

Yeah, I wouldn't give them back. That would be harsh.

It just pisses me off that people go on about how on your birthday you should be able to do what you want. Unless what you want is nothing and all of a sudden you aren't actually allowed that.

OP posts:
Topseyt · 16/06/2018 12:26

They have come to see you and have brought birthday gifts, which you are very rudely ignoring.

To most people it is rude not to buy a birthday gift for a close family member. So they cannot win here. Yes, you are very unreasonable. You are making the whole situation unnecessarily prickly and awkward.

Original poster
DappledThings · 16/06/2018 12:28

Topseyt Surely they can win by respecting my wishes?

They aren't here because it's my birthday just to clarify. It's a coincidence.

OP posts:
MissP103 · 16/06/2018 12:40

A 10 on the scale. Donate them then if it's so infuriating for you.

RippleEffects · 16/06/2018 12:40

Happy birthday.

I'm an introvert. I don't like being made a fuss of. Actively avoid it. I find birthdays really challenging, much prefer Christmas and Easter where it's more reciprocal. Even then, I'd rather just give.

But, it isn't understood by others so I play it down, keep it low key by asking for minimum presents and opening and saying thank you. I say no to parties or elaborate meals out fo used around just me. DH and the DC respect this. I ask the DC for one nice hand made card each instead of gifts.

Sometimes we have to accept our preference isn't the common behaviour though and modify our behaviour to meet others needs. Get your DH to make everyone a drink, open the presents smile and thank, put to one side (donate to charity etc if necessary) get it done and out the way. Leaving them unopened risks offending and it'll possibly build up to a massive thing causing you more stress than just moving on past it.

If you have people who are going to insist on gifting what about having a mini list of non offensive things like a rose for the garden, or develop a love for a certain brand of chocolates or gin. So getting that you will ultimately consume it and not clutter.

mzsink · 16/06/2018 12:41

You sound incredibly rude and immature.

mzsink · 16/06/2018 12:42

For what it's worth I think most people feel a bit awkward getting gifts and a whole day dedicated to them. But it's what happens. And surely everyone is at least grateful even if it is awkward. Honestly didn't know there were adults this rude?

stealthonashelf · 16/06/2018 12:44

I think that you're an adult and part of being an adult is doing things we sometimes don't want to do. So, currently you're looking very rude, as your in laws have brought you a pile of presents that you're ignoring. It's probably a good idea to smile, say thanks and get over it.

Topseyt · 16/06/2018 12:59

No, they can't win. You are being rude and childish.

I wonder how your DH really feels about your behaviour, and whether or not he just humours you to reduce arguments. If my parents bought gifts for my DH and he stubbornly tried to ignore them I would be very embarrassed by him.

Honestly, we get threads on here by people who have had no attention or presents on their birthdays, or who have been given totally thoughtless stuff like pork pies!

You on the other hand, have been bought presents which could be quite nice for all anyone knows, but you rudely won't even seem to look at them.

On a scale of 1 - 10 for dickishness, maybe 20.

Hadjab · 16/06/2018 13:04

I would honestly love a pork pie as a present!

Original poster
DappledThings · 16/06/2018 13:12

I'd like a pork pie too!

OK, so some pretty strong feelings on the matter. I don't really understand it. If people buy presents for the benefit of the recipient isn't it all rather selfish to then be offended if they don't react in the way you want them to?

I don't think anyone's really bothered. We're just having coffee and watching the cricket and everyone seems to be humouring me

OP posts:
HackedOffSeller · 16/06/2018 13:18

OMG this post could have been written by me (especially as it's also my birthday today). I hate getting presents too as I don't like a lot of stuff around my house and any things I have are from travelling places and have memories from those places. I'm horrendously difficult to buy for as often even I don't know what my taste is until I see something I like. So many years of disappointing presents I know people have wasted hard earned money on. Now my family give me cash or an Amazon voucher so I can buy what I choose.

It's a big birthday this year and I'm having a low key BBQ but even that may cause me stress. Luckily most of the people I've invited are also introverts so we can have quiet conversations. Stressed out though as hardly anyone knows each other (other than my family) and because they are introverts it may mean me having to run round like a bluearsed fly to get people talking. Right now regretting the decision.

OP - I totally get it and have had similar difficulties over the years. Put the presents in a box and open them later if they are stressing you out. Are you able to explain to PIL that you don't like getting presents and actually would prefer them to spend the money on themselves?

HackedOffSeller · 16/06/2018 13:21

BTW I don't even like people saying Happy Birthday to me. It's weird and my behaviour could be considered childish but who cares. I think it has to be something about being the centre of attention. I absolutely hate it too.

Original poster
DappledThings · 16/06/2018 13:25

HackedOff Weird it's your birthday today too. My next "big" one is next year and I will be resisting any attempts for marking it.

I think before then I need to be even more explicit with PIL to politely say please don't and if you really feel the need to mark it please donate to a charity.

SIL sent a book token which is great and basically the only present I like. I have explicitly said in the past when asked what I want that I like book tokens but then people get all weird about it not being a proper present.

OP posts:
Original poster
DappledThings · 16/06/2018 13:26

BTW I don't even like people saying Happy Birthday to me

Ditto! Gives me a knot in my stomach

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HildaZelda · 16/06/2018 13:31

Your not being a dick. I don't get adults who make a big thing out of birthdays, with perhaps the possible exception of significant ones.
A friend of mine turned 36 recently and kept going on about 'Ooh it's my birthday week' Hmm