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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Ignoring my birthday

67 replies

DappledThings · 16/06/2018 12:07

I expect I am BU. And silly and childish but dammit I want my own way on this for once.

It is my birthday today. I hate my birthday, have done for almost as long as I can remember. At least since I was 11 or 12. I hate getting presents, hate fuss, hate being the centre of attention. But mostly I hate presents.

My parents and brother accepted this year's ago and just send cards. DH sort of accepts it and buys me one small thing. PIL and SIL don't get it at all. PIL are here today and arrived yesterday with a bag of three presents. DH put this with his two on the kitchen table. I have ignored them initially and now moved them out of sight into the study.

The thought of opening them makes me tense and miserable. I know if I just got it over and done with the pressure would be off but I get so angry that yet again my clear and expressed wish to not have any is ignored.

On a scale of 1-10 how much of a dick am I being?

OP posts:

HildaZelda · 16/06/2018 13:31

*You're

HackedOffSeller · 16/06/2018 13:32

I have no idea why I'm like this. I love giving presents but receiving them stresses me out. I've even opted out of the work birthday card circulation. Only my immediate team knew and discretely have me a plant and a box of chocolates.

I think you need to explain again and say it's not uncommon for people to find it uncomfortable. And if they have to give you anything then book tokens are what you want. Say you are going minimal :)

PinkGiraffe1 · 16/06/2018 13:35

I understand how you feel but think in the grand scheme of things and keeping the peace, just open and say thank you very much. It's what I have to practice each Christmas. Every year family ask me what I'd like and I say nothing or just a bottle of wine or box of chocolates or a gift voucher for Boots. But then I get PJs, bath sets, makeup sets - all stuff I have loads of or it's not what I use/like. Most of it used to just sit in a bottom drawer. Now it's regifted or taken to charity shop. I don't kick up a fuss because I know they mean well.

MyOtherUsernameisaPun · 16/06/2018 13:37

I think you are being quite rude - it surely can't be impossible for you to smile and say thank you even if you aren't particularly happy about it?

alittlequinnie · 16/06/2018 13:41

I'm with you OP. I hate it too.

I've opted out of the birthday scheme at work and try to never mention even what star sign I am. I would rather it was just totally ignored.

I'm with you on the "do what you want on your birthday" being okay as long as pretending it's not your birthday is not what you want to do!

I have no solutions - I usually say something along the lines of "this is not a treat for me" if people try to make a fuss but yes, everybody calls me a miserable cow etc.

I HATE being centre of attention in anything at all - hate even more people watching for my reaction when opening presents - can't bear it :(

LoniceraJaponica · 16/06/2018 13:49

“I have ignored them initially and now moved them out of sight into the study.”

How rude and ungracious . Did you even remember to say thank you?

“and everyone seems to be humouring me”

I would hate to have the kind of personality that people have to “humour me” all the time. Have another . TBH you sound like hard work. Just open the gifts, smile and say thank you, regift them, and then ask your husband to tell his parents never to buy you any more presents.

“I love giving presents”

How would you feel if the recipient didn’t open them and just hid them away?

Original poster

DappledThings · 16/06/2018 14:02

I would hate to have the kind of personality that people have to “humour me” all the time. Pretty sure this is the only thing I have for anyone to humour me about so it's far from all the time. I find it less difficult at Xmas as everyone's opening stuff.

And what anyone choses to do with something I've given them us entirely up to them. I can't see why I'd care if they didn't open it in front of me but if they ever so much as hinted that prevents made them uncomfortable I'd certainly respect that and stop imposing

OP posts:

LoniceraJaponica · 16/06/2018 14:05

"if they ever so much as hinted that prevents made them uncomfortable I'd certainly respect that and stop imposing"

I agree with this, but sometimes I think you just have to be polite, and if it means faking it for a couple of minutes then so be it.

I have recived shit presents in the past, but I smiled and said thank you, then regifted.

Original poster

DappledThings · 16/06/2018 14:05

DH just suggested opening them so it's "out of the way" and then I can just forget about it. So why persist with something they know I hate? Why make me do something I have to "get out of the way" and not just avoid making me stressed and uncomfortable in the first place?

OP posts:

HackedOffSeller · 16/06/2018 14:07

I'd only give presents if someone wanted them and I buy them stuff they actually want. If they are like me I give them cash as I know how it feels. I certainly wouldn't want to spend money on something that was immediately going to be regifted or chucked because they don't like it. Most people just get Amazon gift vouchers off me as once you reach a certain age I think birthdays are a bit pointless. I like to do things for people the rest of the year rather than just focus on one day.

LoniceraJaponica · 16/06/2018 15:30

Why does it make you stressed and uncomfortable? If they must get you something can't you ask for vouchers instead?

RippleEffects · 16/06/2018 15:40

Sorry for wishing you a Happy Birthday and giving you a knot in your stomach.

You can say you don't want the attention yet are demonstrating you make things like this into a drama - which actually is the polar opposite of what you say you want and rather attention seeking.

Wouldn't it be easier to satisfy others needs for the whole of 1 minute and move on.

Your 'I don't think anyone's bothered' and your DH's suggestion to open them so its out the way, indicate that that maybe there is a bit of an atmosphere building.

bonnyshide · 16/06/2018 15:45

I'm sure you are hurting your PIL feelings, by rejecting my their presents and refusing to even look at them you are drawing an awful lot of attention that the fact that it's your birthday and you don't like presents.

Had you politely opened the gifts and thanked them, it would've all been over with and forgotten by now. Instead you are creating a bit of a scene and are wound up enough to even start a thread on MN.

Are you enjoying the attention that 'not wanting any attention' is bringing being you?

Imsosceptical · 16/06/2018 15:45

I’m totally with you OP, I get it, it’s such a personal thing but I hate my birthday but enjoy giving to others on theirs, I have a big birthday coming up and am even contemplating closing my FB for a few weeks, a) so I don’t het loads of happy birthday messages from people I haven’t seen in years and b) so other people don’t actually realise it’s my birthday!!

MatildaTheCat · 16/06/2018 15:48

You have to accept that giving gifts is a societal norm in most cultures. Your in laws would almost certainly feel awful to fail to give you a gift and are now feeling shit because you were ungracious.

Practice a smile and a thanks, how kind. In future perhaps ask DH to mention that you’d prefer an experience or a voucher if they wish to buy something. The fact that you buy gifts yourself is obviously adding to the issue.

Do you have Dc and how will you cope with the deluge of gifts then?

TheLionRoars1110 · 16/06/2018 15:57

YOU are making a huge thing out of this. It takes 1 minute to open their gifts.
They've gone to the trouble of buying something. Be an adult and look at what they got you.
You're being rude!!

Original poster

DappledThings · 16/06/2018 15:59

bonnyshide Not enjoying the attention at all. Not that there is any really. We've all come out, been to the dump with two cars' worth of garden waste, now having a coffee. It's all entirely normal and unmentioned bar a 5 minute conversation a couple of hours ago. No big thing at all now that I've removed the elephant from the room (by putting it in another room!)

OP posts:

LoniceraJaponica · 16/06/2018 16:16

But it shouldn't even be an elephant. I agree with Ripple, bonny, Matilda and TheLion. Stop making an issue out of it.

Why don't you become a Jehovah's Witness

grumpygiraffe · 16/06/2018 16:33

You aren't being a dick - the dicks are the people who are telling you that you should want exactly the same thing that they want.

Would it help if your husband opened the presents for you?

In about six months' time you and your husband need to make it abundantly clear to his parents that they are not to give you a birthday present. If they go and ignore your wishes, you're perfectly entitled to chuck it straight in the bin.

Original poster

DappledThings · 16/06/2018 16:37

Thanks grumpy.

Well we've had a nice afternoon out, absolutely no tension, grumpiness or anything amiss. If it gets mentioned again we get home I'll suck it up and open them. If not I'll open them after they've gone tomorrow, send a polite thank you card and next year send an unequivocal message to say that a charity donation would be great but nothing else

OP posts:

GruciusMalfoy · 16/06/2018 16:39

I feel the same about birthdays. But if someone buys me a gift, I quickly open it, and say thanks very much, then put it away somewhere safe.

In all honesty I'd rather I could click my fingers and people would forget my birthday date forever, but I know it's not going to happen, so I find it better to just get the gift part by with quickly rather than leave it for later.

Isleepinahedgefund · 16/06/2018 16:43

Ah birthdays. It was my birthday recently and my mother told me what time to come for birthday tea with the whole family. Then got annoyed because I politely declined, having explained to her for years that I don’t want that. Then I had to explain to my six yr old, who was annoyed that I didn’t want a party, that different people like different things for their birthday, she likes a huge fat fuss and I like to do as I please for the day on my own terms and usually on my own. So much of my life is dictated by other people’s needs so I’m very insistent about my birthday being for me and for me only. I’ve come to the conclusion that people will never learn to accept and respect my preferences, so they can go off and be annoyed somewhere else while I get on with doing what I want!

PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks · 16/06/2018 16:50

I look forward to my birthday, but only because I spend my birthday money from DF on lunch in the Sainsbury's café for me and the DC (may need to rethink this as DD's an introvert and doesn't enjoy our meals there) and a new outfit for autumn.

whattodowheretogo · 16/06/2018 16:55

I hate getting presents and being made a fuss of as well, but you're being really rude and childish to ignore them.

Original poster

DappledThings · 16/06/2018 16:56

GruciusMalfoy and Isleepinahedgefund good to know I'm not alone.

I probably should have just done it earlier as you said. I panicked.

I also would like to click my fingers and make everyone forget. I still fantasise about having been confident enough 10 years ago when I met DH to refuse to let his family know the date.

OP posts:

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