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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To want a day off from my baby

69 replies

BeanJen · 15/06/2018 14:15

I'm a full time SAHM and I feel very privileged to be in this position. I love being a mum it's the best thing ever. My DD is 10 months old and I've never been away from her for longer than 2 hours during the day and I've been out on an evening a grand total of three times (all family occasions no drunk nights or time with friends and nothing at all before she was 7 months old) That's not a complaint either that's just how it is.
My DH works away 4 days a week and has three days at home (1 of which he works during). He does work hard and his business is stressful. I understand that he needs some down time when he's at home. He goes to the gym every day he is here and most of the time I don't batt an eyelid when he goes off to do his own thing. We had a bit of an argument this morning and I really need to know if I'm in the wrong:
He's out most of the day today because he's decided to work from the gym cafe (no problem) we're busy doing family stuff on Sunday for Father's Day, and I really want a day off tomorrow (Saturday). He offered to take her for a walk and a drink in the morning but I really want more significant time. He wants to go shopping on his own in the afternoon (he doesn't need anything specific he just likes buying himself clothes) and seemed to think I was being unreasonable because I reacted like I was disappointed. I'm just genuinely a bit gutted. She isn't breast feeding any more, she eats three meals a day and is generally a very good baby. She's 10 months old and I haven't had a single day off. Is it wrong of me to expect a bit more help from my husband who works? He's also going to Miami on a stag do so won't be home at all next weekend. I'm really tired being a 24h mum is draining and I need a break. I do all the cooking and cleaning and washing, I prepare everything for my daughter and do all the night feeds. I really don't feel like I'm asking the earth.

OP posts:
Storm4star · 15/06/2018 14:18

So he gets to go to Miami and you can't have one day off??? No you are not asking for the earth. You are begging for a crumb and he's telling you no! I'm sorry but I would be furious in your situation. I don't need to add that no you are not being at all unreasonable!

SEsofty · 15/06/2018 14:18

Yanbu but seems like, understandably, you have fallen into the default that you do everything so he just isn’t used to having to do stuff with baby.

So repeat that you are out on Saturday and he can decide what he wants to do with baby

RomeoBunny · 15/06/2018 14:23

Doesnt matter if his job is stressful or not. You split the at home time. Being a sahm to a baby is more exhausting, isolating and depressing than any job.

Stop pandering to him. He has her equal time as you do when he's at home. End of discussion, really. He's a parent, not just a Dad. He needs to act like one.

Handsfull13 · 15/06/2018 14:24

Your not asking too much at all. I love my kids but yesterday my mum picked them up at 10 and dropped back at 4. It was an amazing day to myself where I wasn't worrying about what to feed them or when I should try for a nap.

If you have a relatively easy going baby I would suggest he takes her with him shopping. If you can do it during the week when he is away then he is capable of doing it while his home. Then you get a longer time on your own and he still does what he wants.

Maybe look at making plans for an evening when he is back from his stag do trip. Go for drinks and make it clear he is in charge that night and the following morning.

RomeoBunny · 15/06/2018 14:25

Also why does he have to work away?

sue51 · 15/06/2018 14:25

YANBU. You are definitely due a day off. There is no discussion due. Just get your bag, turn your phone off, grab your car keys and go. If he can't manage on his own for one day, he's a poor excuse for a Father.

SleepingStandingUp · 15/06/2018 14:26

He can take her shopping with him, problem solved.

But in all seriousness, no, yanvu. I'd look at wowing one day a month in where he has her and you get freedom.

I'm a SAHM and although DH works a standard office job, DS is comlex needs so different stresses.

Saturday I'm going out for dinner with a friend and then I have the theatre in the week. I'm volunteering away for a weekend in July and have at least one more theatre date. Just booked one for Feb for me and niece as I know he'll have her. I got a spa day for mothers day. He's entitled to similar freedom.

You both work hard, you both need downtime. Feel free to quote that at him

BeanJen · 15/06/2018 14:26

@RomeoBunny he owns a business in London and we live up north. He owns a flat down there so stays there three nights a week.

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 15/06/2018 14:29

Arrange a night out with your friends, and let him look after his baby, or a shopping trip with friends or whatever. You join a Gym or take up an activity, and he can look after his child. You need down time too.

honeyishrunkthekid · 15/06/2018 14:29

He owns his business. He owns a flat.
Are you two married? What do you have OP?

Poptart4 · 15/06/2018 14:30

Why is he acting like taking HIS child out for an hour or 2 is doing you a favour and then being disappointed when your not grateful?!

Sounds like he's carrying on with his life as normal (pre-baby). Alot of couples go through this. The mother just automatically takes over all the child/house care while dads life doesnt change much.

You need to have a frank conversation with him and tell him that she is his child too and he needs to start stepping up. He can do more around the house when he's home to. Your not his maid or nanny.

Op I had these problems with my partner after our first child was born and it caused alot of arguments at first. But I didn't back down. It's not that I expected him to do everything or even half as he was working full time but he definitely needed to do way more than he was. 4 kids later and I don't even have to ask him to tidy the house or take the kids out so I can have a break. He just does it.

YANBU

BeanJen · 15/06/2018 14:31

@honeyishrunkthekid ha yes we are married. The house we live in is in my name. The flat is an investment with his business partner and the business was up and running before I met him. They're his. It's not that weird :)

OP posts:
Eastie77 · 15/06/2018 14:32

As you say, you need a significant amount of time to yourself so let him take her out for a walk in the morning and then just go out and take that time. Do not return home for several hours.

If he wants to go shopping he can try and do that with baby in tow or shop online. You really shouldn't have to beg for his permission in this way, it's ridiculous.

The sooner you get out of this set-up, where you are basically the baby's sole carer by default and he offers the crumbs of a couple of hours respite here and there as a favour, the better.

Mybabystolemysanity · 15/06/2018 14:33

The baby and the house are 50% his. Once you have a baby, going to work is what you choose to do and the parenting, housework and relationship maintenance still need to happen regardless of who earns more/works away etc. You both need to revise your thinking.

Dvg · 15/06/2018 14:33

Work is no excuse.

My partner would work 80 hours a week and still offer to do childcare on time off or night feeds.

Sorry but your partner sounds like an Ahole.

Why don't you get a babysitter /childminder for 1 day a week? So that you can go and have a relax all paid for by him.

Boozt · 15/06/2018 14:34

Yeah, he can't have a baby and continue his life exactly as it was before whilst your life is reduced to 'mother' and that's it.

Do not ask him or negotiate this. Obviously there is an element of courtesy when a parent wants to go out and leave a child with the other parent, but it shouldn't be about getting permission or persuading him to 'do you a favour'. I let my DP know in advance when I'm planning to go out simply so that he doesn't plan something for the same time. I do not ask him to look after the kids so that I can go out, like he's some kind of babysitter instead of their bloody father.

Trinity66 · 15/06/2018 14:35

YADNBU, did you say everything to him that you did t us here? If you did and he still can't see your point then I don't know what to say really, he clearly see's his child as your responsibility and he's doing you some sort of favour by giving you an hours break here and there

Butterflyrosebud · 15/06/2018 14:36

I got angry reading this!! Of course you deserve a break. I would go absolutely crazy if my husband behaved liked this on my maternity leave. He is her father.

Please book a spa day/ weekend with friends and TELL (don’t ask!) him that he will be spending the day with his daughter.

Also gym everyday? Do you ever get a chance to do hobbies in the evening?

Baby is 10 months don’t let this continue or it will only get worse!

mindutopia · 15/06/2018 14:37

You are absolutely due a day off. Why can’t he take the baby shopping? That’s what everyone else does when they need to get stuff done. It sounds like you need to pencil in standing time for yourself and he needs to cut down on things like the gym to be home more. I used to work in London and we live in the SW. It’s 3 hours by train for us and I did that 3 days a week every day (6 hours of commuting in a day) so I could be home in the evenings so my dh and I could share the parenting load and I could see my dd before she went to bed. Working away is no excuse for not supporting each other as parents.

0lgaDaPolga · 15/06/2018 14:38

Yanbu at all. I am stay at home mum and my husband does a lot. He takes the baby as soon as he comes in from work so I can chill out, get dinner sorted etc, then puts him to bed. He does stuff around the house after the baby has gone to bed. At the weekend he usually takes him out on Saturday morning so I can have some chill time and then the rest of the weekend we spend together as a family. The way we both see it is we are both working full time, it’s just I am at home. Taking care of a baby is exhausting and draining no matter how fun they are and how much you love them it is hard to be around them 24:7 with no break. It’s not fair he is getting downtime and you aren’t. There’s no reason he can’t look after her for a whole day especially now she is not breastfed.

KneesupGaston · 15/06/2018 14:39

YANBU and I have a similar situation. I am exhausted, tired to the bone. I think I will send him to nursery one afternoon a week for a few hours break.

honeyishrunkthekid · 15/06/2018 14:40

Beanjen that's okay then :)

But yes, you deserve a day off. Have you explained to him and mentioned the stag? Maybe he just hasn't realised

MrsTerryPratchett · 15/06/2018 14:43

So he gets to go to Miami and you can't have one day off???

This ^ And I would say that to him with the implied tone in my voice. "So you get to go to Miami and I can't have one day off???"

What a selfish wanker.

letsallhaveanap · 15/06/2018 14:44

YANBU why cant he take her shopping with him?

I remember the first time I had a night out after my DS was born....
I was out till 6am! (dance event started at midnight and went on until that time) And I only had a couple of drinks but I was wide awake just running on the energy of being out alone in the city!
He was around 6 months and that was the first ever entire day and night id had to myself due to him being exclusively BF before that.

Im also a SAHM and it does sometimes happen that people dont think you ever need a day off.... despite it being bloody hard work being a sahm to a baby and toddler. Sometimes you do need a night off just to reset...

Id just arrange something where he cant change his mind or just leave the baby with you 'for a couple of hours' because he has to do something etc
So book yourself into a B&B or arrange a night out with friends. Give him lots of notice and let him know that you will be gone overnight and not able to come back and help. Then just go and enjoy yourself.

JellyBaby666 · 15/06/2018 14:46

So not being unreasonable. "Have a lovely day with Daddy, I'm off for a leisurely coffee and cake, the cinema and a nice long lunch. BYE!"

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